Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dear Kiddo,
When I first wrote you eleven (!) months ago, I had no idea that nearly a year would go by and I wouldn’t be noticeably any closer than I was back then. It’s a good thing, or I’m sure my first letters would have been filled with anger instead of so much hope and love. Because love you, I do! And hope for you, I do that, too!
Oh, sweet little one, when will you come home? How will you come home? Will you be a baby in our arms or a gangly pre-teen ready to swear at us? It doesn’t matter; we will still love you. Always and forever we will love you, and always and forever we will hope for you.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
SHYAM,
Mommy
Okay, folks, i'm having a bad day. This was the closest i could come to positive and upbeat. i'm in a lot of pain; it looks like the doctor's prediction of pain lasting about a week twice a month is proving to be true :(. i've had about 5 days of painlessness, and now i'm near ovulation and in pain again. i'm sitting at work with my heating pad in my lap trying to pretend like i'm just really cold to ward off the stares from coworkers, and reality is really sucking at the moment.
i think i didn't post about my freaky dream the other night, but you might get a laugh out of this. Honestly i have no idea how to interpret this. Please don't have me committed!
i dreamt that Alan and i decided to do IVF, and i went to the hospital for the embryo transfer, and we left the hospital with twin girls. Only one was about 3-4 months old, and the other was more like i'd only been pregnant 3 or 4 months. You know, very small (certainly bigger than actually 12-16 weeks gestation but probably only a pound or two still) and looked kind of like an alien dinosaur.
When we left the hospital, the twins were hungry so we had to stop at a restaurant on the way home to feed them. Yeah, i know. And the nurses had told us that since the tiny twin needed more nutrition, i was supposed to breastfeed her, and Alan was supposed to breastfeed the bigger girl who didn't need as much nutrition. i remember asking him to take off his jacket and put it over my HEAD while i breastfed. Yeah, i know.
So i kept trying to breastfeed "my" baby, and her head was impossible to support and lolled around. i kept having to check that she was still alive because she surely had broken her neck. Thankfully she was okay. When she did latch on, she could barely fit the very very end of my nipple in her mouth, and left a bloody circle around it. She would drink one drop and fall asleep and i'd keep having to wake her up, and struggle with supporting her head again.
Meanwhile Alan's twin finished her meal, sat up and said, "Yummy, Daddy! Thanks!"
Yeah, i'm sane.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Nothing new today
But i spent some time today admiring the kids at www.adoptuskids.org. There's one little boy i've been admiring for a few weeks who is still listed, and a new one popped up who looks just like a young Obama :). These kids are amazing and i hope we can bring one into our lives sooooon!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
If you can call this an update
County director (whom DH has been talking to) left a message last night with some updates.
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hmmm
i just reread my last post and it totally looks like i said i've been through death before. i promise i've never died, at least not that my surgeons shared with me ;). i have, however, grieved when OTHERS went through death. Just thought some folks might need clarification.
Alan and i went to the Inter-Agency Adoption Coalition Conference today (IAC or IAAC?). It was quite overwhelming actually. There were dozens of couples, and quite a few speeches. There was the opportunity to split up and go to different seminars, but most were kind of "International vs. Domestic" related (i.e. openness in adoption was held at the same time as international adoption 101), and since we know we don't want to go the international route, we didn't need to split up.
There was a speech on "special needs adoption", or supposedly, but really it was about adopting from foster care. The lady giving the speech recently quit from the Department of Children's Services specifically because she hated the beaurocrazy (not a typo), but she still gave the speech. Weird. This is really, really pathetic, but she had been the director of a nearby county's DCS office, and when she was ready to adopt, it took her EIGHTEEN MONTHS to get approved. And this was these people's freaking boss! We came away from that feeling particularly doomed.
At this point i just feel very overwhelmed and pretty helpless. i feel like i can't make any decisions without getting rocked to my core. i guess i need to feel more confidence before i can confidently move forward. And Alan's great, but sometimes i feel like we're never on the same page lately. That's not his fault, actually, i'm sure it's more mine. Mostly because i'm just so freaking confused!
Alan and i went to the Inter-Agency Adoption Coalition Conference today (IAC or IAAC?). It was quite overwhelming actually. There were dozens of couples, and quite a few speeches. There was the opportunity to split up and go to different seminars, but most were kind of "International vs. Domestic" related (i.e. openness in adoption was held at the same time as international adoption 101), and since we know we don't want to go the international route, we didn't need to split up.
There was a speech on "special needs adoption", or supposedly, but really it was about adopting from foster care. The lady giving the speech recently quit from the Department of Children's Services specifically because she hated the beaurocrazy (not a typo), but she still gave the speech. Weird. This is really, really pathetic, but she had been the director of a nearby county's DCS office, and when she was ready to adopt, it took her EIGHTEEN MONTHS to get approved. And this was these people's freaking boss! We came away from that feeling particularly doomed.
