Please, please leave me comments with any non-copyrighted recipes that you LOVE that you wouldn't mind us using in a cookbook fundraiser. i've got the software and i'm ready to start typing!
If you have photos, that would be super, too, but not necessary. For the comment, maybe you could add it to a place like http://www.tinypic.com/ and then paste the URL into the comment. Thank you SO much!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's not football time in Tennessee!
i am thrilled to be in my favorite season of the year; the glorious weeks and months between football season and baseball season. (No one much cares about basketball around me.)
Can you tell i'm not a sports fan?
Can you tell i'm not a sports fan?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
i give up
I think it’s fair to say I’ve officially given up. And I also think it’s fair to say that I’m okay with that. There’s almost no chance of conception, and the stress of trying to conceive, of trying to time sex for the right time in the month, of getting unhappy if my attempts to seduce my husband fell flat and we missed the “peak” baby-making days, of wondering whether I was going to ovulate on the “good” left side (and later after the second lap, things reversed and suddenly the left side was the “bad” side and hoping I ovulated on the “good” right side), of waking early even on weekends to take my temperature, of imagining symptoms in the second half of the month almost every single month and worrying about an elevated risk of ectopic pregnancy on top of the possibility of a viable pregnancy, and let’s not forget the sadness that accompanies my period every month has just become too much. And, frankly, it’s not worth it anyway! And it only took right at 2 years to get to this point.
Now, I’m not saying that pregnant women and new moms won’t still feel a little uncomfortable at times when I eye their tummies or their strollers for just a few seconds longer than is strictly kosher. And I’m not saying that I won’t feel sad on days like Mother’s Day as I have for the last 5 years or so (and boy last year was a doozy!). Let’s just hope for poor Alan’s sake that we have a foster placement by May 10, 2009 (which also happens to be my 34th birthday) or it may be the most woeful birthday ever. But in general, I think my mourning is done. As I write this, I don’t really feel that sad at all.
Probably it’s because I know in my heart that Alan and I will have a complete life, and a life complete with children (babies or otherwise), and that this is what God planned all along. My favorite Emily Dickinson quote goes like this,
“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.”
I think perhaps we are paying our anguish before the ecstasy in this case, and knowing this brings hope. We WILL find our child or children. It’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen biologically, it will, and it probably would have before now. If it’s going to happen through foster-adopt, it will, even while the state workers are extraordinarily SLOW in getting us approved and getting us a placement. If it’s going to happen through domestic adoption, it will. If it’s going to happen in some other way, like IVF, we will be guided there. The anguish will only make the ecstasy more delicious!
It’s time to let go and let God. (Not that i won't be screaming through this blog on Monday when we follow up with the state yet again and discover that they probably haven't done a thing yet again.)
Now, I’m not saying that pregnant women and new moms won’t still feel a little uncomfortable at times when I eye their tummies or their strollers for just a few seconds longer than is strictly kosher. And I’m not saying that I won’t feel sad on days like Mother’s Day as I have for the last 5 years or so (and boy last year was a doozy!). Let’s just hope for poor Alan’s sake that we have a foster placement by May 10, 2009 (which also happens to be my 34th birthday) or it may be the most woeful birthday ever. But in general, I think my mourning is done. As I write this, I don’t really feel that sad at all.
Probably it’s because I know in my heart that Alan and I will have a complete life, and a life complete with children (babies or otherwise), and that this is what God planned all along. My favorite Emily Dickinson quote goes like this,
“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.”
I think perhaps we are paying our anguish before the ecstasy in this case, and knowing this brings hope. We WILL find our child or children. It’s going to happen. If it’s going to happen biologically, it will, and it probably would have before now. If it’s going to happen through foster-adopt, it will, even while the state workers are extraordinarily SLOW in getting us approved and getting us a placement. If it’s going to happen through domestic adoption, it will. If it’s going to happen in some other way, like IVF, we will be guided there. The anguish will only make the ecstasy more delicious!
It’s time to let go and let God. (Not that i won't be screaming through this blog on Monday when we follow up with the state yet again and discover that they probably haven't done a thing yet again.)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
On the subject of idiots
Sigh. Today at lunch i was reading a book on adoption at my desk, and my coworker asked what i was reading. She has been generally supportive of our desires to adopt, so i didn't think anything of reading one of the anecdotes in the book about how a birthmother and an adoptive family came to meet and agree on the adoption. It's a very sweet story!
