Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dear Kiddo,
When I first wrote you eleven (!) months ago, I had no idea that nearly a year would go by and I wouldn’t be noticeably any closer than I was back then. It’s a good thing, or I’m sure my first letters would have been filled with anger instead of so much hope and love. Because love you, I do! And hope for you, I do that, too!
Oh, sweet little one, when will you come home? How will you come home? Will you be a baby in our arms or a gangly pre-teen ready to swear at us? It doesn’t matter; we will still love you. Always and forever we will love you, and always and forever we will hope for you.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
SHYAM,
Mommy
Okay, folks, i'm having a bad day. This was the closest i could come to positive and upbeat. i'm in a lot of pain; it looks like the doctor's prediction of pain lasting about a week twice a month is proving to be true :(. i've had about 5 days of painlessness, and now i'm near ovulation and in pain again. i'm sitting at work with my heating pad in my lap trying to pretend like i'm just really cold to ward off the stares from coworkers, and reality is really sucking at the moment.
i think i didn't post about my freaky dream the other night, but you might get a laugh out of this. Honestly i have no idea how to interpret this. Please don't have me committed!
i dreamt that Alan and i decided to do IVF, and i went to the hospital for the embryo transfer, and we left the hospital with twin girls. Only one was about 3-4 months old, and the other was more like i'd only been pregnant 3 or 4 months. You know, very small (certainly bigger than actually 12-16 weeks gestation but probably only a pound or two still) and looked kind of like an alien dinosaur.
When we left the hospital, the twins were hungry so we had to stop at a restaurant on the way home to feed them. Yeah, i know. And the nurses had told us that since the tiny twin needed more nutrition, i was supposed to breastfeed her, and Alan was supposed to breastfeed the bigger girl who didn't need as much nutrition. i remember asking him to take off his jacket and put it over my HEAD while i breastfed. Yeah, i know.
So i kept trying to breastfeed "my" baby, and her head was impossible to support and lolled around. i kept having to check that she was still alive because she surely had broken her neck. Thankfully she was okay. When she did latch on, she could barely fit the very very end of my nipple in her mouth, and left a bloody circle around it. She would drink one drop and fall asleep and i'd keep having to wake her up, and struggle with supporting her head again.
Meanwhile Alan's twin finished her meal, sat up and said, "Yummy, Daddy! Thanks!"
Yeah, i'm sane.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Nothing new today
But i spent some time today admiring the kids at www.adoptuskids.org. There's one little boy i've been admiring for a few weeks who is still listed, and a new one popped up who looks just like a young Obama :). These kids are amazing and i hope we can bring one into our lives sooooon!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
If you can call this an update
County director (whom DH has been talking to) left a message last night with some updates.
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hmmm
i just reread my last post and it totally looks like i said i've been through death before. i promise i've never died, at least not that my surgeons shared with me ;). i have, however, grieved when OTHERS went through death. Just thought some folks might need clarification.
Alan and i went to the Inter-Agency Adoption Coalition Conference today (IAC or IAAC?). It was quite overwhelming actually. There were dozens of couples, and quite a few speeches. There was the opportunity to split up and go to different seminars, but most were kind of "International vs. Domestic" related (i.e. openness in adoption was held at the same time as international adoption 101), and since we know we don't want to go the international route, we didn't need to split up.
There was a speech on "special needs adoption", or supposedly, but really it was about adopting from foster care. The lady giving the speech recently quit from the Department of Children's Services specifically because she hated the beaurocrazy (not a typo), but she still gave the speech. Weird. This is really, really pathetic, but she had been the director of a nearby county's DCS office, and when she was ready to adopt, it took her EIGHTEEN MONTHS to get approved. And this was these people's freaking boss! We came away from that feeling particularly doomed.
At this point i just feel very overwhelmed and pretty helpless. i feel like i can't make any decisions without getting rocked to my core. i guess i need to feel more confidence before i can confidently move forward. And Alan's great, but sometimes i feel like we're never on the same page lately. That's not his fault, actually, i'm sure it's more mine. Mostly because i'm just so freaking confused!
Alan and i went to the Inter-Agency Adoption Coalition Conference today (IAC or IAAC?). It was quite overwhelming actually. There were dozens of couples, and quite a few speeches. There was the opportunity to split up and go to different seminars, but most were kind of "International vs. Domestic" related (i.e. openness in adoption was held at the same time as international adoption 101), and since we know we don't want to go the international route, we didn't need to split up.
There was a speech on "special needs adoption", or supposedly, but really it was about adopting from foster care. The lady giving the speech recently quit from the Department of Children's Services specifically because she hated the beaurocrazy (not a typo), but she still gave the speech. Weird. This is really, really pathetic, but she had been the director of a nearby county's DCS office, and when she was ready to adopt, it took her EIGHTEEN MONTHS to get approved. And this was these people's freaking boss! We came away from that feeling particularly doomed.