At this point i just feel very overwhelmed and pretty helpless. i feel like i can't make any decisions without getting rocked to my core. i guess i need to feel more confidence before i can confidently move forward. And Alan's great, but sometimes i feel like we're never on the same page lately. That's not his fault, actually, i'm sure it's more mine. Mostly because i'm just so freaking confused!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Latest
The regional director of DCS called Alan today and said she had talked to our caseworker who had nice things to say about us. She'd "located" our file (my bet is it was still on our caseworker's desk -- sigh), and our caseworker said it was just lacking the one signature. Because it has been so long, she is going to personally review our case file over the weekend, and if there is nothing else missing and no other questions, she'll sign it personally and get us in the system as official licensed foster parents on Monday! Yay!
Meanwhile we have our adoption conference tomorrow, which should be interesting. But honestly it's hard to even be excited considering all the latest developments. Alan and i talked about the ethical implications of IVF today and what our limits would be, etc, and the research on that front continues.
Somebody hand me some duct tape so i can wrap it around and around my head, to keep the brains in when my head explodes! Of course, this is a good thing, but it's about the heaviest stuff i've ever been through i think, including death and surgeries and major medical diagnoses, divorce, and when they canceled "Freaks and Geeks."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
My husband kicks ass
It's been 3 weeks since we heard anything from the state on our foster/adoption application. We've emailed and called a few times, with no response. Alan's last email specifically asked for the name of someone who would return our emails lol.
So he took it on himself to write a professional but rather scathing email to the DIRECTOR of the state's social services department and a number of other people. Within 7 minutes he had his first email response (telling him it had been assigned to someone), and within 45 minutes he had another email response and a phone call! Holy crapoly!
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Alan _____. In the spring of 2008, my wife Sarah and I madethe decision to become foster parents. We enrolled in the state's PATH(Parents as Tender Healers) classes, finishing up Labor Day weekend. Bythe middle of September, social workers had completed their home visitsand interviews with Sarah and I, friends and family sent in letters of reference, and we submitted fingerprints for criminal background checks.Our social worker commended us on our organization and timeliness andpromised to get started on our approval right away. At this point thegreatest concern Sarah and I had was whether our first foster childwould like dogs.
In the following months our hopes began to cloud. Our case worker,never easy to get in touch with, informed us our class homework had beenshredded, and if we could do it again. Fortunately, we'd made copies which we provided. Weeks continued going by without a word. Sarah and I began a practice of contacting our worker and supervisor on a weekly basis, taking an approach of "showing interest, not insistence," hoping we could propel the process, while giving the agents time to do their jobs. Numerous times, our case worker insisted our study was on a supervisor's desk, or pending approval. The wait became so long thatwe were forced to re-submit car insurance forms, which had expired, re-submit background check approval forms, which were shredded, told the wrong background check had been requested by the state, that the department's audit was detracting from our progress, that the efforts to become accredited had led to new processes and new mistakes, and now, nothing.
We were hopeful a child would join us perhaps by Halloween, probably Thanksgiving and definitely Christmas 2008. Now on February 19th, we are convinced that, despite clean background checks, and a positive homestudy, we will never be approved. We've asked the three DCS employees who have ever corresponded with us if they can find us someone who can return a call or e-mail. That request has not been answered. We appreciate your time, and any effort you can provide to help.
Alan and Sarah _______
So he took it on himself to write a professional but rather scathing email to the DIRECTOR of the state's social services department and a number of other people. Within 7 minutes he had his first email response (telling him it had been assigned to someone), and within 45 minutes he had another email response and a phone call! Holy crapoly!
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Alan _____. In the spring of 2008, my wife Sarah and I madethe decision to become foster parents. We enrolled in the state's PATH(Parents as Tender Healers) classes, finishing up Labor Day weekend. Bythe middle of September, social workers had completed their home visitsand interviews with Sarah and I, friends and family sent in letters of reference, and we submitted fingerprints for criminal background checks.Our social worker commended us on our organization and timeliness andpromised to get started on our approval right away. At this point thegreatest concern Sarah and I had was whether our first foster childwould like dogs.
In the following months our hopes began to cloud. Our case worker,never easy to get in touch with, informed us our class homework had beenshredded, and if we could do it again. Fortunately, we'd made copies which we provided. Weeks continued going by without a word. Sarah and I began a practice of contacting our worker and supervisor on a weekly basis, taking an approach of "showing interest, not insistence," hoping we could propel the process, while giving the agents time to do their jobs. Numerous times, our case worker insisted our study was on a supervisor's desk, or pending approval. The wait became so long thatwe were forced to re-submit car insurance forms, which had expired, re-submit background check approval forms, which were shredded, told the wrong background check had been requested by the state, that the department's audit was detracting from our progress, that the efforts to become accredited had led to new processes and new mistakes, and now, nothing.