Her reaction was anything but sweet. She says, "That's awful! Why would they want to just give away their baby!" i took a pedantic stance and said very slowly, "Because some people are too young, or too poor, or don't have the support of their families, to be able to raise the child themselves, so they choose to place the child for adoption." "But that's horrible! To just give their kids away!" "No, L, it's not awful. It's wonderful!" "But won't they be sad?" "OF COURSE they'll be sad! i'm sure it's the hardest decision they'll ever have to make. But they make the decision out of LOVE for the baby, because they want to give the baby the kind of life they won't be able to provide on their own. They put their own needs aside. It's not right for everyone, but it is right for some, and it is NOT awful!" "Well, i guess it's good for people like you who can't have your own kids."
Why do i bother with her? Grrrrrr...
Her reaction was anything but sweet. She says, "That's awful! Why would they want to just give away their baby!" i took a pedantic stance and said very slowly, "Because some people are too young, or too poor, or don't have the support of their families, to be able to raise the child themselves, so they choose to place the child for adoption." "But that's horrible! To just give their kids away!" "No, L, it's not awful. It's wonderful!" "But won't they be sad?" "OF COURSE they'll be sad! i'm sure it's the hardest decision they'll ever have to make. But they make the decision out of LOVE for the baby, because they want to give the baby the kind of life they won't be able to provide on their own. They put their own needs aside. It's not right for everyone, but it is right for some, and it is NOT awful!" "Well, i guess it's good for people like you who can't have your own kids."
Why do i bother with her? Grrrrrr...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
On the Subject of Birthmothers
I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of an expectant mom (or dad) who is facing the choice of placing her (or his) child for adoption. This is not an easy task!
We as people going through infertility, and just as humans in general, often deal with frustrating comments from people who most likely just aren’t thinking. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” “Why would you want to lose all your free time anyway?” Or people who don’t know of our infertility problems saying insensitive things like, “What are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger.” On the institution of adoption, “You don’t know where those children are coming from.” "My sister adopted and I always felt sorry for her that she never had any 'real' children." (Because obviously all children who enter families through adoption are fake.) Or people who, when they first hear the word adoption, assume that you will be going to China. Or on foster parenting, “I could never do that; I’d get too attached.” (As if those of us willing to do it are unfeeling monsters, rather than people willing to put the child’s needs ahead of our own even though it will tear us up inside each time a child we’ve cared for is moved from our home.)
But to even IMAGINE the sorts of comments an expectant parent considering adoption for her or his baby must get. First off, the pregnancy obviously is not something easily kept private. Abortion is something most people would never know you did, unless you told them, and has less of a physical toll as well (perhaps even emotional, depending on the individual, because adoption is by no means an emotionless process for anyone). The stigma on single parents has largely gone away, or perhaps just transferred to those who place their babies for adoption.
I can’t imagine the weight of those comments on top of the already huge weight on such a woman! She’s already dealing with the emotions of probably disappointing her family and others close to her, the loss of the future she dreamed of, the loss of innocence, in some cases the loss of a boyfriend, and in many cases adolescence and young adulthood, and if she’s religious, she may feel like she is being punished for her “sins” far more visibly than are others who do the same things.
One common thread must be “Why Me?” Couples struggling with infertility feel “Why Me?” moments frequently. Why do people who are terrible, abusive, neglectful, and uncaring parents get to have child after child and ruin their lives with the abuse, but people who would make wonderful parents have trouble conceiving? Why do millions of other young people have sex without getting pregnant, but when I do it ruins the rest of my life?
Some people liken a birthmother backing out of an adoption as similar to a miscarriage. I won’t pretend to understand the emotional toll either of those things would have on any woman as i haven't been through either, and my heart aches for those who have. And I’m sure that, should we have a failed adoption match, it will be utterly devastating, and the financial loss will only further embitter. But I will try to remember that she made this decision out of love for her baby, the same baby that I will have fallen in love with through the course of the match (and before), and to understand some of her emotions going into that. I will pray that it’s the best decision for that baby I love, and that God will have another plan, another baby, for us. (Remember I said I would try…)
So I’ve decided that, among the usual questions for agencies that we’re trying to form right now before the adoption conference we go to in a few weeks, I’m going to try to place myself in the shoes of an expectant mom. What sorts of things would I be looking for in an agency, if I were in her shoes. Counseling, support, non-coerciveness. What else? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to seek that agency out in the next several months, before Alan and I can make our final decisions.
Please, if you’re a religious person, say a little prayer for the men and women going through the most difficult time in their lives, and that throughout their decision making process and beyond, they find peace throughout their lives.
