A vent post

Trust me, i feel guilt over the fact that it's been less than a week and i should still be posting happy posts about the adoption and our family, etc etc, but the truth is, today i just can't. Today is just one of those super sucky days where i feel like the worst parent in the world and the fact that i'm posting this instead of something happy makes me feel that much worse. But i desperately need to vent.

i've had a headache for over 2 weeks straight. Some days it's full-on migraine, and some days it's not quite as bad. For 2 days it's been pretty bad. It was also 80 degrees (literally) at my desk at work today, which does not help a headache. And luckily i wasn't too busy but i wasn't busy enough. Char was up 5 times last night, so i fear that she's about to start teething again. The last bout was hell.

i go to pick her up, and the teacher tells me that she was absolutely rotten today. She bit a teacher, pulled 2 little kids' hair, including pulling out a big chunk of one kid's hair while they were sleeping!!!, and was messing with everyone's snack. In short, rotten. And she spent some time in time out during lunch and only napped 30 minutes and didn't eat super well. So i feel like a crappy parent for sure.

So we leave and of course she falls asleep about 1/2 a block from home. So i went home and ran in to let the dogs out and grab my computer. i HATE it when she falls asleep in the car because it messes with my schedule, and when my schedule is messed with is when my autism shows :(. i get prone to meltdowns, so i started to hear my shark music already. Duh-nuh, duh-nuh, duh-nuh duh-nuh. Sigh. Then i get my computer started up to find that the battery is dead. Duh-nuh duh-nuh. Shoot me. i went and got gas and she woke up while i was pumping, so about 25 minutes total.

So i took her upstairs with a bottle and rocked her back to "sleep". Only of course as soon as i put her down in her crib, her head pops up and she opens her little beady eyes. i gently laid her down and patted her back 4 times. The fifth time she started to look like a whack-a-mole game, so i left and let her talk to herself in her crib for 10 minutes. When she didn't wake up but rather started heavy fussing, i went and got her. Oh, and did i mention i cried? A lot.

So, we cuddled on the couch a while. Well, honestly my heart wasn't in it. It just wasn't. But "fake it til you make it", right? i tried anyway. i admit i put a "Dora the Explorer" DVD in, which is the first time she's seen a cartoon, and it interested her for exactly 90 seconds. Sigh.

We made it through dinner and after dinner to bedtime, but with a lot of crying. From both of us. i hate feeling like a failure and i hate feeling like a bad mom. It's all i've ever wanted to be and i'm not very good at it. And what's really getting to me today is that i/we have absolutely no support system. My mom is dead, the last time i asked my dad for help (to just let me stay in one of his spare rooms for the afternoon when i had a very high fever and the a/c was being replaced that day) he said no, my MIL lives 100 miles away (and more importantly is married to someone who has NO problem criticizing everything i do as a parent), and i don't feel like we can call the few friends we have for help with day to day stuff. They all have family in the area who watch their kids, but we don't. And with them having their own kids, i don't know. i just don't know. i just know i really miss my mommy and i feel like i'm letting her down every single day of my life as a parent and that sucks so bad!

Oh, and MIL/sFIL are coming on Sunday to tell me how sucky i am. It should be a blessing to have them visit Charlotte but it's always overshadowed by all the criticism. And i just don't know how to address it. It's always small things that seem silly to make a huge fuss about. (And yet HE does, i just don't feel like i should.) Example: Char has a little wagon that she used to push around when learning to walk, and we still take her for rides on it. She knows how to hold the edges and sometimes she zooms fairly quickly, but sFIL saw us pushing her not even near top speed and kept saying, "Not so fast! She'll put her foot down and get it caught under the wagon and break her leg!" We said, "No, she's had this for months and she knows how to ride it. She's fine." Ten seconds later he was saying, "Guys, slow down. She's going to break her foot!" Seriously, every time. Short of literally telling him to STFU, i don't know how to get him to STFU!

i actually feel a bit better having gotten that off my chest. i know you're thinking we need to get out more, but seriously we don't have any support. i know it's true as i realized the other day that we haven't been on a date since Christmas!!!! But we don't have a sitter, and i don't know if i want to hire a stranger. This Saturday we're going to use the YMCA's night out service (it's monthly i think, which should be enough), so that's good. And this past Saturday i got a therapeutic massage and that was really nice, but then i feel guilty for leaving Char with Alan all alone when he wasn't feeling great (and it was compounded by me taking a nap after the massage, so the guilt was doubled). But that's not even the big thing. The big thing is days like this. i don't even have anyone "in real life" to talk over the hair pulling/biting/etc issue that happened at school today. If i did call someone i would seriously think they would make me feel worse. That's usually what happens when i talk to my sister anyway. That's about the only person i have. (And she, too, is 100 miles away). i already know my brother would say it's because i don't spank. My dad would say "i don't know anything about that." And that's all i have.

By the way, this brings up a good question. What should i do with this blog? It was a foster/adopt blog with some parenting stuff thrown in. Aside from rants and rambles like today, i really don't think i can mommy blog. And no way would anyone want to read this repetitively! Eek! i'm open to suggestions, as long as you don't call me a sucky mom.