We were hopeful a child would join us perhaps by Halloween, probably Thanksgiving and definitely Christmas 2008. Now on February 19th, we are convinced that, despite clean background checks, and a positive homestudy, we will never be approved. We've asked the three DCS employees who have ever corresponded with us if they can find us someone who can return a call or e-mail. That request has not been answered. We appreciate your time, and any effort you can provide to help.
Alan and Sarah _______
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
No cyst
No cyst. On the surface, that sounds good, but really it just indicates that the endo is so bad now that I’m likely to have pain both mid-cycle and during my period most cycles for the rest of my life. Because the endo is so severe, it has adhered my left ovary to my uterus, and my ute to my bowel, which means that another laparoscopic surgery is not likely to be successful. Most likely it actually bowel pain I am feeling. So my options are: 1) Go on hormonal birth control, which will prevent ovulation and only allow the endo to spread a little bit at a time instead of a lot. I’m past the idea of being pregnant, so this is okay, except I hate the side effects. 2) Have a laparotomy (cut open surgery) to remove the endo around my bowel, but there’s significant risks. 3) Have a hysterectomy, but again because it’s so bad, it couldn’t be done laparoscopically and would be the same as 2, just taking everything but my right ovary.
I didn’t know that about the hysterectomy being an open surgery for me. This scares me shitless because my mom’s best friend had some surgery in the 80’s (not sure which one) that punctured her bowel and it was really awful. Many dozens of surgeries, many lawyers and lawsuits and settlements and awards, even a cheating husband, divorce, and financial ruin, and a colostomy later, she passed away after 20-odd years of severe pain. Not my idea of a Sunday at the park. This sucks. Furthermore, she said that hysterectomies are always optional, but that she’s certain at some point I will elect to have one because the pain will be too unbearable. The only thing that *might* change that is if I get pregnant, because the slow expansion of my uterus would stretch out all the scar tissue and endo and possibly free some of the adhesions. If I were to get pregnant (and carry the baby/s to term), I would have at least a chance of avoiding open surgery. Which is really freaking appealing to me.
The problem: Obviously I can’t get pregnant with my insides being the way they are. So, I could have in vitro fertilization, which I’ve pretty much fought against since it was first mentioned a year ago (by a different doctor). I haven’t even explored how I feel about the ethical implications yet, but that will have to be done. Also, some people I’ve talked to who’ve had it did not enjoy the process one bit. The drugs make you nuts. And I have been told I have an increased risk of miscarriage because of my autoimmune issues (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis as well as a lupus-like illness called Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, which is currently in remission – yay). So, to spend our life savings to put all our eggs in one basket, and then have a higher risk of dropping the basket, well…
So, here’s what we decided at the moment. I know there are some blood tests and titers that can determine if I carry the particular autoimmune antibodies that increase risk of miscarriage, so I had the doctor pull literally 12 vials of blood on me today to run those. If that comes back normal, meaning I have an average chance of conception through IVF and an average chance of carrying to term, we will open the door back up for DISCUSSING in vitro as a viable option. Which kind of sucks because I was *all* excited about adoption and this would put that on hold, at least for now. But, man, to have less pain and less risk of open surgery and reliving my mom’s best friend’s nightmare, and of course a child or maybe twins to boot…
I didn’t know that about the hysterectomy being an open surgery for me. This scares me shitless because my mom’s best friend had some surgery in the 80’s (not sure which one) that punctured her bowel and it was really awful. Many dozens of surgeries, many lawyers and lawsuits and settlements and awards, even a cheating husband, divorce, and financial ruin, and a colostomy later, she passed away after 20-odd years of severe pain. Not my idea of a Sunday at the park. This sucks. Furthermore, she said that hysterectomies are always optional, but that she’s certain at some point I will elect to have one because the pain will be too unbearable. The only thing that *might* change that is if I get pregnant, because the slow expansion of my uterus would stretch out all the scar tissue and endo and possibly free some of the adhesions. If I were to get pregnant (and carry the baby/s to term), I would have at least a chance of avoiding open surgery. Which is really freaking appealing to me.
