Apparently there are some internet chicks who know why i can't conceive

Seriously?



I’m a member of a forum about babies. I joined when TTC, and then I started going to the Adoption sub-forum when going through that process, then the parenting boards when D arrived, and a few others here and there. Mostly they are supportive (if snarky), humorous, somewhat educational (though always cross-reference “big” stuff people advise), and a fun distraction.



A few of the boards have something called Unpopular Opinion Thursday. This morning, someone’s UOT was that there’s a reason some people can’t get pregnant. I’m not sure if this is even that unpopular an opinion. I even had someone I consider a friend say that to me not long ago, and I didn’t let it bother me because she was respectful about it and apologetic later. And, it’s not like it’s something I haven’t spent a great deal of time wondering about.



I mean, yeah, there you are having your date with the dildo-cam for the hundredth time wondering if this is really the right thing to be doing. Or when you start your period at work and you sit in the stall and have a silent cry yet again and wallow in the “Why me?” moment. Yeah, the thoughts about whether you’re really meant to have a baby certainly creep into your mind. You may even turn those thoughts around and look at them from every angle and wonder. You may even go into a depression about it, or you may fight back in rebellion. But I guarantee if you’ve had trouble TTC, maybe even 6 or 12 cycles, you’ve probably had those thoughts, and the more doctor appointments and the more periods that wrack your body and mind, the more you’re likely to have considered it.



Now, I won’t presume to know what God is thinking. I do believe that there is a God and that God has a master plan. Personally I don’t know that God is in the background pulling all the strings to manipulate everyone’s daily life, but I do think that the big things that happen, happen for a reason. It’s not something I think about when I’m in the throes of a “Why me?” moment, but when things are going good, I do think so.



An example: DH and I are a wonderful couple. Not to make you sick, but I can’t imagine having a better marriage, a better partner, a better best friend, etc. But it wasn’t always like that. Just 5 years ago I was breaking up with my first husband, begging for separation or counseling, threatening divorce, etc etc, all while my mother lay dying of cancer. I know that if a few things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in the unbelievably happy place I’m in now. 1) If I hadn’t married my crappy ex-husband. I don’t know what would have happened, but I think it’s likely I would have fallen in love with a man who was “good enough”, maybe even had kids when I was still able to have kids (my ex is the one who put off having kids until I was threatening divorce 6 or 7 years later, and by then I knew that was a terrible idea). If I had married a guy who was “good enough” and had kids, I know I probably wouldn’t have divorced him. 2) I had to have a major push, something huge to rock my pathetic world and make me realize I really did deserve better than an emotionally abusive horrific life I had back then. I’m not saying God killed my mother so that I could marry my husband; that would be unbelievably egotistical. But I do think some good came of her illness and passing, at least in my life (and yes, of course I mourn her every day), in the form of being a catalyst for my own change. And of course there are other things that had to happen in DH’s life to get us to the position we’re currently in. I truly believe that my first marriage was a “placeholder” in my life, and that this end result is all part of God’s plan.



I can’t look in my daughter’s beautiful eyes, which are shockingly similar to my sister’s darker blue-gray ones, without thinking that all of the heartache of TTC, infertility, difficulties getting approved to be foster parents, short-term-placements, etc, wasn’t all somehow magically or supernaturally aligned to bring her into our lives. Even if we don’t get to adopt her, she has shaped who we are and who we will be for the rest of our lives, and I definitely believe there was a divine hand helping those things fall into place.



So, yeah, I do think there’s a reason why some couples can’t conceive. But I don’t think it has anything to do with a weakness in their DNA or God’s way of telling them they weren’t meant to be parents. It might be to help them appreciate their child more when s/he arrives, it might be to guide just the right child into their lives via adoption, it might be a “placeholder” until the planets align properly lol, or there may be some other purpose. But it is most certainly not a sign from God that this couple is somehow inferior in genetic material or in parenting ability!