i managed to find my caseworker, somehow, after chasing wild geese right smack into the middle of a goat rodeo. She has been transferred to a new building and has a new number, but is still in charge of our file.
The background check form came in, and she had it endorsed by the proper people. She has resubmitted our home study to her supervisor today for review. (Of course today; she probably only did it once she got my voice message. But at least it's done...). i asked her to walk me through what happens now. She said it goes to her supervisor again, then to the next level (this is where it stopped last time), and once they approve it, we're ready to take on placements. The only thing after that is to get us a PIN number so we can get the monthly subsidies for the foster child.
BUT of course there's one more complication. It seems that her supervisor shredded YET ANOTHER of our documents!!! This time it's the form we fill out before having our background checks done (names, aliases, dates of birth, SSNs, race, hair color, eye color, height, weight, etc). She said it's most likely not necessary but *just in case* we have to re-fill it out so that its absence won't hold up our file anymore.
i'm trying to stay calm. Really i am.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
What the heck?
As of this writing, I don’t know what the heck is going on. Since our caseworker’s supervisor didn’t respond to Alan’s email on Tuesday, we decided to follow-up today with another email, this time copying everyone we know (which is the caseworker, the supervisor, the supervisor’s supervisor, and another at that top level who isn’t the supervisor’s direct boss but reviewed our home study because the supervisor’s actual supervisor – confused yet? – was out of the office with a death in the family). But first, I figured I’d give the caseworker a call and see if she picked up the phone (9 times out of 10 it goes to voice mail because she’s busy or out doing visits and things).
When I called, it did indeed go to voicemail, but not my caseworker’s voicemail. It was a man with a totally different name’s voicemail. I redialed, and it wasn’t a misdial. I pressed “O” and it said, “Please wait while we transfer you to ‘mm’.” I hung up.
I tried calling the main office number and did the electronic directory (enter the first 3 numbers of the last name…). It sent me to Mr. Totally Different Last Name’s voice mail again.
I tried calling the main office phone number (had to look it up online) and going the operator route, and it transferred me to “mm” again, and when “mm” answered, I said, “Hi, I’m trying to reach caseworker.” She paused, sounded confused, and said, “Ooh-kay, let me give you the number ‘out there’.” Weird. The number “out there” had a totally different prefix, and was answered by a voice mail indicating it was the Department of Children’s Services, but they’re not open right now and their normal business hours are blah blah blah. Which i was calling during. It said I should call back on the next business days during hours. As far as I know, January 29 is not a federal, state, local, or even imaginary holiday.
So I called Mr. Totally Different Last Name’s voice mail again and left a message. I think I may cry. I can only assume my caseworker left the department. Not that I wouldn’t love to have a *competent* caseworker for once, but it would be nice to have a clue what’s going on, and what this means in terms of our home study approval.
When I called, it did indeed go to voicemail, but not my caseworker’s voicemail. It was a man with a totally different name’s voicemail. I redialed, and it wasn’t a misdial. I pressed “O” and it said, “Please wait while we transfer you to ‘mm’.” I hung up.
I tried calling the main office number and did the electronic directory (enter the first 3 numbers of the last name…). It sent me to Mr. Totally Different Last Name’s voice mail again.
I tried calling the main office phone number (had to look it up online) and going the operator route, and it transferred me to “mm” again, and when “mm” answered, I said, “Hi, I’m trying to reach caseworker.” She paused, sounded confused, and said, “Ooh-kay, let me give you the number ‘out there’.” Weird. The number “out there” had a totally different prefix, and was answered by a voice mail indicating it was the Department of Children’s Services, but they’re not open right now and their normal business hours are blah blah blah. Which i was calling during. It said I should call back on the next business days during hours. As far as I know, January 29 is not a federal, state, local, or even imaginary holiday.
So I called Mr. Totally Different Last Name’s voice mail again and left a message. I think I may cry. I can only assume my caseworker left the department. Not that I wouldn’t love to have a *competent* caseworker for once, but it would be nice to have a clue what’s going on, and what this means in terms of our home study approval.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Some more nostalgia
Alan emailed the caseworker yesterday to ask if the background check had come in yet (since it had been 11 business days and she said it takes 7-10 business days), but not surprisingly, we haven't received a response yet. So rather than waste time SCREAMING, i'll post something a little more positive.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
Sorry it’s been so long since my last letter (a week and a half). Your dad (to be) and I got our info from the Department of Children’s Services about becoming Resource Parents. Resource Parents include Foster Parents, Adoptive Parents, Respite Parents, etc. It was very good information and I’m really grateful that we’ve begun the process.
I shouldn’t be looking at the photolistings of waiting children yet. It’s far too early, and most if not all of the children on the site will be adopted (hopefully) before we finish our training and home study, etc. But it’s sooooooo tempting! There are so many great kids on the site that it’s hard not to look. I wonder with each and every one if they might be you. Or if they will get the great mom or dad that they all deserve. I hope beyond hope that they will find a great home and will be able to grow into happy, fulfilled adults (but not too soon!) one way or another.
Sweet little one, I want to tell you again how much I love you! Once you come to live with us, life will never be the same for any of us, and hopefully that’s a wonderful thing! Change is really scary, to kids as well as adults, but change can be very good just as it can sometimes be bad. I hope that this major change will turn out, over time and adjustment, to be a good one for you, and I hope that it will teach you to embrace change, to challenge your comfort zone, but I also know that it’s easier said than done.
As I write this, Spring is arriving. The weather is getting warmer, and the days are getting longer, and the flowers are blooming. I think we had a little bit of a late Spring this year, and even in mid-April the daffodils are swinging their merry little petals in the wind and feeling happy to be alive, bringing a feeling of hope to all of us mere humans. This makes it easier to be hopeful about change in general, although I couldn’t be happier about adopting you.
