Long time no write

i'm so sorry it's been so long since i've updated. i've been feeling really low lately, from the endo pain which seems to be getting longer and longer in spells and from the feelings of depression that creep up on me. Even when the physical pain isn't in full force, there's that knowledge that i only have a few "free" days without it before it comes back. Honestly sometimes i think the dreading of it is worse than the actual pain, though it's not exactly a picnic in the park either. It's almost comforting to know there's some physical pain to compliment the hidden emotional pain i've been feeling.

But enough of that. i'm trying to be more positive. On Thursday i have my annual exam with my OB/GYN in which i will be able to discuss in more detail the upcoming IVF. She won't be performing it, of course, but she's had been through 2 IVF cycles personally (and has 2 beautiful kids!), and i think she knows the doctors pretty well and can hopefully recommend one who will work well with us. i don't want a repeat of the first meeting with an RE at that office, for sure! i also have some thoughts about some of the fertility clinic's "prerequisites" for IVF, namely the SPA (aka the "hamster egg test") and the anti-sperm antibody tests for both of us. These tests would normally be done as part of the initial infertility workup on patients, and we already know our fertiliy issues break down to 2 things: 1) my endometriosis and tubal issues, and 2) somewhat poor sperm on Alan's side. The first one = IVF and the second one = ICSI.

ICSI is "inter-cytoplasmic sperm injection", where they use a very very tiny pipette and suck one single good-looking sperm into it, and then inject it straight into the egg to fertilize the egg. They do this with all the eggs that are mature, or sometimes they do it with half the eggs if there are plenty, and then watch the embryos to see which turn out the best, and use those for the Embryo Transfer.

As it appears to me, if someone has a bad hamster egg test, or if they have anti-sperm antibodies, it could mean that couple needs to do ICSI. Okay, fine, but we already know we need ICSI. i don't want to pay another $1000-2000 in tests to tell us we need a $1500 procedure we already know we need (on top of the $12-15k procedure we are doing as well). KWIM? So i definitely want to ask the doctor about that.

OK, so one thing i've worked on during my pathetic blogging absence is things NOT to say to a woman. There are of course tons (like, "Yes, honey, that dress does make you look a little fat", as every man knows), but these are things i've learned through infertility. i hope you enjoy:

Infertility or fertility treatments:
When are you going to have kids?
You’re not getting any younger. You’d better get started?
Why don’t you “just adopt”? (As if the adoption process is like snapping your fingers.)
OMG are you crazy!?! You’re going to end up like that octomom!
I think the government ought to outlaw infertility treatments.
Be thankful! Kids are a lot of work!

Pregnancy:
When are you due? (Don’t ask unless you’re 100% sure she’s pregnant, and even then
I’m sure it gets old fast!)
Are you having twins?
It’s going to be a BIG baby!
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? (There’s no right answer here other than “All we want is
a healthy baby”, and it’s another one that gets old).

Miscarriage:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
That probably means there was a problem with the baby anyway.

Adoption:
It’s a shame you can’t have your own kids. (Any child someone adopts IS their own child!)
I don’t think I could raise someone else’s child. (See above).
What if her real mom wants her back in a few years?
How much did/will he cost?
Don’t you have to be rich to adopt?
Oh? You’re adopting? When do you go to China? (NOT everyone adopts from China, or
internationally for that matter!)
Why do you want to deal with someone else’s messes? (A child is NOT a mess!)
(horror) How could she just give up her own baby?!? Oh, I guess that's good for people like
you.

Transracial Adoption
Can I touch her hair?
What country is your husband from?
Are you the babysitter?
Did you HAVE him?

Foster/Adoption
(whisper) Was she a crack baby?
I couldn’t foster; I’d get to attached. (As if those who do are some kind of unfeeling
monsters!)
How can you give him back?


And on closing, i started a new book about the IF journey called "Having a Baby" by Cindy Margolis, who apparently is famous (i'm clueless about such things) and came out about her own fertility journey, eventually becoming spokesperson for RESOLVE (the national infertility support group). It's pretty good so far, it's more about her journey but it has a lot of info in it as well. i'm finding it to be very empowering, but maybe a little aggressive (i.e. she suggests that people who've been off birth control for "several months" to seek a fertility specialist, when most RE's won't see patients until they've been ttc unsuccessfully for a full year). But the empowerment and humor are things i can definitely use right now!