Something that's been on my mind lately

i wouldn' tcall it an all-out obsession by any means, but i've been thinking a lot about another baby, specifically a younger biological sibling to D. She's 7 months old now, so it's entirely possible that her birthmom is pregnant again. Or, it's entirely possible that she's not and will never be, or won't be for a long time. Who knows? D's older brother T is about 17 months older than D. Back down 9 months (if she wasn't very early) and you have pregnancy with D when T was about 8 months old.

D's birthmom will never be allowed to parent again. That's almost 100% guaranteed because she's sustained so much brain damage from the drug overdose that got older brother S removed at age 3 several years ago. Her birthfather conceivably could parent with a HUGE life change, but as long as he's with birthmom, that won't happen, and thusfar he hasn't really fought for custody, just stood by his girlfriend's side.

If another baby with the same birthdad were born in my county, even after the adoption, we should get called right away or within days at least. If a baby were born in another county in the state, if we haven't completed the adoption of D, we should get the call quickly. But post-adoption and it could take weeks or even months. If they left the state, it could take a while to get the call. Would we take the baby from another family? i don't know. We're SO grateful that T's parents didn't take D from us, and we'd lean toward paying it forward, but that's such a HUGE leap of faith! i don't know, i just don't know.

i don't know if i'm thinking about this so much right now because of D's age and it being somewhat normal to start thinking about future kids now (i've always wanted my kids to be close together in age), or because i'm nearing my next surgery and again dealing with some of the IF issues that go with it and the general lack of control of when we'll be parents again, or because it's come up twice in the last few weeks on an adoption forum i go to where people who've adopted have gotten the call very quickly about another sibling (one is foster/adopt and one is private agency adoption -- both have said "no", by the way), or what it is exactly.

Alan and i are in agreement, conceptually, that we will say "yes" if the baby is a newborn and we're called right away. It won't be easy, but we'll make it happen somehow. But will it happen? When will it happen? Am i crazy for thinking about this? i don't know... and i hate not knowing.

Doctors Doctors

We took D to the pedi yesterday because she's not getting over that cold. Turns out it's in her ears. (Here's where i tell MIL and my sister "i told you so" -- sigh). Her breathing is still really bad today, though, but hopefully will get better overnight. They did a breathing treatment, but they were out of masks. The nurse said, "You'll need to hold this in her mouth for the next 8 to 10 minutes" and then she bloody left. Speaking of bloody, it CUT poor D in the mouth! i was (and am) SO PISSED. We only got to 7 minutes at that time and there was no improvement, so we weren't sent home with a nebulizer, which i guess is good if they were out of masks.

Today i had my appointment with Mystery Doctor #1. i was skeptical, and i guess i still am to a degree, but i actually really like him. He didn't blow smoke up my ass, but he told me what i needed to hear, most of which corresponded to what i was hoping to hear. He does operate with robots, and said there's nothing he could do in a cut-open laparotomy that he can't do in a laparoscopy with robots. And he can even do bowel involvement.

Meanwhile, however, i'm going to have to have a colonoscopy to determine if there *is* endo inside the bowel or just on the outside. Boo that! i'll update when that's been scheduled with the GI doc.

Apparently there are some internet chicks who know why i can't conceive

Seriously?



I’m a member of a forum about babies. I joined when TTC, and then I started going to the Adoption sub-forum when going through that process, then the parenting boards when D arrived, and a few others here and there. Mostly they are supportive (if snarky), humorous, somewhat educational (though always cross-reference “big” stuff people advise), and a fun distraction.



A few of the boards have something called Unpopular Opinion Thursday. This morning, someone’s UOT was that there’s a reason some people can’t get pregnant. I’m not sure if this is even that unpopular an opinion. I even had someone I consider a friend say that to me not long ago, and I didn’t let it bother me because she was respectful about it and apologetic later. And, it’s not like it’s something I haven’t spent a great deal of time wondering about.



I mean, yeah, there you are having your date with the dildo-cam for the hundredth time wondering if this is really the right thing to be doing. Or when you start your period at work and you sit in the stall and have a silent cry yet again and wallow in the “Why me?” moment. Yeah, the thoughts about whether you’re really meant to have a baby certainly creep into your mind. You may even turn those thoughts around and look at them from every angle and wonder. You may even go into a depression about it, or you may fight back in rebellion. But I guarantee if you’ve had trouble TTC, maybe even 6 or 12 cycles, you’ve probably had those thoughts, and the more doctor appointments and the more periods that wrack your body and mind, the more you’re likely to have considered it.



Now, I won’t presume to know what God is thinking. I do believe that there is a God and that God has a master plan. Personally I don’t know that God is in the background pulling all the strings to manipulate everyone’s daily life, but I do think that the big things that happen, happen for a reason. It’s not something I think about when I’m in the throes of a “Why me?” moment, but when things are going good, I do think so.



An example: DH and I are a wonderful couple. Not to make you sick, but I can’t imagine having a better marriage, a better partner, a better best friend, etc. But it wasn’t always like that. Just 5 years ago I was breaking up with my first husband, begging for separation or counseling, threatening divorce, etc etc, all while my mother lay dying of cancer. I know that if a few things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in the unbelievably happy place I’m in now. 1) If I hadn’t married my crappy ex-husband. I don’t know what would have happened, but I think it’s likely I would have fallen in love with a man who was “good enough”, maybe even had kids when I was still able to have kids (my ex is the one who put off having kids until I was threatening divorce 6 or 7 years later, and by then I knew that was a terrible idea). If I had married a guy who was “good enough” and had kids, I know I probably wouldn’t have divorced him. 2) I had to have a major push, something huge to rock my pathetic world and make me realize I really did deserve better than an emotionally abusive horrific life I had back then. I’m not saying God killed my mother so that I could marry my husband; that would be unbelievably egotistical. But I do think some good came of her illness and passing, at least in my life (and yes, of course I mourn her every day), in the form of being a catalyst for my own change. And of course there are other things that had to happen in DH’s life to get us to the position we’re currently in. I truly believe that my first marriage was a “placeholder” in my life, and that this end result is all part of God’s plan.



I can’t look in my daughter’s beautiful eyes, which are shockingly similar to my sister’s darker blue-gray ones, without thinking that all of the heartache of TTC, infertility, difficulties getting approved to be foster parents, short-term-placements, etc, wasn’t all somehow magically or supernaturally aligned to bring her into our lives. Even if we don’t get to adopt her, she has shaped who we are and who we will be for the rest of our lives, and I definitely believe there was a divine hand helping those things fall into place.



So, yeah, I do think there’s a reason why some couples can’t conceive. But I don’t think it has anything to do with a weakness in their DNA or God’s way of telling them they weren’t meant to be parents. It might be to help them appreciate their child more when s/he arrives, it might be to guide just the right child into their lives via adoption, it might be a “placeholder” until the planets align properly lol, or there may be some other purpose. But it is most certainly not a sign from God that this couple is somehow inferior in genetic material or in parenting ability!