Something that's been on my mind lately

i wouldn' tcall it an all-out obsession by any means, but i've been thinking a lot about another baby, specifically a younger biological sibling to D. She's 7 months old now, so it's entirely possible that her birthmom is pregnant again. Or, it's entirely possible that she's not and will never be, or won't be for a long time. Who knows? D's older brother T is about 17 months older than D. Back down 9 months (if she wasn't very early) and you have pregnancy with D when T was about 8 months old.

D's birthmom will never be allowed to parent again. That's almost 100% guaranteed because she's sustained so much brain damage from the drug overdose that got older brother S removed at age 3 several years ago. Her birthfather conceivably could parent with a HUGE life change, but as long as he's with birthmom, that won't happen, and thusfar he hasn't really fought for custody, just stood by his girlfriend's side.

If another baby with the same birthdad were born in my county, even after the adoption, we should get called right away or within days at least. If a baby were born in another county in the state, if we haven't completed the adoption of D, we should get the call quickly. But post-adoption and it could take weeks or even months. If they left the state, it could take a while to get the call. Would we take the baby from another family? i don't know. We're SO grateful that T's parents didn't take D from us, and we'd lean toward paying it forward, but that's such a HUGE leap of faith! i don't know, i just don't know.

i don't know if i'm thinking about this so much right now because of D's age and it being somewhat normal to start thinking about future kids now (i've always wanted my kids to be close together in age), or because i'm nearing my next surgery and again dealing with some of the IF issues that go with it and the general lack of control of when we'll be parents again, or because it's come up twice in the last few weeks on an adoption forum i go to where people who've adopted have gotten the call very quickly about another sibling (one is foster/adopt and one is private agency adoption -- both have said "no", by the way), or what it is exactly.

Alan and i are in agreement, conceptually, that we will say "yes" if the baby is a newborn and we're called right away. It won't be easy, but we'll make it happen somehow. But will it happen? When will it happen? Am i crazy for thinking about this? i don't know... and i hate not knowing.

We have a court date!

It's just the hearing date so the lawyers and people can get together and find a date that works for everyone for the actual TPR trial. The TPR trial will still most likely happen in mid to late Feb or maybe March. After that there's a 30 day appeal period, and after THAT we can file a petition and get a court date to finalize the adoption. Not sure how long it takes from the time we can file the petition to adopt to when the court date would happen, but realistically i'm guessing we're looking at no sooner than early April for finalization. Which is disappointing, but it's still just a few months away so i'll try not to dwell too much on the delays. Unless there are more of them lol.

In more news, Alan lost his phone on Sunday, and apparently it was found as i got a text that someone tried to set up internet. So i had to suspend service and we'll have to get a new phone i guess. Shame we've got all our Christmas gifts purchased already.

i have come to the conclusion that there are "people with endometriosis" and there are "endometriosis sufferers", and that the latter is but a small percentage of the former. i've been hurting BAD for a week and a half solid, and i just want it to stop already! i have an appointment in Nashville on the 30th and another in Chattanooga on Jan 19th. Hopefully one of these docs will be "my surgeon" and i can get this lapex thing under my belt and feel better, at least for a while.

Titles are hard to think of!

This will just cover a few things.

1) Still no sign that the state has filed TPR. They were supposed to do it by October 15, but as of November 6 (i think) they had not. The review board set up another review meeting for December 1, and as of then it STILL had not been done! And the review board set up a court date for January 7, so we'll see if the state files by then or gets chewed out by the state.

2) Tonight i got a call from the state about a newborn, but didn't have to say no because they asked if D was still in the home and i said yes, and they said that wouldn't work. Someone will get a good call :).

3) D is really coming along in the milestones, at least the physical ones. Tonight she pulled herself up using my fingers (i didn't move them so she had to adjust herself to them) and then took NINE steps holding onto my fingers. She's cruising furniture (somewhat), but still only belly crawling backwards. i'm thinking she's going to skip crawling and walk instead.

This week we have a GI appointment tomorrow and her 6 month exam on Thursday. The only thing i'm a little worried about is that verbally she's not ahead. Not that she's behind, but everything else she's ahead, so... Okay that sounds silly. But she doesn't repeat sounds.

She also seems to have more of an issue with reflux right now, so hopefully tomorrow's appointment will help with that.