This seems like a good time to tell you again how much I already love you. They say that when a mother gives birth, she feels overwhelmed with love for her new baby. Some people worry when they look at adopting a baby that they won’t feel that rush of emotion for a baby they didn’t carry in their own womb. Others worry that they couldn’t feel that way about a child they adopt who isn’t a baby. I can tell you that that is in no way true, at least for me. I already have overwhelming love for you, because you are the child that God intended for Alan and me, and we believe that with all of our hearts. There will be times in your life when you feel like no one loves you, or maybe that no one could possibly love you. Just always remember that we picked you! Out of all of the children who need homes in all of the world (and sadly that number is very, very high), we chose you, and maybe even your other brothers or sisters. And we chose you because you were exactly what we needed. And remember, we chose you for who you ARE, not for what you do. You don’t have to worry that if you don’t behave yourself or if you make a mistake that we won’t love you anymore. Our family is forever.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I often call your dad “The World’s Only Perfect Man”. Perfect men, in theory, don’t make mistakes. But everyone makes mistakes, even perfect men. So your dad does sometimes make mistakes. But that doesn’t make him imperfect. He is absolutely the World’s Only Perfect Man, for me. He was meant for me and I was meant for him, and you were meant for us. No amount of mistakes will ever change that, and don’t forget it. This makes you “The World’s Only Perfect Kid.” Really! It’s true! When we make a commitment to you, it will be forever.
Again, I wonder what you will be like. Will you love pizza? Will you eat broccoli (don’t worry; we don’t eat it often as we don’t like it either)? Will you like chocolate? Will you watch sports with your dad or will you ride horses with me? Or maybe you’ll do both, or neither, and that’s okay, too. We want you to be your own person, with your own personality. One thing I’m sure of is that you will have personality! We hope you will respect our personalities as well, because we certainly have a lot of it! The voices your dad makes, our stuffed animals and their personas, my quirks, etc. You can be as much or as little like us as you are or want to be, and we will love you for it! We hope that we will have the wisdom to see the difference between matters of personality and expression, and matters of health, safety, and security. We will do our best to protect you from things that may damage your health, safety, or security. Like if you hang out with kids who do drugs or who are in gangs. That is very serious stuff, and we want to protect you from it. But if you want to get your hair cut a certain way or wear certain clothes (even if they’re UGLY!), we will try to respect that, within reason, and allow you to express yourself your way. After all, you are ours because we fell in love with your personality! Why would we want to change it? (Something I’ve never understood about women who try to change their husbands, but I digress…)
I remember being a kid, and all of the thoughts I would have about the world. Some of them were surprisingly deep. I hope that you will share some of those with us. Somehow as we get older we stop thinking as much, or as deeply, and I miss that. It’s probably because when you’re young, everything about the world is so new and exciting, but when you get older, you’ve experienced so many different things that you’ve learned to accept them without questioning them. I hope you will question things, because that’s how you learn, and it’s also how you bring about change for the future. Inventors are people who challenge what they know to be true. Like the people who knew that humans weren’t meant to fly, that humans didn’t have wings and couldn’t stay aloft in the air, etc. These are the men and women who created airplanes, and, my personal favorite, hang gliders! Not that you have to be an inventor. I just hope that you’ll be an independent thinker.
Well, sweetheart, I’ve talked and talked this morning and I’d probably end this now or it will become a big long book.
So Happy You Are Mine (SHYAM)!
Mom
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
Sorry it’s been so long since my last letter (a week and a half). Your dad (to be) and I got our info from the Department of Children’s Services about becoming Resource Parents. Resource Parents include Foster Parents, Adoptive Parents, Respite Parents, etc. It was very good information and I’m really grateful that we’ve begun the process.
I shouldn’t be looking at the photolistings of waiting children yet. It’s far too early, and most if not all of the children on the site will be adopted (hopefully) before we finish our training and home study, etc. But it’s sooooooo tempting! There are so many great kids on the site that it’s hard not to look. I wonder with each and every one if they might be you. Or if they will get the great mom or dad that they all deserve. I hope beyond hope that they will find a great home and will be able to grow into happy, fulfilled adults (but not too soon!) one way or another.
Sweet little one, I want to tell you again how much I love you! Once you come to live with us, life will never be the same for any of us, and hopefully that’s a wonderful thing! Change is really scary, to kids as well as adults, but change can be very good just as it can sometimes be bad. I hope that this major change will turn out, over time and adjustment, to be a good one for you, and I hope that it will teach you to embrace change, to challenge your comfort zone, but I also know that it’s easier said than done.
As I write this, Spring is arriving. The weather is getting warmer, and the days are getting longer, and the flowers are blooming. I think we had a little bit of a late Spring this year, and even in mid-April the daffodils are swinging their merry little petals in the wind and feeling happy to be alive, bringing a feeling of hope to all of us mere humans. This makes it easier to be hopeful about change in general, although I couldn’t be happier about adopting you.
This seems like a good time to tell you again how much I already love you. They say that when a mother gives birth, she feels overwhelmed with love for her new baby. Some people worry when they look at adopting a baby that they won’t feel that rush of emotion for a baby they didn’t carry in their own womb. Others worry that they couldn’t feel that way about a child they adopt who isn’t a baby. I can tell you that that is in no way true, at least for me. I already have overwhelming love for you, because you are the child that God intended for Alan and me, and we believe that with all of our hearts. There will be times in your life when you feel like no one loves you, or maybe that no one could possibly love you. Just always remember that we picked you! Out of all of the children who need homes in all of the world (and sadly that number is very, very high), we chose you, and maybe even your other brothers or sisters. And we chose you because you were exactly what we needed. And remember, we chose you for who you ARE, not for what you do. You don’t have to worry that if you don’t behave yourself or if you make a mistake that we won’t love you anymore. Our family is forever.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I often call your dad “The World’s Only Perfect Man”. Perfect men, in theory, don’t make mistakes. But everyone makes mistakes, even perfect men. So your dad does sometimes make mistakes. But that doesn’t make him imperfect. He is absolutely the World’s Only Perfect Man, for me. He was meant for me and I was meant for him, and you were meant for us. No amount of mistakes will ever change that, and don’t forget it. This makes you “The World’s Only Perfect Kid.” Really! It’s true! When we make a commitment to you, it will be forever.
