Nothing much

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dear Kiddo,

When I first wrote you eleven (!) months ago, I had no idea that nearly a year would go by and I wouldn’t be noticeably any closer than I was back then. It’s a good thing, or I’m sure my first letters would have been filled with anger instead of so much hope and love. Because love you, I do! And hope for you, I do that, too!

Oh, sweet little one, when will you come home? How will you come home? Will you be a baby in our arms or a gangly pre-teen ready to swear at us? It doesn’t matter; we will still love you. Always and forever we will love you, and always and forever we will hope for you.

Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.

SHYAM,
Mommy


Okay, folks, i'm having a bad day. This was the closest i could come to positive and upbeat. i'm in a lot of pain; it looks like the doctor's prediction of pain lasting about a week twice a month is proving to be true :(. i've had about 5 days of painlessness, and now i'm near ovulation and in pain again. i'm sitting at work with my heating pad in my lap trying to pretend like i'm just really cold to ward off the stares from coworkers, and reality is really sucking at the moment.

i think i didn't post about my freaky dream the other night, but you might get a laugh out of this. Honestly i have no idea how to interpret this. Please don't have me committed!

i dreamt that Alan and i decided to do IVF, and i went to the hospital for the embryo transfer, and we left the hospital with twin girls. Only one was about 3-4 months old, and the other was more like i'd only been pregnant 3 or 4 months. You know, very small (certainly bigger than actually 12-16 weeks gestation but probably only a pound or two still) and looked kind of like an alien dinosaur.

When we left the hospital, the twins were hungry so we had to stop at a restaurant on the way home to feed them. Yeah, i know. And the nurses had told us that since the tiny twin needed more nutrition, i was supposed to breastfeed her, and Alan was supposed to breastfeed the bigger girl who didn't need as much nutrition. i remember asking him to take off his jacket and put it over my HEAD while i breastfed. Yeah, i know.

So i kept trying to breastfeed "my" baby, and her head was impossible to support and lolled around. i kept having to check that she was still alive because she surely had broken her neck. Thankfully she was okay. When she did latch on, she could barely fit the very very end of my nipple in her mouth, and left a bloody circle around it. She would drink one drop and fall asleep and i'd keep having to wake her up, and struggle with supporting her head again.

Meanwhile Alan's twin finished her meal, sat up and said, "Yummy, Daddy! Thanks!"

Yeah, i'm sane.