At this point i just feel very overwhelmed and pretty helpless. i feel like i can't make any decisions without getting rocked to my core. i guess i need to feel more confidence before i can confidently move forward. And Alan's great, but sometimes i feel like we're never on the same page lately. That's not his fault, actually, i'm sure it's more mine. Mostly because i'm just so freaking confused!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Latest
The regional director of DCS called Alan today and said she had talked to our caseworker who had nice things to say about us. She'd "located" our file (my bet is it was still on our caseworker's desk -- sigh), and our caseworker said it was just lacking the one signature. Because it has been so long, she is going to personally review our case file over the weekend, and if there is nothing else missing and no other questions, she'll sign it personally and get us in the system as official licensed foster parents on Monday! Yay!
Meanwhile we have our adoption conference tomorrow, which should be interesting. But honestly it's hard to even be excited considering all the latest developments. Alan and i talked about the ethical implications of IVF today and what our limits would be, etc, and the research on that front continues.
Somebody hand me some duct tape so i can wrap it around and around my head, to keep the brains in when my head explodes! Of course, this is a good thing, but it's about the heaviest stuff i've ever been through i think, including death and surgeries and major medical diagnoses, divorce, and when they canceled "Freaks and Geeks."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
My husband kicks ass
It's been 3 weeks since we heard anything from the state on our foster/adoption application. We've emailed and called a few times, with no response. Alan's last email specifically asked for the name of someone who would return our emails lol.
So he took it on himself to write a professional but rather scathing email to the DIRECTOR of the state's social services department and a number of other people. Within 7 minutes he had his first email response (telling him it had been assigned to someone), and within 45 minutes he had another email response and a phone call! Holy crapoly!
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Alan _____. In the spring of 2008, my wife Sarah and I madethe decision to become foster parents. We enrolled in the state's PATH(Parents as Tender Healers) classes, finishing up Labor Day weekend. Bythe middle of September, social workers had completed their home visitsand interviews with Sarah and I, friends and family sent in letters of reference, and we submitted fingerprints for criminal background checks.Our social worker commended us on our organization and timeliness andpromised to get started on our approval right away. At this point thegreatest concern Sarah and I had was whether our first foster childwould like dogs.
In the following months our hopes began to cloud. Our case worker,never easy to get in touch with, informed us our class homework had beenshredded, and if we could do it again. Fortunately, we'd made copies which we provided. Weeks continued going by without a word. Sarah and I began a practice of contacting our worker and supervisor on a weekly basis, taking an approach of "showing interest, not insistence," hoping we could propel the process, while giving the agents time to do their jobs. Numerous times, our case worker insisted our study was on a supervisor's desk, or pending approval. The wait became so long thatwe were forced to re-submit car insurance forms, which had expired, re-submit background check approval forms, which were shredded, told the wrong background check had been requested by the state, that the department's audit was detracting from our progress, that the efforts to become accredited had led to new processes and new mistakes, and now, nothing.
We were hopeful a child would join us perhaps by Halloween, probably Thanksgiving and definitely Christmas 2008. Now on February 19th, we are convinced that, despite clean background checks, and a positive homestudy, we will never be approved. We've asked the three DCS employees who have ever corresponded with us if they can find us someone who can return a call or e-mail. That request has not been answered. We appreciate your time, and any effort you can provide to help.
Alan and Sarah _______
So he took it on himself to write a professional but rather scathing email to the DIRECTOR of the state's social services department and a number of other people. Within 7 minutes he had his first email response (telling him it had been assigned to someone), and within 45 minutes he had another email response and a phone call! Holy crapoly!
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Alan _____. In the spring of 2008, my wife Sarah and I madethe decision to become foster parents. We enrolled in the state's PATH(Parents as Tender Healers) classes, finishing up Labor Day weekend. Bythe middle of September, social workers had completed their home visitsand interviews with Sarah and I, friends and family sent in letters of reference, and we submitted fingerprints for criminal background checks.Our social worker commended us on our organization and timeliness andpromised to get started on our approval right away. At this point thegreatest concern Sarah and I had was whether our first foster childwould like dogs.
In the following months our hopes began to cloud. Our case worker,never easy to get in touch with, informed us our class homework had beenshredded, and if we could do it again. Fortunately, we'd made copies which we provided. Weeks continued going by without a word. Sarah and I began a practice of contacting our worker and supervisor on a weekly basis, taking an approach of "showing interest, not insistence," hoping we could propel the process, while giving the agents time to do their jobs. Numerous times, our case worker insisted our study was on a supervisor's desk, or pending approval. The wait became so long thatwe were forced to re-submit car insurance forms, which had expired, re-submit background check approval forms, which were shredded, told the wrong background check had been requested by the state, that the department's audit was detracting from our progress, that the efforts to become accredited had led to new processes and new mistakes, and now, nothing.
