On the Subject of Birthmothers

I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of an expectant mom (or dad) who is facing the choice of placing her (or his) child for adoption. This is not an easy task!

We as people going through infertility, and just as humans in general, often deal with frustrating comments from people who most likely just aren’t thinking. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” “Why would you want to lose all your free time anyway?” Or people who don’t know of our infertility problems saying insensitive things like, “What are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger.” On the institution of adoption, “You don’t know where those children are coming from.” "My sister adopted and I always felt sorry for her that she never had any 'real' children." (Because obviously all children who enter families through adoption are fake.) Or people who, when they first hear the word adoption, assume that you will be going to China. Or on foster parenting, “I could never do that; I’d get too attached.” (As if those of us willing to do it are unfeeling monsters, rather than people willing to put the child’s needs ahead of our own even though it will tear us up inside each time a child we’ve cared for is moved from our home.)

But to even IMAGINE the sorts of comments an expectant parent considering adoption for her or his baby must get. First off, the pregnancy obviously is not something easily kept private. Abortion is something most people would never know you did, unless you told them, and has less of a physical toll as well (perhaps even emotional, depending on the individual, because adoption is by no means an emotionless process for anyone). The stigma on single parents has largely gone away, or perhaps just transferred to those who place their babies for adoption.

I can’t imagine the weight of those comments on top of the already huge weight on such a woman! She’s already dealing with the emotions of probably disappointing her family and others close to her, the loss of the future she dreamed of, the loss of innocence, in some cases the loss of a boyfriend, and in many cases adolescence and young adulthood, and if she’s religious, she may feel like she is being punished for her “sins” far more visibly than are others who do the same things.

One common thread must be “Why Me?” Couples struggling with infertility feel “Why Me?” moments frequently. Why do people who are terrible, abusive, neglectful, and uncaring parents get to have child after child and ruin their lives with the abuse, but people who would make wonderful parents have trouble conceiving? Why do millions of other young people have sex without getting pregnant, but when I do it ruins the rest of my life?

Some people liken a birthmother backing out of an adoption as similar to a miscarriage. I won’t pretend to understand the emotional toll either of those things would have on any woman as i haven't been through either, and my heart aches for those who have. And I’m sure that, should we have a failed adoption match, it will be utterly devastating, and the financial loss will only further embitter. But I will try to remember that she made this decision out of love for her baby, the same baby that I will have fallen in love with through the course of the match (and before), and to understand some of her emotions going into that. I will pray that it’s the best decision for that baby I love, and that God will have another plan, another baby, for us. (Remember I said I would try…)

So I’ve decided that, among the usual questions for agencies that we’re trying to form right now before the adoption conference we go to in a few weeks, I’m going to try to place myself in the shoes of an expectant mom. What sorts of things would I be looking for in an agency, if I were in her shoes. Counseling, support, non-coerciveness. What else? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to seek that agency out in the next several months, before Alan and I can make our final decisions.

Please, if you’re a religious person, say a little prayer for the men and women going through the most difficult time in their lives, and that throughout their decision making process and beyond, they find peace throughout their lives.