i hate today

Yeah, yeah, it's the day before Thanksgiving and, as a "friend" said, i should just STFU and be grateful for what i have. But this day sucks sucks sucks.

First (and minorly) they told us on Monday that we would be leaving around 1 or 2 today. We left at 3:45 (our usual end time is 4:15). i thought i'd have time to do the grocery shopping so i didn't make Alan go, so i was really rushed leaving work to pick D up.

She didn't eat too well at daycare today. So... added pressure. Yippee. And of course, as always, she wouldn't eat for me. i don't know what the deal is, but it's so beyond discouraging. To the point where i was reduced to a sobbing mess by 6:30. Vented to the above "friend" and that just made me feel so good.

Got home from work to find one of my dogs had peed on the corner of his elevated dog bed. For the second time in 2 weeks. He was a rescue and was super hard to house train, but he has been reliable for probably 2 solid years. i don't know what's doing it now. He's getting as much, if not more, attention now than he was pre-D.

So, after i got D to bed, but before i made tomorrow's bottles or the pumpkin pie or homemade rolls for tomorrow that i should really be making tonight (AT LEAST one of them), i set about cleaning said dog piss. It didn't seem to be coming up, and i discovered that the f*ing steam cleaner isn't working right. The brushes aren't spinning.

i am seriously beyond despondent right now. i just want to cry myself to sleep, but there's too much to do still and instead i'm here venting on this blog because at least i know the blog won't tell me to shut up. (And if you feel like leaving an ugly comment, i don't blame you, but just don't, okay? Not today.)

And for the record, i appreciate the hell out of what i have. It brings me to tears every single day. i am so incredibly lucky to have Alan and D and even the full-of-piss dogs. But i really wish i were better for them, especially D. She deserves the best and gets stuck with me. i can't even feed her. Everyone else can feed her but me. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i seem to be doing what they're doing, but she fights me. And babywearing worked for a few days but no longer. Now instead of fighting after 3 ounces and eating 1-2 more when worn, she fights after 1 ounce and eats 1-2 more when worn. And i'm scared about what happens on Friday. i mean, most days i only feed 2 bottles, and i know she gets enough to eat in her other bottles that it isn't the end of the world (even if it feels like it sometimes). But Friday i'll be feeding her all of her bottles except maybe 1. It will probably be okay, but it feels really scary and frustrating.

And i hate myself for showing my frustration in front of D. (No, i don't yell at her or anything, but i do cry, and i know she's starting to notice.) And i don't know how not to. And i wish i did because i could be such a better mom than i am. And yeah, i go through this every day. It sucks.