The problem: Obviously I can’t get pregnant with my insides being the way they are. So, I could have in vitro fertilization, which I’ve pretty much fought against since it was first mentioned a year ago (by a different doctor). I haven’t even explored how I feel about the ethical implications yet, but that will have to be done. Also, some people I’ve talked to who’ve had it did not enjoy the process one bit. The drugs make you nuts. And I have been told I have an increased risk of miscarriage because of my autoimmune issues (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis as well as a lupus-like illness called Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, which is currently in remission – yay). So, to spend our life savings to put all our eggs in one basket, and then have a higher risk of dropping the basket, well…
So, here’s what we decided at the moment. I know there are some blood tests and titers that can determine if I carry the particular autoimmune antibodies that increase risk of miscarriage, so I had the doctor pull literally 12 vials of blood on me today to run those. If that comes back normal, meaning I have an average chance of conception through IVF and an average chance of carrying to term, we will open the door back up for DISCUSSING in vitro as a viable option. Which kind of sucks because I was *all* excited about adoption and this would put that on hold, at least for now. But, man, to have less pain and less risk of open surgery and reliving my mom’s best friend’s nightmare, and of course a child or maybe twins to boot…
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i'm a mess :(
1) i think i have a(nother) cyst. i have an appointment tomorrow morning with my OB/GYN to have an ultrasound to see. But after the last few months and particularly the last few days, i'm pretty sure. i do NOT want another surgery! (Even a lap which isn't so bad)
2) i hate the dentist. Novocaine doesn't work for me, and i end up feeling everything. i cry. i had sedation for a root canal last fall, and i've procrastinated getting the permanent crown put on. i also have another cavity on the other side i've been procrastinating. And today the OLD crown i had on the same side the new one will go on, right next door, chipped all to heck.
i wonder how many months of baby fund this will cost? :(
2) i hate the dentist. Novocaine doesn't work for me, and i end up feeling everything. i cry. i had sedation for a root canal last fall, and i've procrastinated getting the permanent crown put on. i also have another cavity on the other side i've been procrastinating. And today the OLD crown i had on the same side the new one will go on, right next door, chipped all to heck.
i wonder how many months of baby fund this will cost? :(
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentine's Day
Alan and i are saving pretty much all of our money this year, which means no gifts. But what we each did (without knowing the other was going to) is to pick out a gift for the other and deposit that amount into our baby fund.
Who needs flowers, anyway? He also didn't get me a statue of Converse All-Star shoes lol. Couldn't find a photo of that one!
What i didn't get Alan:
Alan has always loved the Prisoner tv show, and now it's out on DVD. (They're also remaking it on Sci-Fi network). Thankfully as part of the remake publicity, the episodes are viewable online for free, but i'm sure the DVD's had special features.
What Alan didn't get me:
Who needs flowers, anyway? He also didn't get me a statue of Converse All-Star shoes lol. Couldn't find a photo of that one!
But we're $200 closer to growing our family :).
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Long time, no update
Sorry i haven't updated this blog in a while. i haven't really had much to update with. Alan emailed the state yesterday and asked if there was an update on our file yet, but we haven't received a response yet (surprise, surprise).
i've been stressfully busy at work and gloriously busy with my Etsy shop, as well as babysitting and trying to get recipes inputted into the computer, and stuff like that. i think i'm averaging 2-3 trips to craft stores a week lately! i'll be shocked if i don't walk into JoAnn's and the don't call out my name like Norm from "Cheers!" i just finished a commissioned tote bag and i have 2 more commissioned bags (one a tote and one a slouch/hobo bag), and the lady i babysit for wants me to start making autism jewelry. i just don't know if i'll have time, to be honest. i was up late last night practicing my fine motor skills in the form of wire bending with round pliers to make earrings and those neat necklaces where every bead has a little eye on each side and the eyes are joined. i'm sure there's a name for it, but i'm at a loss. i only cut myself twice. i think i'd better check the bank account before i go, as my list is about 10 items long and i never stop there!
i didn't call my dad in over 2 weeks. Largely because i haven't had time to do the 2 things he's asked me to do (get him an employee price on something and fix his computer), nor the other thing he hasn't asked me to do but will at any moment (fix up his old house because the sale is falling through). Also just because i've been busy until late at night most nights just crafting away. i expect him to tell me he can't depend on me (again) at any moment. That's okay as long as the baby fund grows like a baby bump :).
i've been stressfully busy at work and gloriously busy with my Etsy shop, as well as babysitting and trying to get recipes inputted into the computer, and stuff like that. i think i'm averaging 2-3 trips to craft stores a week lately! i'll be shocked if i don't walk into JoAnn's and the don't call out my name like Norm from "Cheers!" i just finished a commissioned tote bag and i have 2 more commissioned bags (one a tote and one a slouch/hobo bag), and the lady i babysit for wants me to start making autism jewelry. i just don't know if i'll have time, to be honest. i was up late last night practicing my fine motor skills in the form of wire bending with round pliers to make earrings and those neat necklaces where every bead has a little eye on each side and the eyes are joined. i'm sure there's a name for it, but i'm at a loss. i only cut myself twice. i think i'd better check the bank account before i go, as my list is about 10 items long and i never stop there!
i didn't call my dad in over 2 weeks. Largely because i haven't had time to do the 2 things he's asked me to do (get him an employee price on something and fix his computer), nor the other thing he hasn't asked me to do but will at any moment (fix up his old house because the sale is falling through). Also just because i've been busy until late at night most nights just crafting away. i expect him to tell me he can't depend on me (again) at any moment. That's okay as long as the baby fund grows like a baby bump :).