Again, I wonder what you will be like. Will you love pizza? Will you eat broccoli (don’t worry; we don’t eat it often as we don’t like it either)? Will you like chocolate? Will you watch sports with your dad or will you ride horses with me? Or maybe you’ll do both, or neither, and that’s okay, too. We want you to be your own person, with your own personality. One thing I’m sure of is that you will have personality! We hope you will respect our personalities as well, because we certainly have a lot of it! The voices your dad makes, our stuffed animals and their personas, my quirks, etc. You can be as much or as little like us as you are or want to be, and we will love you for it! We hope that we will have the wisdom to see the difference between matters of personality and expression, and matters of health, safety, and security. We will do our best to protect you from things that may damage your health, safety, or security. Like if you hang out with kids who do drugs or who are in gangs. That is very serious stuff, and we want to protect you from it. But if you want to get your hair cut a certain way or wear certain clothes (even if they’re UGLY!), we will try to respect that, within reason, and allow you to express yourself your way. After all, you are ours because we fell in love with your personality! Why would we want to change it? (Something I’ve never understood about women who try to change their husbands, but I digress…)
I remember being a kid, and all of the thoughts I would have about the world. Some of them were surprisingly deep. I hope that you will share some of those with us. Somehow as we get older we stop thinking as much, or as deeply, and I miss that. It’s probably because when you’re young, everything about the world is so new and exciting, but when you get older, you’ve experienced so many different things that you’ve learned to accept them without questioning them. I hope you will question things, because that’s how you learn, and it’s also how you bring about change for the future. Inventors are people who challenge what they know to be true. Like the people who knew that humans weren’t meant to fly, that humans didn’t have wings and couldn’t stay aloft in the air, etc. These are the men and women who created airplanes, and, my personal favorite, hang gliders! Not that you have to be an inventor. I just hope that you’ll be an independent thinker.
Well, sweetheart, I’ve talked and talked this morning and I’d probably end this now or it will become a big long book.
So Happy You Are Mine (SHYAM)!
Mom
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Adventures in Babysitting
Aside from a terrible 80’s movie, it’s also how I spent my Sunday. I decided to start sitting for money again, a la teenagerdom, to help save money for our baby account for adoption or IVF in the future. (We decided the day after Christmas, when I was telling Alan about my fears about working with the state and their pathetic beaurocrazy and red tape, to save through our anniversary in November and make a decision between IVF and non-state adoption at that time.)
Because of my experience with high-functioning autism, I was hired by a lady who has a 10 year old girl with autism (we’ll call the girl F). F is a very sweet girl, and functions to some degree but probably doesn’t qualify for the “high-functioning” label. Very intelligent, but, while verbal, most of her speech is rote language, or repeating what she’s seen on tv or videos, or singing songs and such (in several languages actually). The first day I met her, F gasped and said, “You’re fat!” I just said, “You’re right!” These kids don’t have any concept of “polite”, so it’s impossible to be offended. Sunday was my first day babysitting F, and I was there pretty much all afternoon into the evening.
The day was pretty much completely uneventful. F spent the day in her room and her mom’s office, watching videos, playing the Wii, or playing on the computer. Her mom gives her one day a week to spend that way and this was that day. She did come out of her room a few times to plop herself on my lap, usually without warning, sometimes to sprawl out on the sofa on top of me.
Then she told me she was getting hungry, and I asked if she wanted a grilled cheese. She did. Her mom had shown me how to make F’s special grilled cheese, which is 2 slices of bread, one slice of cheese, put it in the Panini maker, and then slice diagonally into fourths. No problem. I take F her sandwich, she looks at it and says, “No! Where’s 10?” I said, “What’s 10?” She says, “10 number.” I said, “I’m sorry, F, I don’t know what 10 number means.” She says, “Where’s 5, 6, 7, 8?” Lightbulb! I figured out that she gets 2 sandwiches at a time, not just one, and that 2 sandwiches cut into fourths equals 8. 5, 6, 7, and 8. So, I made her another sandwich and was pretty darn proud of myself when she took both sandwiches back (all 8 pieces) happily. I’m not entirely sure what 10 number is, but if I had to guess, she probably added back in the 2 from 2 sandwiches. That’s what I always did on my math problems in school, too, and why I never got really good grades in simple math but can do complex calculus without blinking an eye.
That’s it. That was my whole adventure. (I did warn you I’m the world’s most boring person.)
Because of my experience with high-functioning autism, I was hired by a lady who has a 10 year old girl with autism (we’ll call the girl F). F is a very sweet girl, and functions to some degree but probably doesn’t qualify for the “high-functioning” label. Very intelligent, but, while verbal, most of her speech is rote language, or repeating what she’s seen on tv or videos, or singing songs and such (in several languages actually). The first day I met her, F gasped and said, “You’re fat!” I just said, “You’re right!” These kids don’t have any concept of “polite”, so it’s impossible to be offended. Sunday was my first day babysitting F, and I was there pretty much all afternoon into the evening.
The day was pretty much completely uneventful. F spent the day in her room and her mom’s office, watching videos, playing the Wii, or playing on the computer. Her mom gives her one day a week to spend that way and this was that day. She did come out of her room a few times to plop herself on my lap, usually without warning, sometimes to sprawl out on the sofa on top of me.
