Some Nostalgia

i found this letter i wrote on March 28, 2008, and thought you might enjoy it.



Friday, March 28, 2008

Dear Kiddo,

I have some great news! Last night, your father (to be) and I decided that we really want to adopt you! We don’t know you yet, but we know we’ll find you one day, hopefully soon.

This morning greets me with great anticipation and excitement. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel about you. I love you with all of my heart already.

There are some things I feel I must tell you. The first is that I love you, and I will always love you, and so does your dad. That’s unconditional. Unconditional means that no matter how many mistakes you make, it will not affect how I feel about you. I will be angry with you at times, just as you will be angry with me at times as well. That’s a part of life. And when you are angry with me, I promise that I will do my best to make sure that the decisions I make are in your best interest and not for any other reason in the world.

Sometimes what is best for you will not be the same as what you want to do. I hope you will understand this, and forgive me for those times when you are angry or unhappy and I can’t make it better for you. And when there are times when you are doing the best you can, I will try my best to understand this and not to be too hard on you.

I cannot wait to find out all about you. Are you a boy or a girl? How old are you? What are your favorite activities? Do you like sports and being outside, or do you like inside things like reading and playing video games? Do you like animals? I really hope so as we have 3 BIG dogs, a rabbit, and a horse. I’d love to take you to visit the horse; he doesn’t live at our house but is kept at someone else’s barn. Maybe you’d even like to ride him. What other things do you like? I like going to theme parks, but your Dad doesn’t really like the rides. We went hang gliding once, and that was so thrilling. We could take you sometime if you wanted, or we can do some other things you like if you’d rather. I really look forward to doing things as a family.

There’s something really important I want to tell you, and I hope you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. I want to apologize to you because I know that, in a way, I’ve taken away a dream of yours, while at the same time you are making one of mine come true. You’ve probably always dreamed that your mom or your dad, I mean your original mom or dad, would be able to take you back and keep you. This has probably always been your dream of what a family is like. And now, because your parents’ rights have been terminated, you are realizing that this will never be possible. I can’t imagine the pain that this causes you, and I want you to know it’s okay for you to feel this way, and it’s okay for you to talk about it with me or your new dad or anyone else if you want to, and it’s okay to keep it to yourself if you want to instead. I wish you never had to go through this. I love you so much, and I hate that you have to hurt this way. If I could, I would change things and make it where you could live with your original family and have that dream come true. Even though I love you and want you more than anything, I would gladly give up my dreams for you if it were possible for your dreams to come true.

Please know that just because you are available for adoption doesn’t mean that no one wants you. Your original parents wanted you, but they just weren’t able to meet your needs for whatever reasons. If they could get their lives together and take care of you, I’m sure they would want to. They just aren’t able to. Also, obviously your dad and I want you. We love YOU as the individual that you are. You are a blessing and a dream come true! And, please know that it is absolutely, positively NOT your fault that you are adopted.

I wonder what your favorite color is. I wonder if we’ll have your room painted that color for you before you come live with us, or if you’ll help us decorate it. We want your room to be a special place where you can feel safe. Because there will be times when you feel alone, and afraid, and insecure. And we will be right downstairs when you’re ready to spend time with us again.

Little One, there’s something else I want to tell you. We will always respect you. You are a unique individual, with valid thoughts and ideas. And boy, can I not wait to hear some of those thoughts and ideas! Will you be an inventor? Will you come up with some great cure? Will you play pro sports? Or will you be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a schoolteacher, or a farmer? Because you can, you know. You need to know that there’s nothing you can’t do. It won’t be easy - the best things in life you have to work for - but with hard work, faith, determination, and luck, you can achieve whatever you strive for. I cannot wait to join you on your journeys.

So Happy You Are (Soon to Be) Mine!
Mom