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Calling all Cooks!
Please, please leave me comments with any non-copyrighted recipes that you LOVE that you wouldn't mind us using in a cookbook fundraiser. i've got the software and i'm ready to start typing!
If you have photos, that would be super, too, but not necessary. For the comment, maybe you could add it to a place like http://www.tinypic.com/ and then paste the URL into the comment. Thank you SO much!
If you have photos, that would be super, too, but not necessary. For the comment, maybe you could add it to a place like http://www.tinypic.com/ and then paste the URL into the comment. Thank you SO much!
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's not football time in Tennessee!
i am thrilled to be in my favorite season of the year; the glorious weeks and months between football season and baseball season. (No one much cares about basketball around me.)
Can you tell i'm not a sports fan?
Can you tell i'm not a sports fan?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
i give up
I think it’s fair to say I’ve officially given up. And I also think it’s fair to say that I’m okay with that. There’s almost no chance of conception, and the stress of trying to conceive, of trying to time sex for the right time in the month, of getting unhappy if my attempts to seduce my husband fell flat and we missed the “peak” baby-making days, of wondering whether I was going to ovulate on the “good” left side (and later after the second lap, things reversed and suddenly the left side was the “bad” side and hoping I ovulated on the “good” right side), of waking early even on weekends to take my temperature, of imagining symptoms in the second half of the month almost every single month and worrying about an elevated risk of ectopic pregnancy on top of the possibility of a viable pregnancy, and let’s not forget the sadness that accompanies my period every month has just become too much. And, frankly, it’s not worth it anyway! And it only took right at 2 years to get to this point.
Now, I’m not saying that pregnant women and new moms won’t still feel a little uncomfortable at times when I eye their tummies or their strollers for just a few seconds longer than is strictly kosher. And I’m not saying that I won’t feel sad on days like Mother’s Day as I have for the last 5 years or so (and boy last year was a doozy!). Let’s just hope for poor Alan’s sake that we have a foster placement by May 10, 2009 (which also happens to be my 34th birthday) or it may be the most woeful birthday ever. But in general, I think my mourning is done. As I write this, I don’t really feel that sad at all.
Probably it’s because I know in my heart that Alan and I will have a complete life, and a life complete with children (babies or otherwise), and that this is what God planned all along. My favorite Emily Dickinson quote goes like this,
“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.”
I think perhaps we are paying our anguish before the ecstasy in this case, and knowing this brings hope. We WILL find our child or children. It’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen biologically, it will, and it probably would have before now. If it’s going to happen through foster-adopt, it will, even while the state workers are extraordinarily SLOW in getting us approved and getting us a placement. If it’s going to happen through domestic adoption, it will. If it’s going to happen in some other way, like IVF, we will be guided there. The anguish will only make the ecstasy more delicious!
It’s time to let go and let God. (Not that i won't be screaming through this blog on Monday when we follow up with the state yet again and discover that they probably haven't done a thing yet again.)
Now, I’m not saying that pregnant women and new moms won’t still feel a little uncomfortable at times when I eye their tummies or their strollers for just a few seconds longer than is strictly kosher. And I’m not saying that I won’t feel sad on days like Mother’s Day as I have for the last 5 years or so (and boy last year was a doozy!). Let’s just hope for poor Alan’s sake that we have a foster placement by May 10, 2009 (which also happens to be my 34th birthday) or it may be the most woeful birthday ever. But in general, I think my mourning is done. As I write this, I don’t really feel that sad at all.
Probably it’s because I know in my heart that Alan and I will have a complete life, and a life complete with children (babies or otherwise), and that this is what God planned all along. My favorite Emily Dickinson quote goes like this,
“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.”
I think perhaps we are paying our anguish before the ecstasy in this case, and knowing this brings hope. We WILL find our child or children. It’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen biologically, it will, and it probably would have before now. If it’s going to happen through foster-adopt, it will, even while the state workers are extraordinarily SLOW in getting us approved and getting us a placement. If it’s going to happen through domestic adoption, it will. If it’s going to happen in some other way, like IVF, we will be guided there. The anguish will only make the ecstasy more delicious!