6 months old!

i am absolutely flummoxed that this little girl is actually six whole months old! Six months ago i didn't know she existed, i didn't know she would soon become the next love of my life, i had no idea what a change my world was going to go through just 2 days later. Wow, it's pretty overwhelming!

i guess you can say things are a little better. At any rate i discovered that DH is having issues getting her to eat, too, lol. i'm starting to think that she may be trying to drop a feeding in the evening, which i'm not sure what to do about exactly. If she liked cereal, i'd give her a big meal in the evenings, but i don't know how much veggies and fruits she'll eat and she hates cereal. She's already eating about 1 Tbsp of veggies and fruit in the evening and then most days another 2 tsp of something in the morning with Alan (when he has time). Maybe if we were to drop this meal, she could eat more in her other bottles, stretch them out just a wee bit, eat more solids, etc. i think i'll mention it to the pedi at her 6 month appointment. For those curious, here's her typical food schedule these days:

6:30 am (all times are give-or-take some) - about 4.5 oz
8:30 am (when Alan has time) - 2 tsp fruit and/or veggie
9:30 am (daycare) - about 5 oz
12:30 pm (daycare) - about 4.5 oz
3:30 pm (daycare) - about 4.5 oz
5:15 pm (home) - 1.5 oz with her meds; she falls asleep while eating
6:00 pm (home) - 2 tsp one veggie plus 1 tsp another veggie or fruit
6:30 pm (home) - usually only about 2-3 oz
8:00 pm (home/bedtime) - about 6-7 oz

Then she usually wakes around 3:30 am and wants about 6 oz, for a grand total of about 34-36 oz per day.

D's balance is getting so good! She now stands and holds onto furniture (and this silly contraption Alan made with a box and a length of PVC pipe) with one hand, and has even taken a few steps. She's slow, she's deliberate, but she's a cruiser!

We had a meeting yesterday with D's caseworker and the county adoption specialist. We talked a bit about whether D would qualify for adoption assistance (the answer is maybe; we won't know for a while yet for sure), and that's about it. Not much else to report except that the petition for TPR *still* has not yet been filed with the state. It was supposed to be done by October 15. Grrrr!

Supposedly D looks just like me

i've heard this said before, but i've never heard it quite so, i don't know, adamantly, i guess.

i mean, it's true that her hair is currently roughly the same color (not light enough to be blonde, not dark enough to be brown, and while there are some red highlights, not red enough to be red either). Her eyes are definitely bluer and a couple shades darker than mine, but they're still in the same color family anyway. And i suppose we both have round faces. She certainly looks MORE like me than like my dark brown haired, medium brown eyed, long-faced gorgeous husband, but she doesn't exactly look like me. Normally when i hear this, DH is right by me, and i think people must just think she looks like me because she doesn't look like him.

But Saturday we all took one of the dogs to Petsmart for vaccinations. (Something i hate but it was expeditious and we had to have updates for DCS with short notice.) Alan took Jessie into the exam room, and i wore D around the store facing out in the mei tai.

As we were looking at the parakeets, one of the dog food representatives came up and said, "Aw, she looks just like you." i just said, "Thank you." But she kept going, saying she doesn't normally see babies who look so much like their moms. Um... So i said, "Really? Because we're adopting her. She's our foster daughter." She couldn't believe that!

(And then she commented about D putting her lip out, right before D started crying and i had to take her over to a bench near the vet area and feed her and then wear her in-facing for a nap.)

Every time i go to type a post title

It comes out something like "Just another update." Can you say BO-ring?

Anyway, we had a foster care review board meeting on Tuesday to go over the status of the case. The only thing that really should have happened is for the petition for termination of parental rights to have been filed. The magistrate had said way back on July 31 that the state had until October 15 to file. Guess what... no file yet. The case worker turned it in to Legal on Oct 7, bu Legal never filed. They're going to reconvene the review board on December 1. Sigh.

The food aversion is just getting worse and worse. i called the doc today and hope to hear soon.

As far as my health problems, i'm still trying to figure out the insurance. Alan's insurance for 2010 will SUCK if he wants out of network coverage, which it will have to be for my surgery. My company's option is actually better, but it could cost $6500 for the out-of-pocket maximums for both in and out of network. The insurance guy from work is going to try to talk to the insurance company but i'm not really that confient. We'll see... sigh.