Then she told me she was getting hungry, and I asked if she wanted a grilled cheese. She did. Her mom had shown me how to make F’s special grilled cheese, which is 2 slices of bread, one slice of cheese, put it in the Panini maker, and then slice diagonally into fourths. No problem. I take F her sandwich, she looks at it and says, “No! Where’s 10?” I said, “What’s 10?” She says, “10 number.” I said, “I’m sorry, F, I don’t know what 10 number means.” She says, “Where’s 5, 6, 7, 8?” Lightbulb! I figured out that she gets 2 sandwiches at a time, not just one, and that 2 sandwiches cut into fourths equals 8. 5, 6, 7, and 8. So, I made her another sandwich and was pretty darn proud of myself when she took both sandwiches back (all 8 pieces) happily. I’m not entirely sure what 10 number is, but if I had to guess, she probably added back in the 2 from 2 sandwiches. That’s what I always did on my math problems in school, too, and why I never got really good grades in simple math but can do complex calculus without blinking an eye.
That’s it. That was my whole adventure. (I did warn you I’m the world’s most boring person.)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Nostalgia Pt. 2
Before you get to the "good" stuff (lol, though this one is very short comparatively), i thought i would just make a comment about the previous one. i've learned a lot since i wrote that, and one thing i've learned is that the "i picked you" analogy is too much to put on a child, because, instead of making them feel special as intended, it can make them feel as though they have to be perfect or they won't be wanted anymore. i would never want to put that on a child, so if i ever give them these letters, i'll either edit that out or try really hard to explain it to them first. i did mention "unconditional", but i don't know...
2 more days until we contact the state again to find out if they got the correct background check back, and to find out what happens now... Obviously my letter below didn't turn out to have an accurate timeline. :(
Friday, April 04, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
It’s been a week since my last letter, and I just thought I’d give you a quick update. Last weekend, your dad and I went to the bookstore and bought a lot of books about adoption. I know we will make mistakes, but at least we will have read a lot about it before we make them!
On Monday I called the Department of Children’s Services and asked about adoption. They are supposed to mail me out a big packet of information about being a foster parent today. I hope to have it this weekend so I can go through it with your dad. Even though we want to adopt you for keeps, there’s a requirement to be certified as a foster home before we can adopt. We’ll foster a child or children for six months before we can adopt. It’s possible that you were that first foster child and we may decide to keep you! Or maybe we’ll have to look a little harder to find you, but that’s okay, because we’re determined to find you. You are the child who was meant to be ours.
I have a confession to make. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to think of all of the children in foster care. The numbers are staggering! I’m so very sad that there’s so much hurt in this world, and that each and every one of those children feel the kind of pain that I wish I could shelter you from. I just have to hope and pray that we can make some small difference. I’m hoping we can begin to take our classes by this summer, and have our home study completed within 6 months from now. It’s good to have goals like that.
So Happy You Are Mine! (Shyam)
Mom
2 more days until we contact the state again to find out if they got the correct background check back, and to find out what happens now... Obviously my letter below didn't turn out to have an accurate timeline. :(
Friday, April 04, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
It’s been a week since my last letter, and I just thought I’d give you a quick update. Last weekend, your dad and I went to the bookstore and bought a lot of books about adoption. I know we will make mistakes, but at least we will have read a lot about it before we make them!
On Monday I called the Department of Children’s Services and asked about adoption. They are supposed to mail me out a big packet of information about being a foster parent today. I hope to have it this weekend so I can go through it with your dad. Even though we want to adopt you for keeps, there’s a requirement to be certified as a foster home before we can adopt. We’ll foster a child or children for six months before we can adopt. It’s possible that you were that first foster child and we may decide to keep you! Or maybe we’ll have to look a little harder to find you, but that’s okay, because we’re determined to find you. You are the child who was meant to be ours.
I have a confession to make. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to think of all of the children in foster care. The numbers are staggering! I’m so very sad that there’s so much hurt in this world, and that each and every one of those children feel the kind of pain that I wish I could shelter you from. I just have to hope and pray that we can make some small difference. I’m hoping we can begin to take our classes by this summer, and have our home study completed within 6 months from now. It’s good to have goals like that.
So Happy You Are Mine! (Shyam)
Mom
Friday, January 23, 2009
Some Nostalgia
i found this letter i wrote on March 28, 2008, and thought you might enjoy it.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
I have some great news! Last night, your father (to be) and I decided that we really want to adopt you! We don’t know you yet, but we know we’ll find you one day, hopefully soon.
This morning greets me with great anticipation and excitement. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel about you. I love you with all of my heart already.
There are some things I feel I must tell you. The first is that I love you, and I will always love you, and so does your dad. That’s unconditional. Unconditional means that no matter how many mistakes you make, it will not affect how I feel about you. I will be angry with you at times, just as you will be angry with me at times as well. That’s a part of life. And when you are angry with me, I promise that I will do my best to make sure that the decisions I make are in your best interest and not for any other reason in the world.
Sometimes what is best for you will not be the same as what you want to do. I hope you will understand this, and forgive me for those times when you are angry or unhappy and I can’t make it better for you. And when there are times when you are doing the best you can, I will try my best to understand this and not to be too hard on you.
I cannot wait to find out all about you. Are you a boy or a girl? How old are you? What are your favorite activities? Do you like sports and being outside, or do you like inside things like reading and playing video games? Do you like animals? I really hope so as we have 3 BIG dogs, a rabbit, and a horse. I’d love to take you to visit the horse; he doesn’t live at our house but is kept at someone else’s barn. Maybe you’d even like to ride him. What other things do you like? I like going to theme parks, but your Dad doesn’t really like the rides. We went hang gliding once, and that was so thrilling. We could take you sometime if you wanted, or we can do some other things you like if you’d rather. I really look forward to doing things as a family.