It’s time to let go and let God. (Not that i won't be screaming through this blog on Monday when we follow up with the state yet again and discover that they probably haven't done a thing yet again.)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
On the subject of idiots
Sigh. Today at lunch i was reading a book on adoption at my desk, and my coworker asked what i was reading. She has been generally supportive of our desires to adopt, so i didn't think anything of reading one of the anecdotes in the book about how a birthmother and an adoptive family came to meet and agree on the adoption. It's a very sweet story!
Her reaction was anything but sweet. She says, "That's awful! Why would they want to just give away their baby!" i took a pedantic stance and said very slowly, "Because some people are too young, or too poor, or don't have the support of their families, to be able to raise the child themselves, so they choose to place the child for adoption." "But that's horrible! To just give their kids away!" "No, L, it's not awful. It's wonderful!" "But won't they be sad?" "OF COURSE they'll be sad! i'm sure it's the hardest decision they'll ever have to make. But they make the decision out of LOVE for the baby, because they want to give the baby the kind of life they won't be able to provide on their own. They put their own needs aside. It's not right for everyone, but it is right for some, and it is NOT awful!" "Well, i guess it's good for people like you who can't have your own kids."
Why do i bother with her? Grrrrrr...
Her reaction was anything but sweet. She says, "That's awful! Why would they want to just give away their baby!" i took a pedantic stance and said very slowly, "Because some people are too young, or too poor, or don't have the support of their families, to be able to raise the child themselves, so they choose to place the child for adoption." "But that's horrible! To just give their kids away!" "No, L, it's not awful. It's wonderful!" "But won't they be sad?" "OF COURSE they'll be sad! i'm sure it's the hardest decision they'll ever have to make. But they make the decision out of LOVE for the baby, because they want to give the baby the kind of life they won't be able to provide on their own. They put their own needs aside. It's not right for everyone, but it is right for some, and it is NOT awful!" "Well, i guess it's good for people like you who can't have your own kids."
Why do i bother with her? Grrrrrr...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
On the Subject of Birthmothers
I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of an expectant mom (or dad) who is facing the choice of placing her (or his) child for adoption. This is not an easy task!
We as people going through infertility, and just as humans in general, often deal with frustrating comments from people who most likely just aren’t thinking. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” “Why would you want to lose all your free time anyway?” Or people who don’t know of our infertility problems saying insensitive things like, “What are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger.” On the institution of adoption, “You don’t know where those children are coming from.” "My sister adopted and I always felt sorry for her that she never had any 'real' children." (Because obviously all children who enter families through adoption are fake.) Or people who, when they first hear the word adoption, assume that you will be going to China. Or on foster parenting, “I could never do that; I’d get too attached.” (As if those of us willing to do it are unfeeling monsters, rather than people willing to put the child’s needs ahead of our own even though it will tear us up inside each time a child we’ve cared for is moved from our home.)
But to even IMAGINE the sorts of comments an expectant parent considering adoption for her or his baby must get. First off, the pregnancy obviously is not something easily kept private. Abortion is something most people would never know you did, unless you told them, and has less of a physical toll as well (perhaps even emotional, depending on the individual, because adoption is by no means an emotionless process for anyone). The stigma on single parents has largely gone away, or perhaps just transferred to those who place their babies for adoption.
I can’t imagine the weight of those comments on top of the already huge weight on such a woman! She’s already dealing with the emotions of probably disappointing her family and others close to her, the loss of the future she dreamed of, the loss of innocence, in some cases the loss of a boyfriend, and in many cases adolescence and young adulthood, and if she’s religious, she may feel like she is being punished for her “sins” far more visibly than are others who do the same things.
One common thread must be “Why Me?” Couples struggling with infertility feel “Why Me?” moments frequently. Why do people who are terrible, abusive, neglectful, and uncaring parents get to have child after child and ruin their lives with the abuse, but people who would make wonderful parents have trouble conceiving? Why do millions of other young people have sex without getting pregnant, but when I do it ruins the rest of my life?
Some people liken a birthmother backing out of an adoption as similar to a miscarriage. I won’t pretend to understand the emotional toll either of those things would have on any woman as i haven't been through either, and my heart aches for those who have. And I’m sure that, should we have a failed adoption match, it will be utterly devastating, and the financial loss will only further embitter. But I will try to remember that she made this decision out of love for her baby, the same baby that I will have fallen in love with through the course of the match (and before), and to understand some of her emotions going into that. I will pray that it’s the best decision for that baby I love, and that God will have another plan, another baby, for us. (Remember I said I would try…)
So I’ve decided that, among the usual questions for agencies that we’re trying to form right now before the adoption conference we go to in a few weeks, I’m going to try to place myself in the shoes of an expectant mom. What sorts of things would I be looking for in an agency, if I were in her shoes. Counseling, support, non-coerciveness. What else? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to seek that agency out in the next several months, before Alan and I can make our final decisions.
