Reflecting on Two Roads

It is a time for reflection for me. Four years ago today, Alan and I were both stuck in deep ruts. I was separating from my ex-husband, going to counseling, grieving the death of my mother, and generally wishing I were dead as I had nothing to live for. Alan was also stuck in a dead-end relationship with a woman who is very likely a lesbian.

It was this day, Groundhog Day four years ago, when Alan found my email address on the interwebs and first reached out to me. His first email was entitled “Ghost of Knoxville Past” (Knoxville, TN is where we first met at 5 years old and became best friends until my family moved away at age 9), and if first impressions were everything, I would have assumed he was the biggest dork in history lol. Thankfully, his dorkdom is at a tolerable level as, hopefully, is my nerdiness (the subject of my response email was “Holy Crapoly!”)

From that letter we became best friends again, and soon I was traveling 2 roads at once, counseling and potential reconciliation with my ex and getting to know Alan again, becoming best friends, and falling in love.

I’ve found myself on 2 roads almost since I’ve known Alan again. Since that time, I was on 2 roads as far as possible career paths. We’ve been on 2 roads together, both trying-to-conceive and trying to become foster/adoptive parents. And we are now on 2 roads together again, still wanting to become foster/adoptive parents but also saving to adopt domestically.

I won’t lie to you; it’s a strange thing traveling two roads at once. I wish I were wording this better, as that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, but I’m just not that good at it most of the time. My emotions feel pulled in 2 directions all the time. Sometimes I feel fickle, like I’m not following through on a promise.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I will be 100% committed to any child who comes into our home. I already am committed to that child. I’m just not sure the best path to get there. I pray on it, and I’m sure the correct road will come clear soon. I like our plan to save money toward adoption so that all of our options are open, and I hope that when the time comes, we can move forward into parenthood swiftly and with purpose.

Thanks for reading all that; sorry it wasn’t better.