There’s something really important I want to tell you, and I hope you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. I want to apologize to you because I know that, in a way, I’ve taken away a dream of yours, while at the same time you are making one of mine come true. You’ve probably always dreamed that your mom or your dad, I mean your original mom or dad, would be able to take you back and keep you. This has probably always been your dream of what a family is like. And now, because your parents’ rights have been terminated, you are realizing that this will never be possible. I can’t imagine the pain that this causes you, and I want you to know it’s okay for you to feel this way, and it’s okay for you to talk about it with me or your new dad or anyone else if you want to, and it’s okay to keep it to yourself if you want to instead. I wish you never had to go through this. I love you so much, and I hate that you have to hurt this way. If I could, I would change things and make it where you could live with your original family and have that dream come true. Even though I love you and want you more than anything, I would gladly give up my dreams for you if it were possible for your dreams to come true.
Please know that just because you are available for adoption doesn’t mean that no one wants you. Your original parents wanted you, but they just weren’t able to meet your needs for whatever reasons. If they could get their lives together and take care of you, I’m sure they would want to. They just aren’t able to. Also, obviously your dad and I want you. We love YOU as the individual that you are. You are a blessing and a dream come true! And, please know that it is absolutely, positively NOT your fault that you are adopted.
I wonder what your favorite color is. I wonder if we’ll have your room painted that color for you before you come live with us, or if you’ll help us decorate it. We want your room to be a special place where you can feel safe. Because there will be times when you feel alone, and afraid, and insecure. And we will be right downstairs when you’re ready to spend time with us again.
Little One, there’s something else I want to tell you. We will always respect you. You are a unique individual, with valid thoughts and ideas. And boy, can I not wait to hear some of those thoughts and ideas! Will you be an inventor? Will you come up with some great cure? Will you play pro sports? Or will you be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a schoolteacher, or a farmer? Because you can, you know. You need to know that there’s nothing you can’t do. It won’t be easy - the best things in life you have to work for - but with hard work, faith, determination, and luck, you can achieve whatever you strive for. I cannot wait to join you on your journeys.
So Happy You Are (Soon to Be) Mine!
Mom
Friday, March 28, 2008
Dear Kiddo,
I have some great news! Last night, your father (to be) and I decided that we really want to adopt you! We don’t know you yet, but we know we’ll find you one day, hopefully soon.
This morning greets me with great anticipation and excitement. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel about you. I love you with all of my heart already.
There are some things I feel I must tell you. The first is that I love you, and I will always love you, and so does your dad. That’s unconditional. Unconditional means that no matter how many mistakes you make, it will not affect how I feel about you. I will be angry with you at times, just as you will be angry with me at times as well. That’s a part of life. And when you are angry with me, I promise that I will do my best to make sure that the decisions I make are in your best interest and not for any other reason in the world.
Sometimes what is best for you will not be the same as what you want to do. I hope you will understand this, and forgive me for those times when you are angry or unhappy and I can’t make it better for you. And when there are times when you are doing the best you can, I will try my best to understand this and not to be too hard on you.
I cannot wait to find out all about you. Are you a boy or a girl? How old are you? What are your favorite activities? Do you like sports and being outside, or do you like inside things like reading and playing video games? Do you like animals? I really hope so as we have 3 BIG dogs, a rabbit, and a horse. I’d love to take you to visit the horse; he doesn’t live at our house but is kept at someone else’s barn. Maybe you’d even like to ride him. What other things do you like? I like going to theme parks, but your Dad doesn’t really like the rides. We went hang gliding once, and that was so thrilling. We could take you sometime if you wanted, or we can do some other things you like if you’d rather. I really look forward to doing things as a family.
There’s something really important I want to tell you, and I hope you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. I want to apologize to you because I know that, in a way, I’ve taken away a dream of yours, while at the same time you are making one of mine come true. You’ve probably always dreamed that your mom or your dad, I mean your original mom or dad, would be able to take you back and keep you. This has probably always been your dream of what a family is like. And now, because your parents’ rights have been terminated, you are realizing that this will never be possible. I can’t imagine the pain that this causes you, and I want you to know it’s okay for you to feel this way, and it’s okay for you to talk about it with me or your new dad or anyone else if you want to, and it’s okay to keep it to yourself if you want to instead. I wish you never had to go through this. I love you so much, and I hate that you have to hurt this way. If I could, I would change things and make it where you could live with your original family and have that dream come true. Even though I love you and want you more than anything, I would gladly give up my dreams for you if it were possible for your dreams to come true.
Please know that just because you are available for adoption doesn’t mean that no one wants you. Your original parents wanted you, but they just weren’t able to meet your needs for whatever reasons. If they could get their lives together and take care of you, I’m sure they would want to. They just aren’t able to. Also, obviously your dad and I want you. We love YOU as the individual that you are. You are a blessing and a dream come true! And, please know that it is absolutely, positively NOT your fault that you are adopted.
I wonder what your favorite color is. I wonder if we’ll have your room painted that color for you before you come live with us, or if you’ll help us decorate it. We want your room to be a special place where you can feel safe. Because there will be times when you feel alone, and afraid, and insecure. And we will be right downstairs when you’re ready to spend time with us again.
Little One, there’s something else I want to tell you. We will always respect you. You are a unique individual, with valid thoughts and ideas. And boy, can I not wait to hear some of those thoughts and ideas! Will you be an inventor? Will you come up with some great cure? Will you play pro sports? Or will you be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a schoolteacher, or a farmer? Because you can, you know. You need to know that there’s nothing you can’t do. It won’t be easy - the best things in life you have to work for - but with hard work, faith, determination, and luck, you can achieve whatever you strive for. I cannot wait to join you on your journeys.
So Happy You Are (Soon to Be) Mine!
Mom
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Feeling discouraged
i pretty much have 2 states of being when i think of our foster/adopt status. On days when i call or email the state (whether i get a response or not), i feel angry. On days when i don't hear from the state (like today), i feel discouraged.