We as people going through infertility, and just as humans in general, often deal with frustrating comments from people who most likely just aren’t thinking. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” “Why would you want to lose all your free time anyway?” Or people who don’t know of our infertility problems saying insensitive things like, “What are you waiting for?” “You’re not getting any younger.” On the institution of adoption, “You don’t know where those children are coming from.” "My sister adopted and I always felt sorry for her that she never had any 'real' children." (Because obviously all children who enter families through adoption are fake.) Or people who, when they first hear the word adoption, assume that you will be going to China. Or on foster parenting, “I could never do that; I’d get too attached.” (As if those of us willing to do it are unfeeling monsters, rather than people willing to put the child’s needs ahead of our own even though it will tear us up inside each time a child we’ve cared for is moved from our home.)
But to even IMAGINE the sorts of comments an expectant parent considering adoption for her or his baby must get. First off, the pregnancy obviously is not something easily kept private. Abortion is something most people would never know you did, unless you told them, and has less of a physical toll as well (perhaps even emotional, depending on the individual, because adoption is by no means an emotionless process for anyone). The stigma on single parents has largely gone away, or perhaps just transferred to those who place their babies for adoption.
I can’t imagine the weight of those comments on top of the already huge weight on such a woman! She’s already dealing with the emotions of probably disappointing her family and others close to her, the loss of the future she dreamed of, the loss of innocence, in some cases the loss of a boyfriend, and in many cases adolescence and young adulthood, and if she’s religious, she may feel like she is being punished for her “sins” far more visibly than are others who do the same things.
One common thread must be “Why Me?” Couples struggling with infertility feel “Why Me?” moments frequently. Why do people who are terrible, abusive, neglectful, and uncaring parents get to have child after child and ruin their lives with the abuse, but people who would make wonderful parents have trouble conceiving? Why do millions of other young people have sex without getting pregnant, but when I do it ruins the rest of my life?
Some people liken a birthmother backing out of an adoption as similar to a miscarriage. I won’t pretend to understand the emotional toll either of those things would have on any woman as i haven't been through either, and my heart aches for those who have. And I’m sure that, should we have a failed adoption match, it will be utterly devastating, and the financial loss will only further embitter. But I will try to remember that she made this decision out of love for her baby, the same baby that I will have fallen in love with through the course of the match (and before), and to understand some of her emotions going into that. I will pray that it’s the best decision for that baby I love, and that God will have another plan, another baby, for us. (Remember I said I would try…)
So I’ve decided that, among the usual questions for agencies that we’re trying to form right now before the adoption conference we go to in a few weeks, I’m going to try to place myself in the shoes of an expectant mom. What sorts of things would I be looking for in an agency, if I were in her shoes. Counseling, support, non-coerciveness. What else? I don’t know yet, but I’m going to seek that agency out in the next several months, before Alan and I can make our final decisions.
Please, if you’re a religious person, say a little prayer for the men and women going through the most difficult time in their lives, and that throughout their decision making process and beyond, they find peace throughout their lives.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Reflecting on Two Roads
It is a time for reflection for me. Four years ago today, Alan and I were both stuck in deep ruts. I was separating from my ex-husband, going to counseling, grieving the death of my mother, and generally wishing I were dead as I had nothing to live for. Alan was also stuck in a dead-end relationship with a woman who is very likely a lesbian.
It was this day, Groundhog Day four years ago, when Alan found my email address on the interwebs and first reached out to me. His first email was entitled “Ghost of Knoxville Past” (Knoxville, TN is where we first met at 5 years old and became best friends until my family moved away at age 9), and if first impressions were everything, I would have assumed he was the biggest dork in history lol. Thankfully, his dorkdom is at a tolerable level as, hopefully, is my nerdiness (the subject of my response email was “Holy Crapoly!”)
From that letter we became best friends again, and soon I was traveling 2 roads at once, counseling and potential reconciliation with my ex and getting to know Alan again, becoming best friends, and falling in love.
I’ve found myself on 2 roads almost since I’ve known Alan again. Since that time, I was on 2 roads as far as possible career paths. We’ve been on 2 roads together, both trying-to-conceive and trying to become foster/adoptive parents. And we are now on 2 roads together again, still wanting to become foster/adoptive parents but also saving to adopt domestically.
I won’t lie to you; it’s a strange thing traveling two roads at once. I wish I were wording this better, as that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, but I’m just not that good at it most of the time. My emotions feel pulled in 2 directions all the time. Sometimes I feel fickle, like I’m not following through on a promise.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I will be 100% committed to any child who comes into our home. I already am committed to that child. I’m just not sure the best path to get there. I pray on it, and I’m sure the correct road will come clear soon. I like our plan to save money toward adoption so that all of our options are open, and I hope that when the time comes, we can move forward into parenthood swiftly and with purpose.
