i give up

I think it’s fair to say I’ve officially given up. And I also think it’s fair to say that I’m okay with that. There’s almost no chance of conception, and the stress of trying to conceive, of trying to time sex for the right time in the month, of getting unhappy if my attempts to seduce my husband fell flat and we missed the “peak” baby-making days, of wondering whether I was going to ovulate on the “good” left side (and later after the second lap, things reversed and suddenly the left side was the “bad” side and hoping I ovulated on the “good” right side), of waking early even on weekends to take my temperature, of imagining symptoms in the second half of the month almost every single month and worrying about an elevated risk of ectopic pregnancy on top of the possibility of a viable pregnancy, and let’s not forget the sadness that accompanies my period every month has just become too much. And, frankly, it’s not worth it anyway! And it only took right at 2 years to get to this point.

Now, I’m not saying that pregnant women and new moms won’t still feel a little uncomfortable at times when I eye their tummies or their strollers for just a few seconds longer than is strictly kosher. And I’m not saying that I won’t feel sad on days like Mother’s Day as I have for the last 5 years or so (and boy last year was a doozy!). Let’s just hope for poor Alan’s sake that we have a foster placement by May 10, 2009 (which also happens to be my 34th birthday) or it may be the most woeful birthday ever. But in general, I think my mourning is done. As I write this, I don’t really feel that sad at all.

Probably it’s because I know in my heart that Alan and I will have a complete life, and a life complete with children (babies or otherwise), and that this is what God planned all along. My favorite Emily Dickinson quote goes like this,

“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.”

I think perhaps we are paying our anguish before the ecstasy in this case, and knowing this brings hope. We WILL find our child or children. It’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen biologically, it will, and it probably would have before now. If it’s going to happen through foster-adopt, it will, even while the state workers are extraordinarily SLOW in getting us approved and getting us a placement. If it’s going to happen through domestic adoption, it will. If it’s going to happen in some other way, like IVF, we will be guided there. The anguish will only make the ecstasy more delicious!

It’s time to let go and let God. (Not that i won't be screaming through this blog on Monday when we follow up with the state yet again and discover that they probably haven't done a thing yet again.)