So this is a discouraged day. i went to www.adoptuskids.org like i usually do once or twice a week, and found a great kid available for adoption in Colorado. He's 6 years old and in Kindergarten, and i know the photolistings don't always tell the whole story, but he sounds terrific. And of course he's cute as a button, but they just about all are. All i can do is pray that he finds a great family and that Alan and i find a great kid, because chances are so slim that he'll even be available anymore when our home study is finally approved. i've fallen "in love" with at least a half dozen kids/sibling groups in the last 10 months, and each has come and gone from the photolisting, meaning they found a great family. Which truly makes me happy because they need permanency ASAP, not to wait for Alan and me to be ready. But it does make the discouraged days a little more discouraging to think about.
But, we inaugurated a new President today who is supposed to personify hope and change, so i will cling to a tiny shred of hope.
So this is a discouraged day. i went to www.adoptuskids.org like i usually do once or twice a week, and found a great kid available for adoption in Colorado. He's 6 years old and in Kindergarten, and i know the photolistings don't always tell the whole story, but he sounds terrific. And of course he's cute as a button, but they just about all are. All i can do is pray that he finds a great family and that Alan and i find a great kid, because chances are so slim that he'll even be available anymore when our home study is finally approved. i've fallen "in love" with at least a half dozen kids/sibling groups in the last 10 months, and each has come and gone from the photolisting, meaning they found a great family. Which truly makes me happy because they need permanency ASAP, not to wait for Alan and me to be ready. But it does make the discouraged days a little more discouraging to think about.
But, we inaugurated a new President today who is supposed to personify hope and change, so i will cling to a tiny shred of hope.
Monday, January 19, 2009
genesis 3
After filling out our foster/adopt application in March 2008, and after the doctor said my left ovary had disappeared, we were left believing that we couldn't conceive. This was because my first laparoscopy showed my right tube being closed, and without a left ovary, there was no chance of conception.
We weren't able to start our PATH classes until August due to Alan's schedule. PATH stands for Parents As Tender Healers. It's one of about 3 foster classes nationwide, the others being MAPP and... i forget. Meanwhile, i went to yet another OB/GYN, who found my left ovary and in fact said it looked about normal. So... back to ttc while waiting for PATH classes to begin.
i also signed up for the state's mentoring program for youths in foster care, and was matched with a little girl named K who was 12 years old and in a path for adoption. What i didn't know was she was matched with another family to be adopted, and was playing one of us against the other, and eventually (amidst a lot of sad drama), the match was ended.
Our classes ran from early August through early September, 2 classes each Saturday. i really enjoyed them and wish they had been more in-depth. Most of the people in our class were grandparents going to classes because they had to to raise their grandkids in foster care, and they didn't seem to take the classes very seriously :(.
Next came preparing the house. We emptied out our guest room and guest room closet, and arranged it for a child. We bolted the tall furniture (bookshelves, highboy dressers, tv, etc) to the walls. We bought a medication safe for all meds, and a big locking utility cabinet for our cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, matches, etc. We wrote a fire safety plan and filled out about 100 pages of paperwork for the state. We had our home visits and interviews in September, and all went great.
Then, a lot of nothing happened. For months.
We weren't able to start our PATH classes until August due to Alan's schedule. PATH stands for Parents As Tender Healers. It's one of about 3 foster classes nationwide, the others being MAPP and... i forget. Meanwhile, i went to yet another OB/GYN, who found my left ovary and in fact said it looked about normal. So... back to ttc while waiting for PATH classes to begin.
i also signed up for the state's mentoring program for youths in foster care, and was matched with a little girl named K who was 12 years old and in a path for adoption. What i didn't know was she was matched with another family to be adopted, and was playing one of us against the other, and eventually (amidst a lot of sad drama), the match was ended.
Our classes ran from early August through early September, 2 classes each Saturday. i really enjoyed them and wish they had been more in-depth. Most of the people in our class were grandparents going to classes because they had to to raise their grandkids in foster care, and they didn't seem to take the classes very seriously :(.
Next came preparing the house. We emptied out our guest room and guest room closet, and arranged it for a child. We bolted the tall furniture (bookshelves, highboy dressers, tv, etc) to the walls. We bought a medication safe for all meds, and a big locking utility cabinet for our cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, matches, etc. We wrote a fire safety plan and filled out about 100 pages of paperwork for the state. We had our home visits and interviews in September, and all went great.
Then, a lot of nothing happened. For months.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
i hate my guts (TMI warning)
i have severe endometriosis, but thankfully i don't have a ton of symptoms from it aside from infertility and painful cysts. i have long, heavy periods with heavy cramps, but i've always had that so i've never really known the difference. The one continual problem i have is very painful diarrhea, always on the second day of my period.
Fun times.
On the plus side, this morning has been productive considering it was interrupted regularly with visits to the newly renovated bathroom, and i'm heading to babysitting interview number 2. W00t! And we got Rock Band 2 from Amazon (finally!) and will spend the afternoon practicing with our superband Penguin Wheelies.
Fun times.
On the plus side, this morning has been productive considering it was interrupted regularly with visits to the newly renovated bathroom, and i'm heading to babysitting interview number 2. W00t! And we got Rock Band 2 from Amazon (finally!) and will spend the afternoon practicing with our superband Penguin Wheelies.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
So tired!
Worked late, shopped for beads, made necklace and bracelet, listed necklace and bracelet on Etsy, talked to woman on phone about babysitting job (money to go in adoption account), wrote and printed babysitter resume, collapsed in bed.
Tomorrow i get to work early because i got a new assignment and i have to prepare for a morning meeting, make an ass of myself in a different morning meeting because i have to ask the director an "off the cuff" (prerehearsed) question, make an ass out of myself in yet another meeting i have to hold, finish a billion assignments, go home, let the puppies out, call babysitting lady number 2, go to babysitting lady number 1 interview, possibly have babysitting lady number 2 interview, go home, collapse in bed.