Apparently there are some internet chicks who know why i can't conceive

Seriously?



I’m a member of a forum about babies. I joined when TTC, and then I started going to the Adoption sub-forum when going through that process, then the parenting boards when D arrived, and a few others here and there. Mostly they are supportive (if snarky), humorous, somewhat educational (though always cross-reference “big” stuff people advise), and a fun distraction.



A few of the boards have something called Unpopular Opinion Thursday. This morning, someone’s UOT was that there’s a reason some people can’t get pregnant. I’m not sure if this is even that unpopular an opinion. I even had someone I consider a friend say that to me not long ago, and I didn’t let it bother me because she was respectful about it and apologetic later. And, it’s not like it’s something I haven’t spent a great deal of time wondering about.



I mean, yeah, there you are having your date with the dildo-cam for the hundredth time wondering if this is really the right thing to be doing. Or when you start your period at work and you sit in the stall and have a silent cry yet again and wallow in the “Why me?” moment. Yeah, the thoughts about whether you’re really meant to have a baby certainly creep into your mind. You may even turn those thoughts around and look at them from every angle and wonder. You may even go into a depression about it, or you may fight back in rebellion. But I guarantee if you’ve had trouble TTC, maybe even 6 or 12 cycles, you’ve probably had those thoughts, and the more doctor appointments and the more periods that wrack your body and mind, the more you’re likely to have considered it.



Now, I won’t presume to know what God is thinking. I do believe that there is a God and that God has a master plan. Personally I don’t know that God is in the background pulling all the strings to manipulate everyone’s daily life, but I do think that the big things that happen, happen for a reason. It’s not something I think about when I’m in the throes of a “Why me?” moment, but when things are going good, I do think so.



An example: DH and I are a wonderful couple. Not to make you sick, but I can’t imagine having a better marriage, a better partner, a better best friend, etc. But it wasn’t always like that. Just 5 years ago I was breaking up with my first husband, begging for separation or counseling, threatening divorce, etc etc, all while my mother lay dying of cancer. I know that if a few things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in the unbelievably happy place I’m in now. 1) If I hadn’t married my crappy ex-husband. I don’t know what would have happened, but I think it’s likely I would have fallen in love with a man who was “good enough”, maybe even had kids when I was still able to have kids (my ex is the one who put off having kids until I was threatening divorce 6 or 7 years later, and by then I knew that was a terrible idea). If I had married a guy who was “good enough” and had kids, I know I probably wouldn’t have divorced him. 2) I had to have a major push, something huge to rock my pathetic world and make me realize I really did deserve better than an emotionally abusive horrific life I had back then. I’m not saying God killed my mother so that I could marry my husband; that would be unbelievably egotistical. But I do think some good came of her illness and passing, at least in my life (and yes, of course I mourn her every day), in the form of being a catalyst for my own change. And of course there are other things that had to happen in DH’s life to get us to the position we’re currently in. I truly believe that my first marriage was a “placeholder” in my life, and that this end result is all part of God’s plan.



I can’t look in my daughter’s beautiful eyes, which are shockingly similar to my sister’s darker blue-gray ones, without thinking that all of the heartache of TTC, infertility, difficulties getting approved to be foster parents, short-term-placements, etc, wasn’t all somehow magically or supernaturally aligned to bring her into our lives. Even if we don’t get to adopt her, she has shaped who we are and who we will be for the rest of our lives, and I definitely believe there was a divine hand helping those things fall into place.



So, yeah, I do think there’s a reason why some couples can’t conceive. But I don’t think it has anything to do with a weakness in their DNA or God’s way of telling them they weren’t meant to be parents. It might be to help them appreciate their child more when s/he arrives, it might be to guide just the right child into their lives via adoption, it might be a “placeholder” until the planets align properly lol, or there may be some other purpose. But it is most certainly not a sign from God that this couple is somehow inferior in genetic material or in parenting ability!

BEST husband EVER!!!

Yesterday i checked my email and we had another request from a caseworker to visit today. This seems to happen a lot, where they want to come with little to no notice, and i'm not a fan of this. Especially after i over-extended myself a bit last weekend and could tell my body was trying to tell me that i needed to slow down a little. (i have Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, which is very much like Lupus, and it's been in remission for about 3 1/2 years, which is awesome, but occasionally my body tells me to chill out, and since i don't want a full blown attack again, i listen. i try not to take advantage of it, but i definitely listen and obey when my body tells me this.)

