Thank goodness this day is half over!

This has not been what I would call a good day. I know part of it, maybe most of it, is that it’s the week before Mother’s Day (aka Doomsday, aka my birthday). It’s been a tough week the last few years and this year is no exception.

It started out with one of my coworkers doing something… not brilliant. I don’t like to vent too much about work on this blog in case it were ever to be seen by coworkers, but I can’t help it today. This is a coworker I’ve had some issues with in the past, who is a bit… temperamental. So that kind of ticked me off because of course I had to help clean it up.

This morning one of my coworkers passed out cards to all the ladies. Mother’s Day cards. It’s so incredibly sweet. One of the people who just retired, a man I used to work with, who moved back to California after retiring, mailed one coworker a whole stack of cards to give out, individually signed and everything. It’s really sweet and thoughtful, and he even thought of me, but it just stang because it reminded me of my failures. I’d hoped to make it through the work week before the Mother’s Day pain started, but alas.

So I had just finished wiping the tears from the corner of my eyes and getting back to where I can focus on work, when my bumbling coworker asked me to do something related to the mistake she made. I wasn’t really short with her or anything. I just answered her question and turned back to my monitor and continued working because I don’t want her to see that I’m upset. Believe me, she would not make things better if I talked to her about it. She’s the “just relax” type. The one who told me adoption was horrible and she couldn’t believe women would just “give their babies away like that”.

Then about 45 minutes after the original cards were passed out, another is passed out from the same man, this one is ONE card for all of us, with our names handprinted and everything. Again, very sweet, but there goes sting number 2 of the morning.

Next thing my bumbling coworker asks me something else, and I don’t think I was short with her, but she accused me of being short with her. Like I have time to deal with her own neuroses on top of my own this week!

So then at 11 I called Alan as I usually do, and he didn’t answer. He called back a few minutes later, and I heard noise in the background. I asked where he was, and he said, “Megan and I are at the restaurant waiting for our table”, reminding me that I’d forgotten he was having lunch with a friend of his/ours. Megan is someone I went to elementary school with before I moved, and only remember a little bit, but he was friends with her all through high school and college and still is today. I’m totally all over happy about their friendship, and I wish they’d get together more often actually (same with his other girl friends).

Another thing about Megan. She’s had infertility problems, too. I worked with her briefly for a while a little over a year ago, and I know she and her husband were ttc, but we didn’t talk about it too much. I also know she’s Catholic and against any fertility treatments. She has PCOS but said she wouldn’t even try Clomid. For which I always felt kind of sorry for her. I was a little afraid of how to approach the subject of our upcoming IVF with her, and told Alan to please not mention it to her at lunch today because I know she’s against it.

And then, he said it. “Megan has news.” I knew. “She’s 16 weeks.” All I could do is stammer through “that’s great” and “I won’t keep you from your lunch.” I hope Alan’s okay. I have a feeling he’s just as he should be, happy for her. I suck.

Is there really hope that I can make it through the next 3 ½ work days? I wish I had some vacation time to take! I know I should be nothing but happy for Megan, and I am, but I’m also bitter and jealous and sad for me. I hope beyond hope that this will be the last Mother’s Day where I’m not really a mother. Where I remember thinking every year for many, many years “Maybe next year I can celebrate.” But I fear, very deeply, that it won’t.