Tomorrow i get to work early because i got a new assignment and i have to prepare for a morning meeting, make an ass of myself in a different morning meeting because i have to ask the director an "off the cuff" (prerehearsed) question, make an ass out of myself in yet another meeting i have to hold, finish a billion assignments, go home, let the puppies out, call babysitting lady number 2, go to babysitting lady number 1 interview, possibly have babysitting lady number 2 interview, go home, collapse in bed.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sad, tired, lonely
i'm PMS'ing so much that i'm just tired (exhausted really), and emotional, and lonely. The state has worn me down to the end of my rope, work was tough today, some of my online friends are feuding in high drama style, and i'm just TIRED!
i so look forward to this long weekend. Is that bad to say? i mean, obviously i wish Dr. King had not been murdered. But i do appreciate the day off! Maybe i'll ride my horse on a trail ride and just contemplate nature, even if nature right now is cold and damp and denuded.
i so look forward to this long weekend. Is that bad to say? i mean, obviously i wish Dr. King had not been murdered. But i do appreciate the day off! Maybe i'll ride my horse on a trail ride and just contemplate nature, even if nature right now is cold and damp and denuded.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Hate the State
i hate the state! i hate the state!
So far, this is how our timeline goes. i forget a lot of the details of dates of communications, but you can use your imagination. Let's just say i've tried to follow up with our caseworker by phone and email quite a lot, all along being told "any day now":
March 2008: Decision to foster/adopt, initial contact made and application submitted
August 2008: Began PATH classes
September 2008: Graduation, home inspection, background checks, references, interviews
October 2008: Waiting. Caseworker told us our home study had been submitted.
November 2008: DCS shredded our class homework (resubmitted)
December 2008: Were told home study was submitted for approval, more waiting. Home study was ACTUALLY submitted.
And the latest snafu: After our homestudy made it through our caseworker and her supervisor, the supervisor's supervisor discovered that, of the two background checks required, only one had been requested. We're told it's a 7-10 day process and we'll be done.
This is me... holding my breath:
Monday, January 12, 2009
genesis 2
Alan and i talked a lot about kids before we got married. In fact, one of the reasons i divorced my ex was because i knew he couldn't be a decent father, and it wouldn't be right to bring kids into a dysfunctional relationship. But i've always wanted kids, so we discussed them a lot when we were getting to know each other again.
The "plan" was to have some biological kids, maybe between 1 and 3, and then when they were school age, to become foster parents. We decided i should go off the Pill shortly after we were married, and have been ttc ever since (that's 1 year, 11 months at last count). A little over a year later, the roller coaster REALLY began.
First, i had some really horrible pain mid-cycle. Turns out it was a small cyst, probably a functional one. i do have severe (Stage IV) endometriosis, and have had cysts before. In fact, i had one removed via laparoscopy in December 2005, and it is most likely that when i ovulated that month, the follicle formed on scar tissue from the earlier surgery and caused the horrible pain, which sent me to the emergency room.
When i followed up with my regular OB/GYN, he was completely unconcerned and basically said, "You'll probably get pregnant. Don't worry about it." Despite it having been over a year ttc, and despite me being in my (albeit early) 30's with diagnosed Stage IV Endo. It was at that point i decided to get a second opinion.
The second opinion was with a reproductive endocrinologist, who did an ultrasound. And, not only could he not find the cyst, he couldn't find my left ovary at all. He advised us to do IVF, like, yesterday.
This was the point Alan and i first talked about our options. We discussed in vitro, we discussed domestic adoption, international adoption, and foster adoption. We weren't interested in IVF because biology never seemed important to us. Alan was pretty against infant adoption, and i've always wanted to foster, so we started that route.
Late March, 2008 we filled out our first application to foster for the state. We also decided not to stop ttc just yet, and this is when i started charting.
The roller coaster continues...
The "plan" was to have some biological kids, maybe between 1 and 3, and then when they were school age, to become foster parents. We decided i should go off the Pill shortly after we were married, and have been ttc ever since (that's 1 year, 11 months at last count). A little over a year later, the roller coaster REALLY began.
First, i had some really horrible pain mid-cycle. Turns out it was a small cyst, probably a functional one. i do have severe (Stage IV) endometriosis, and have had cysts before. In fact, i had one removed via laparoscopy in December 2005, and it is most likely that when i ovulated that month, the follicle formed on scar tissue from the earlier surgery and caused the horrible pain, which sent me to the emergency room.
When i followed up with my regular OB/GYN, he was completely unconcerned and basically said, "You'll probably get pregnant. Don't worry about it." Despite it having been over a year ttc, and despite me being in my (albeit early) 30's with diagnosed Stage IV Endo. It was at that point i decided to get a second opinion.
The second opinion was with a reproductive endocrinologist, who did an ultrasound. And, not only could he not find the cyst, he couldn't find my left ovary at all. He advised us to do IVF, like, yesterday.
This was the point Alan and i first talked about our options. We discussed in vitro, we discussed domestic adoption, international adoption, and foster adoption. We weren't interested in IVF because biology never seemed important to us. Alan was pretty against infant adoption, and i've always wanted to foster, so we started that route.
Late March, 2008 we filled out our first application to foster for the state. We also decided not to stop ttc just yet, and this is when i started charting.
The roller coaster continues...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Great Bathroom Reno 2008
First let me say that i am not a big decorator type. We're still using the sofas that my parents gave me when i moved out on my own 11 or 12 years ago, and they were used then. They're still in good shape, and they're not super dated, but the point is i'm not one of those who prides myself in building the perfect nest.
BUT something had to be done about the bathroom. It's a good size, has 2 sinks, a stand-alone (albeit tiny) shower and jacuzzi tub, but it's very 1980's. So for our anniversary i asked for a new light fixture to replace the hideous Hollywood bulbs that made me scream when they came on and i was in bed with a migraine, and for Christmas i asked for new mirrors to replace the sheet mirror.