Now, it's not like the house was disgusting or anything. We don't let it get that bad. BUT we'd come in on Monday from shopping and left some stuff lying around on the kitchen counters, i'd come home on Tuesday and started a craft project at the kitchen table and left some stuff out where it doesn't belong, including a power drill which MIGHT not look great lying around, etc. i have needed to clean the master bath for a while and just never got to it; i was going to do it on Monday but the over-extending got in the way. The living room was fine, but the dogs had dragged some mud in and stained the carpet we steam-cleaned about 2 weeks ago, so it needed to be spot-cleaned again. And if you're doing that, you might as well dust really well and vacuum first, versus dusting after. You get the idea. And on top of that, we bought a new Sleep Number bed and it was delivered yesterday. So just a LOT to get done yesterday for a caseworker visit today.

i decided to take 1/2 day off from work and come home and clean, then get D from daycare early and have the caseworker come by. When i got home today, i found that Alan had dusted, vacuumed, AND steam cleaned. And not just spot cleaned, either! He did a wonderful job, too! So all i had to do was tidy the kitchen and give the bathroom a "lick and a promise" as my mom used to say. Needless to say, D and i had a good afternoon pretty much vegging around. i got my chores done while she napped, and now that she's in bed, i'm FREE for the rest of the evening. AMAZING! Figured i'd blog some and maybe get some exercise in before a steamy hot bath and a good book and a new bed. Yay!

Also in exciting and awesome news, my e-friend Bio sent us a package! i'll take and post pics soon i hope, but she sent 3 amazing things she hand knitted. She made an adorable pink stuffed elephant that D already loves, and the cutest booties for D. And a little something for me... fingerless mittens that are kind of cable-knit (she's probably shuddering reading this because i am clueless about terminology), but the detailing actually forms little owls! Those who know me, and especially Alan, know that owls are very important to us. When Alan turned 6, i gave him a stuffed owl he named Owlbert for his birthday. This was the first non-family gift he ever got, and he's treasured it since. He actually has a couple of hundred stuffed owls as he's gotten one for almost every Christmas and birthday since! (And he's old, so that's a LOT of owls lol). This girl is truly an amazing knitter and an amazing friend. Thanks, Bio!

i find this a little sad and a lot cute

At the family reunion on Sunday, my 8 year old nephew approached me and D and asked where D came from. i said, "What do you mean?" He repeated, "Where did she come from?" i'm thinking, "Am i going to have to have a birds and bees talk with him HERE?" He said, "You know, like what country did she come from?"

Society's message is that all adopted kids come from other countries. Which is sad. Of course, he doesn't know better, so it's pretty cute and sweet all the same.

i just said, "Not all adopted kids come from other countries." Which prompted a brief conversation amongst my relatives who overheard about adoption myths. So it was productive in a way.

Family Reunion

Yesterday was my family reunion on my mom's side. My mom was one of 5 kids (7 but 2 died as babies), and the only girl. i think 4 of the siblings were represented (though only two are still alive), plus two spouses of the deceased sibs were there, including my dad. One uncle had one son (who hosted the event, and his 2 grown daughters were there). One uncle had 3 kids, and 2 of them were there (one with a grandchild, but none of those kids were there). One uncle had EIGHT kids, and 5 of them were there with their combo of 9 kids. My mom had 4 kids and we were all there with 9 out of 10 of the grandkids. And the other uncle had i think 1 daughter, but he's an alcoholic and i never saw him much growing up.

Altogether there must have been 50 people there, if not more. It was fun, but overwhelming. i haven't been to the reunion in about 7 years i think, but wanted to get started again for D's sake.

D (we decided to go ahead and use her to-be-post-adoptive name of Charlotte to avoid confusion) did very well. She was certainly the hit of the party. i was proud to show her off, and i was thrilled to hear my cousin, who's a lactation consultant, tell me how far ahead of her milestones she is and how well cared for she is (even if she's eating that poison bottled up and sold under the name of formula lol). i also found out this cousin lives where i work, and her hospital is just a couple of miles up the road. i'm hoping we can grab a short lunch sometimes.

But boy am i wiped out!