Please, if you’re a religious person, say a little prayer for the men and women going through the most difficult time in their lives, and that throughout their decision making process and beyond, they find peace throughout their lives.
We as people going through infertility, and just as humans in general, often deal with frustrating comments from people who most likely just aren’t thinking. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” “Why would you want to lose all your free time anyway?” Or people who don’t know of our infertility problems saying insensitive things like, “What are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger.” On the institution of adoption, “You don’t know where those children are coming from.” "My sister adopted and I always felt sorry for her that she never had any 'real' children." (Because obviously all children who enter families through adoption are fake.) Or people who, when they first hear the word adoption, assume that you will be going to China. Or on foster parenting, “I could never do that; I’d get too attached.” (As if those of us willing to do it are unfeeling monsters, rather than people willing to put the child’s needs ahead of our own even though it will tear us up inside each time a child we’ve cared for is moved from our home.)
But to even IMAGINE the sorts of comments an expectant parent considering adoption for her or his baby must get. First off, the pregnancy obviously is not something easily kept private. Abortion is something most people would never know you did, unless you told them, and has less of a physical toll as well (perhaps even emotional, depending on the individual, because adoption is by no means an emotionless process for anyone). The stigma on single parents has largely gone away, or perhaps just transferred to those who place their babies for adoption.
I can’t imagine the weight of those comments on top of the already huge weight on such a woman! She’s already dealing with the emotions of probably disappointing her family and others close to her, the loss of the future she dreamed of, the loss of innocence, in some cases the loss of a boyfriend, and in many cases adolescence and young adulthood, and if she’s religious, she may feel like she is being punished for her “sins” far more visibly than are others who do the same things.
One common thread must be “Why Me?” Couples struggling with infertility feel “Why Me?” moments frequently. Why do people who are terrible, abusive, neglectful, and uncaring parents get to have child after child and ruin their lives with the abuse, but people who would make wonderful parents have trouble conceiving? Why do millions of other young people have sex without getting pregnant, but when I do it ruins the rest of my life?
Some people liken a birthmother backing out of an adoption as similar to a miscarriage. I won’t pretend to understand the emotional toll either of those things would have on any woman as i haven't been through either, and my heart aches for those who have. And I’m sure that, should we have a failed adoption match, it will be utterly devastating, and the financial loss will only further embitter. But I will try to remember that she made this decision out of love for her baby, the same baby that I will have fallen in love with through the course of the match (and before), and to understand some of her emotions going into that. I will pray that it’s the best decision for that baby I love, and that God will have another plan, another baby, for us. (Remember I said I would try…)
So I’ve decided that, among the usual questions for agencies that we’re trying to form right now before the adoption conference we go to in a few weeks, I’m going to try to place myself in the shoes of an expectant mom. What sorts of things would I be looking for in an agency, if I were in her shoes. Counseling, support, non-coerciveness. What else? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to seek that agency out in the next several months, before Alan and I can make our final decisions.
Please, if you’re a religious person, say a little prayer for the men and women going through the most difficult time in their lives, and that throughout their decision making process and beyond, they find peace throughout their lives.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Reflecting on Two Roads
It is a time for reflection for me. Four years ago today, Alan and I were both stuck in deep ruts. I was separating from my ex-husband, going to counseling, grieving the death of my mother, and generally wishing I were dead as I had nothing to live for. Alan was also stuck in a dead-end relationship with a woman who is very likely a lesbian.
It was this day, Groundhog Day four years ago, when Alan found my email address on the interwebs and first reached out to me. His first email was entitled “Ghost of Knoxville Past” (Knoxville, TN is where we first met at 5 years old and became best friends until my family moved away at age 9), and if first impressions were everything, I would have assumed he was the biggest dork in history lol. Thankfully, his dorkdom is at a tolerable level as, hopefully, is my nerdiness (the subject of my response email was “Holy Crapoly!”)
From that letter we became best friends again, and soon I was traveling 2 roads at once, counseling and potential reconciliation with my ex and getting to know Alan again, becoming best friends, and falling in love.
I’ve found myself on 2 roads almost since I’ve known Alan again. Since that time, I was on 2 roads as far as possible career paths. We’ve been on 2 roads together, both trying-to-conceive and trying to become foster/adoptive parents. And we are now on 2 roads together again, still wanting to become foster/adoptive parents but also saving to adopt domestically.