Thanks for reading all that; sorry it wasn’t better.
It was this day, Groundhog Day four years ago, when Alan found my email address on the interwebs and first reached out to me. His first email was entitled “Ghost of Knoxville Past” (Knoxville, TN is where we first met at 5 years old and became best friends until my family moved away at age 9), and if first impressions were everything, I would have assumed he was the biggest dork in history lol. Thankfully, his dorkdom is at a tolerable level as, hopefully, is my nerdiness (the subject of my response email was “Holy Crapoly!”)
From that letter we became best friends again, and soon I was traveling 2 roads at once, counseling and potential reconciliation with my ex and getting to know Alan again, becoming best friends, and falling in love.
I’ve found myself on 2 roads almost since I’ve known Alan again. Since that time, I was on 2 roads as far as possible career paths. We’ve been on 2 roads together, both trying-to-conceive and trying to become foster/adoptive parents. And we are now on 2 roads together again, still wanting to become foster/adoptive parents but also saving to adopt domestically.
I won’t lie to you; it’s a strange thing traveling two roads at once. I wish I were wording this better, as that’s what this blog is supposed to be about, but I’m just not that good at it most of the time. My emotions feel pulled in 2 directions all the time. Sometimes I feel fickle, like I’m not following through on a promise.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I will be 100% committed to any child who comes into our home. I already am committed to that child. I’m just not sure the best path to get there. I pray on it, and I’m sure the correct road will come clear soon. I like our plan to save money toward adoption so that all of our options are open, and I hope that when the time comes, we can move forward into parenthood swiftly and with purpose.
Thanks for reading all that; sorry it wasn’t better.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Getting Organized
Have i mentioned lately that i married the World's Only Perfect Man? It's true! He spent about an hour with me last night helping me organize my bead obsession. i had the beads arranged in little sandwich baggies in a 3-drawer unit thing (which, sadly, sits on the kitchen table at all times these days lol), and that unit was getting pretty crowded with plastic baggies. Plus some of them were a hodge-podge of different colors and things.
When we were at the bead store yesterday (he's so perfect he even does that with me!), we saw a little organizer that comes with tubes. A lot of the smaller beads are sold in little tubes, so that's handy. i considered buying it and then remembered i had these push-up tubes for (of all things) foot balm left over from my soap-making days. So i got those out and we got to organizing.
The final result?
The top drawer has the colored beads (you're only seeing about half), the middle drawer has black, white, and gray beads, and the bottom drawer has silver beads, clasps, spacers, pendants, and other finishing-off items like the pliers, as welll as some ribbon. Aaah! My soul can relax a bit from its over-crowded state. BUT if i buy any new beads, i'm screwed lol. It'll be time for another 3 drawers.
When we were at the bead store yesterday (he's so perfect he even does that with me!), we saw a little organizer that comes with tubes. A lot of the smaller beads are sold in little tubes, so that's handy. i considered buying it and then remembered i had these push-up tubes for (of all things) foot balm left over from my soap-making days. So i got those out and we got to organizing.
The final result?
The top drawer has the colored beads (you're only seeing about half), the middle drawer has black, white, and gray beads, and the bottom drawer has silver beads, clasps, spacers, pendants, and other finishing-off items like the pliers, as welll as some ribbon. Aaah! My soul can relax a bit from its over-crowded state. BUT if i buy any new beads, i'm screwed lol. It'll be time for another 3 drawers.
On the plus side, i listed 2 new items this weekend that some online friends showed interest in, i shipped off my first sold diaper bag (a gender neutral one if you want to check out my Sold section), and i have a lot of ideas. It's amazing how much free time you have when you don't have to babysit. Unfortunately, free time =/= money.
The saddest thing, though, is that i somehow broke something very intricate that i was kind of proud of. It was supposed to be a choker necklace that had an extra section danglingg. It took a LOT of work, but when i was at the VERY end fnishing it off, the stinking thing broke. Which means i have to start over from scratch! The only thing that can be saved is the 1" or so that the key pendant dangles from. This is very goth, but i thought it was pretty punk rock and would look good at a craft show if we decide to do one this summer (part of that will depend on whether we have a placement or not by then). Here's a funeral picture:
You can see at the VERY right, there's no clasp. Bah! But i've decided it would look better with 2 strands on the right and left sections, so when i redo it (probably not right away, those teeny tiny beads hurt my arthritis), i'll make that happen.
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