Kind of Excited - and a vent

i think i've posted a couple of times that Charlotte has started at a little Montessori school in our area. Right now they are ages 12 months through 6 years (the last year is Kindergarten and is state-licensed, etc). Montessori uses typically 3-year cycles. There are currently 2 age groups: 12-36 months and 3 years through Kindergarten. This year they have purchased a new building (which is actually RIGHT by our house, probably less than a mile walking distance although there's a very steep, curvy hill and it's probably not the safest walk for a young one) and will be expanding. The current building will open an infants classroom, and the new building will open a transitional classroom for kids between 2-3 years or so who need a little more stimulation than they're getting in the toddlers class but aren't quite ready for the preschool/Kindergarten class, and also the preschool/kindergarten class. NEXT fall 2011 they are starting a grades 1-3 classroom also.

The new building is an old daycare facility that's changed hands at least twice since we've lived here (4 years). It needs a lot of work, and they've asked for parent volunteers. We've been so busy the last 2 weekends that we couldn't really help out, but we will this weekend. But more importantly (to me lol), the director has asked for volunteers to help design the playground equipment at both buildings. Something you probably don't know about me: What i REALLY want to be when i grow up is a playground designer! In college i did my senior engineering project on playground design. It was so much fun! So i certainly volunteered, and i spoke with the director this evening when picking Char up, and she was excited, too. Her vision is as natural a play setting as possible, and i think i'm up for the challenge. i've already jotted down 2 pages of typed, bullet-point notes of elements of playgrounds and thoughts on how to achieve this in a natural setting. i'm pretty excited about it!

So i've had time to digest my little meltdown last week. i try not to blog much about work, but the truth is that's where the majority of my angst is coming from at the moment. Don't get me wrong; in this economy i am THRILLED to have a job and a steady paycheck. And the money is pretty good, so no complaints there. The problems, though, are pretty numerous:

1) i don't utilize my brain or my talents - most days i don't have enough to do, and even when i do it's not much of a challenge.

2) There's no opportunity for growth - don't misunderstand number 1. There's a TON i could learn and grow and improve, and the experience could really benefit the company i work for. Unfortunately, i'm not included in any potential for growth or experience. i'm not invited (despite asking numerous times) to meetings where i could learn about different elements of the company. i've asked to cross-train and repeatedly been denied. My title is "Analyst" but i am not asked, or even allowed, to analyze anything. i just collect data and hand it to my boss, who "analyzes" it (or more often does nothing with it).

3) i'm not appreciated - my boss has said "good job" or the equivalent twice in 2 and a half years. i get the distinct impression from his boss that no one has any idea what i'm capable of, or for one reason or another they don't care. (i hate to call sexism but from what i'm seeing, it fits). i got what i consider a crappy performance review after my first year there, and i was told the reason was that i didn't have the experience to really do better. Okay, i can live with that. But this year, i got the same exact performance review. i was told it was because they didn't expect to give raises this year and "management" in my department had decided to keep everyone's review from the previous year. i'm sorry, but i REALLY have a problem with that. i think it's wrong on a number of levels, not the least of which is that they are holding me back from a promotion potentially by making me look like a crappy employee when i'm really not. Or, i shouldn't be, but try as i might, i can't get ahead.

i've applied out four times since April 1. Three of the four i should have a pretty good shot at (of course there's always a chance they have someone in mind for it and posting it is just a formality in their minds, but surely not 3/4 of them). The fourth is an engineering job but frankly i don't have the right kind of experience for that job. i have not even gotten an interview for any of these jobs! i don't know what's wrong with me, my resume, whatever, but it's really starting to hurt my confidence, especially when coupled with the rest of my work woes. Two of the jobs are essentially what i do now, just for other departments. Why the heck can't i even get an interview for the equivalent of the job i have now??? Aaaaah!

4) And last but not least, there's the fact that, at least on some level, i've received 2 demotions this year. First there was the "employee stratification" or some BS term. Different departments had different tier structures (some paygrades were letters, some numbers, some a combination, etc, with different titles to go with it). They decided to level out the different groups and make them all equal. In doing so, they "flattened" the titles, and i have been lumped into a category lower. Then one of my two coworkers in my little department was moved out (which was a blessing in many ways because she's absolutely nuts and impossible to work with), but in doing so, i was given her job. Which is much more menial. In many people's eyes, i've lost credibility by taking on lesser tasks and i HATE IT!

And on a related note, because i have only one other coworker in my basic department, it's a race as far as she and i are concerned to get out of the department. Her job is a step up from mine, but i don't want her job. It's not really any more challenging than mine, and i know i would be "stuck" doing my menial job and hers as well. And while i have a job i applied for a few weeks ago out there (and since i haven't been called for an interview, i've just about lost hope), she's applying for one today (her second since April; the first she got but our boss "blocked" her; this one she cannot be blocked because it's a promotion, though i guess she has less chance of actually getting it). i want her to succeed, but i am really scared what happens if she leaves.

One possibility is i would be offered (or encouraged to apply for) her job, which would technically be a promotion but because i'm near the top of my pay grade, would not result in more money most likely and i would be "stuck" in the job for at least 12 months, but more likely 2 years as most people wait 2 years before applying for other positions. So i would be faced with taking the job i don't want and getting stuck, or explaining why i don't want it and being faced with the question of who would take her job, and would i really have her job elements without her title/pay grade? OR another possibility is they never encourage me to apply for her job (or i apply and they give it to someone else) and dealing with the fallout of knowing for sure that my boss/his boss/HIS boss truly don't have any confidence in me, as i suspect. And in my gneeral area i don't know anyone who can actually do the job. i know someone who WANTS her job, but i am positive he couldn't do it, at least not out of the gate. So likely even if i didn't accept the job or if it weren't offered to me, i would end up doing the job at least in the interim and actually probably training someone else to do it. Sounds like fun to me!

i could leave the company and look for a job with another company. And i give it a cursory look every so often. But i don't know if i really want to leave the company, and its relative job security, in the current economy. And i would feel at least a little guilty taking a job from someone who doesn't have one right now.

And here's how i will tie the above vent into the Montessori conversation in the beginning of this enormous blog post: i freely admit that i am a "praise junkie". It really bothers me, way more than it should, that my boss doesn't give me any praise or positive feedback. i KNOW i'm smart, and i KNOW that (at least when given the opportunity) i work hard, and i do a good job. i KNOW this. But when it isn't acknowledged by others, it hurts. Especially after years of it. And THIS is why i love Montessori. Montessori is all about instilling intrinsic value of learning and of work, rather than kids relying on extrinsic rewards like praise, treats, grades, etc. i don't want to raise a child whose self-worth, whose happiness even, boils down to whether her boss (or her mommy) approves of her actions. i want her to do things she loves because she loves them, not because someone said, "Good job, Charlotte!" i want her to look at her own opinions of herself and her work as being at least as important, preferably more important, than what authority figures, even i, think of her.

i can only hope that i succeed at least a little bit.