Here's some pictures of our progress. Unfortunately the old mirror had TONS of adhesive that destroyed the wall, and our patch job isn't so great. Apparently not our forte'. i'll paint the mirrors soon (black), but it was time to get them up so we could use the bathroom again lol. It's been about a week. We also changed out all the hardware on the cabinets and installed new towel racks a couple of months ago.
We need to replace the shell-shaped sinks and counters at some point, but i'm thrilled with what we have so far!
Everybody out of the tub! Aaah!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
reprieve
Our day looked up. We didn't end up going to see my dad because he was having a football party with some friends. (Thank goodness he didn't want me to fix his computer anyway and let Alan watch football with him). So last week when i wasn't able to go because my friend's 9 year old daughter was in the hospital, his comment to me was, "i guess i just can't depend on you." Today, when it didn't fit into his schedule because he was having a party hours after we (hopefully) would have left, it was "Aw, don't worry about it; it's no big deal." i'll take that money and run, yo!
So Alan and i went to Hobby Lobby and got some art for our bathroom, and then went to see a movie. Thankfully Alan had bought tickets on Fandango before we left, because they sold out. We arrived a little late and had to sit in the second row, but it was so worth it. We went to see "Slumdog Millionaire", which is the fictionalized story of a young man from the slums of Mumbai, India, who wins the grand prize (20 million rupees) on India's version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". He is arrested for cheating, and while the police are questioning him, his answers are shown in flashbacks and give clues about how he knew each of the answer. It is stark, brutish, and beautiful, and i would highly recommend it.
So Alan and i went to Hobby Lobby and got some art for our bathroom, and then went to see a movie. Thankfully Alan had bought tickets on Fandango before we left, because they sold out. We arrived a little late and had to sit in the second row, but it was so worth it. We went to see "Slumdog Millionaire", which is the fictionalized story of a young man from the slums of Mumbai, India, who wins the grand prize (20 million rupees) on India's version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". He is arrested for cheating, and while the police are questioning him, his answers are shown in flashbacks and give clues about how he knew each of the answer. It is stark, brutish, and beautiful, and i would highly recommend it.
Bah
i am not looking forward to this day. i have a migraine. My boobs are way beyond sore. i'm dizzy, and tired, and grumpy. Basically i'm PMS'ing. (Sorry, fellows, but it's the truth). But worst of all, i have to visit my dad today.
i love my dad, don't get me wrong. He's a great guy who's generally okay to be around. But he is absolutely 100% computer illiterate. And i have to fix his computer today. The last time i tried to fix his computer, i'd ask him a question and his response every.single.time was "i don't know anything about that, and i don't want to know anything about that." This was, in fact, his answer to the question, "Dad, which box did the movers pack your DSL filter in?" Because, apparently i'm supposed to be psychic. Sigh.
But it's raining today, so it's a better day to go than tomorrow, when i want to see my horse :).
i love my dad, don't get me wrong. He's a great guy who's generally okay to be around. But he is absolutely 100% computer illiterate. And i have to fix his computer today. The last time i tried to fix his computer, i'd ask him a question and his response every.single.time was "i don't know anything about that, and i don't want to know anything about that." This was, in fact, his answer to the question, "Dad, which box did the movers pack your DSL filter in?" Because, apparently i'm supposed to be psychic. Sigh.
But it's raining today, so it's a better day to go than tomorrow, when i want to see my horse :).
Friday, January 9, 2009
A few thousand words
Some pictures, just because.
How about me?
And just for funsies, a picture of my mom for comparison:
This is my sweet Alan as i knew him best, oh, about 25 years ago.
He hasn't changed much, has he?
How about me?
And just for funsies, a picture of my mom for comparison:
genesis 1
i really should have started this blog a very long time ago, but it always seemed like it was already too late. Well, tonight's the night.
My name is fred, and i'm 33 years old. i've known my husband alan since we were 5 years old. When we started Kindergarten, we lived 4 houses apart and our brothers were best friends. So when my mom stayed home and his mom went back to work, and alan hated after school daycare with a passion, our moms worked out an agreement for alan to come stay with us after school until his brother lance got home from band practice in the afternoons. We were best friends for 4 more years, when my family moved from knoxville, tn to nashville, tn, and we lost track. Twenty years later, he wondered how his old friend was and hunted up my email address somehow on the internet and wrote me out of the blue. At the time, i was separated from my ex-husband, and he had a girlfriend, but over time we became good friends again, and fell in love and got married.
Our wedding was November 11, 2006. This is where our adventure really began, because within a couple of months i was off birth control and we began to start our family synthesis adventure. We tried to conceive for over a year when i experienced a terrible cyst (i've had these before as part of Stage IV endometriosis).
More later (guess i'd better leave you feeling suspenseful). Plus, Monk is on, and i can't get enough Monk!
My name is fred, and i'm 33 years old. i've known my husband alan since we were 5 years old. When we started Kindergarten, we lived 4 houses apart and our brothers were best friends. So when my mom stayed home and his mom went back to work, and alan hated after school daycare with a passion, our moms worked out an agreement for alan to come stay with us after school until his brother lance got home from band practice in the afternoons. We were best friends for 4 more years, when my family moved from knoxville, tn to nashville, tn, and we lost track. Twenty years later, he wondered how his old friend was and hunted up my email address somehow on the internet and wrote me out of the blue. At the time, i was separated from my ex-husband, and he had a girlfriend, but over time we became good friends again, and fell in love and got married.
Our wedding was November 11, 2006. This is where our adventure really began, because within a couple of months i was off birth control and we began to start our family synthesis adventure. We tried to conceive for over a year when i experienced a terrible cyst (i've had these before as part of Stage IV endometriosis).
More later (guess i'd better leave you feeling suspenseful). Plus, Monk is on, and i can't get enough Monk!
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