I won’t lie to you; it’s a strange thing traveling two roads at once. I wish I were wording this better, as that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, but I’m just not that good at it most of the time. My emotions feel pulled in 2 directions all the time. Sometimes I feel fickle, like I’m not following through on a promise.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I will be 100% committed to any child who comes into our home. I already am committed to that child. I’m just not sure the best path to get there. I pray on it, and I’m sure the correct road will come clear soon. I like our plan to save money toward adoption so that all of our options are open, and I hope that when the time comes, we can move forward into parenthood swiftly and with purpose.
Thanks for reading all that; sorry it wasn’t better.
It was this day, Groundhog Day four years ago, when Alan found my email address on the interwebs and first reached out to me. His first email was entitled “Ghost of Knoxville Past” (Knoxville, TN is where we first met at 5 years old and became best friends until my family moved away at age 9), and if first impressions were everything, I would have assumed he was the biggest dork in history lol. Thankfully, his dorkdom is at a tolerable level as, hopefully, is my nerdiness (the subject of my response email was “Holy Crapoly!”)
From that letter we became best friends again, and soon I was traveling 2 roads at once, counseling and potential reconciliation with my ex and getting to know Alan again, becoming best friends, and falling in love.
I’ve found myself on 2 roads almost since I’ve known Alan again. Since that time, I was on 2 roads as far as possible career paths. We’ve been on 2 roads together, both trying-to-conceive and trying to become foster/adoptive parents. And we are now on 2 roads together again, still wanting to become foster/adoptive parents but also saving to adopt domestically.
I won’t lie to you; it’s a strange thing traveling two roads at once. I wish I were wording this better, as that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, but I’m just not that good at it most of the time. My emotions feel pulled in 2 directions all the time. Sometimes I feel fickle, like I’m not following through on a promise.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I will be 100% committed to any child who comes into our home. I already am committed to that child. I’m just not sure the best path to get there. I pray on it, and I’m sure the correct road will come clear soon. I like our plan to save money toward adoption so that all of our options are open, and I hope that when the time comes, we can move forward into parenthood swiftly and with purpose.
Thanks for reading all that; sorry it wasn’t better.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Getting Organized
Have i mentioned lately that i married the World's Only Perfect Man? It's true! He spent about an hour with me last night helping me organize my bead obsession. i had the beads arranged in little sandwich baggies in a 3-drawer unit thing (which, sadly, sits on the kitchen table at all times these days lol), and that unit was getting pretty crowded with plastic baggies. Plus some of them were a hodge-podge of different colors and things.
When we were at the bead store yesterday (he's so perfect he even does that with me!), we saw a little organizer that comes with tubes. A lot of the smaller beads are sold in little tubes, so that's handy. i considered buying it and then remembered i had these push-up tubes for (of all things) foot balm left over from my soap-making days. So i got those out and we got to organizing.
The final result?
The top drawer has the colored beads (you're only seeing about half), the middle drawer has black, white, and gray beads, and the bottom drawer has silver beads, clasps, spacers, pendants, and other finishing-off items like the pliers, as welll as some ribbon. Aaah! My soul can relax a bit from its over-crowded state. BUT if i buy any new beads, i'm screwed lol. It'll be time for another 3 drawers.
When we were at the bead store yesterday (he's so perfect he even does that with me!), we saw a little organizer that comes with tubes. A lot of the smaller beads are sold in little tubes, so that's handy. i considered buying it and then remembered i had these push-up tubes for (of all things) foot balm left over from my soap-making days. So i got those out and we got to organizing.
The final result?
The top drawer has the colored beads (you're only seeing about half), the middle drawer has black, white, and gray beads, and the bottom drawer has silver beads, clasps, spacers, pendants, and other finishing-off items like the pliers, as welll as some ribbon. Aaah! My soul can relax a bit from its over-crowded state. BUT if i buy any new beads, i'm screwed lol. It'll be time for another 3 drawers.
On the plus side, i listed 2 new items this weekend that some online friends showed interest in, i shipped off my first sold diaper bag (a gender neutral one if you want to check out my Sold section), and i have a lot of ideas. It's amazing how much free time you have when you don't have to babysit. Unfortunately, free time =/= money.
The saddest thing, though, is that i somehow broke something very intricate that i was kind of proud of. It was supposed to be a choker necklace that had an extra section danglingg. It took a LOT of work, but when i was at the VERY end fnishing it off, the stinking thing broke. Which means i have to start over from scratch! The only thing that can be saved is the 1" or so that the key pendant dangles from. This is very goth, but i thought it was pretty punk rock and would look good at a craft show if we decide to do one this summer (part of that will depend on whether we have a placement or not by then). Here's a funeral picture:
You can see at the VERY right, there's no clasp. Bah! But i've decided it would look better with 2 strands on the right and left sections, so when i redo it (probably not right away, those teeny tiny beads hurt my arthritis), i'll make that happen.
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