We were hopeful a child would join us perhaps by Halloween, probably Thanksgiving and definitely Christmas 2008. Now on February 19th, we are convinced that, despite clean background checks, and a positive homestudy, we will never be approved. We've asked the three DCS employees who have ever corresponded with us if they can find us someone who can return a call or e-mail. That request has not been answered. We appreciate your time, and any effort you can provide to help.
Alan and Sarah _______
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
No cyst
No cyst. On the surface, that sounds good, but really it just indicates that the endo is so bad now that I’m likely to have pain both mid-cycle and during my period most cycles for the rest of my life. Because the endo is so severe, it has adhered my left ovary to my uterus, and my ute to my bowel, which means that another laparoscopic surgery is not likely to be successful. Most likely it actually bowel pain I am feeling. So my options are: 1) Go on hormonal birth control, which will prevent ovulation and only allow the endo to spread a little bit at a time instead of a lot. I’m past the idea of being pregnant, so this is okay, except I hate the side effects. 2) Have a laparotomy (cut open surgery) to remove the endo around my bowel, but there’s significant risks. 3) Have a hysterectomy, but again because it’s so bad, it couldn’t be done laparoscopically and would be the same as 2, just taking everything but my right ovary.
I didn’t know that about the hysterectomy being an open surgery for me. This scares me shitless because my mom’s best friend had some surgery in the 80’s (not sure which one) that punctured her bowel and it was really awful. Many dozens of surgeries, many lawyers and lawsuits and settlements and awards, even a cheating husband, divorce, and financial ruin, and a colostomy later, she passed away after 20-odd years of severe pain. Not my idea of a Sunday at the park. This sucks. Furthermore, she said that hysterectomies are always optional, but that she’s certain at some point I will elect to have one because the pain will be too unbearable. The only thing that *might* change that is if I get pregnant, because the slow expansion of my uterus would stretch out all the scar tissue and endo and possibly free some of the adhesions. If I were to get pregnant (and carry the baby/s to term), I would have at least a chance of avoiding open surgery. Which is really freaking appealing to me.
The problem: Obviously I can’t get pregnant with my insides being the way they are. So, I could have in vitro fertilization, which I’ve pretty much fought against since it was first mentioned a year ago (by a different doctor). I haven’t even explored how I feel about the ethical implications yet, but that will have to be done. Also, some people I’ve talked to who’ve had it did not enjoy the process one bit. The drugs make you nuts. And I have been told I have an increased risk of miscarriage because of my autoimmune issues (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis as well as a lupus-like illness called Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, which is currently in remission – yay). So, to spend our life savings to put all our eggs in one basket, and then have a higher risk of dropping the basket, well…
So, here’s what we decided at the moment. I know there are some blood tests and titers that can determine if I carry the particular autoimmune antibodies that increase risk of miscarriage, so I had the doctor pull literally 12 vials of blood on me today to run those. If that comes back normal, meaning I have an average chance of conception through IVF and an average chance of carrying to term, we will open the door back up for DISCUSSING in vitro as a viable option. Which kind of sucks because I was *all* excited about adoption and this would put that on hold, at least for now. But, man, to have less pain and less risk of open surgery and reliving my mom’s best friend’s nightmare, and of course a child or maybe twins to boot…
I didn’t know that about the hysterectomy being an open surgery for me. This scares me shitless because my mom’s best friend had some surgery in the 80’s (not sure which one) that punctured her bowel and it was really awful. Many dozens of surgeries, many lawyers and lawsuits and settlements and awards, even a cheating husband, divorce, and financial ruin, and a colostomy later, she passed away after 20-odd years of severe pain. Not my idea of a Sunday at the park. This sucks. Furthermore, she said that hysterectomies are always optional, but that she’s certain at some point I will elect to have one because the pain will be too unbearable. The only thing that *might* change that is if I get pregnant, because the slow expansion of my uterus would stretch out all the scar tissue and endo and possibly free some of the adhesions. If I were to get pregnant (and carry the baby/s to term), I would have at least a chance of avoiding open surgery. Which is really freaking appealing to me.
The problem: Obviously I can’t get pregnant with my insides being the way they are. So, I could have in vitro fertilization, which I’ve pretty much fought against since it was first mentioned a year ago (by a different doctor). I haven’t even explored how I feel about the ethical implications yet, but that will have to be done. Also, some people I’ve talked to who’ve had it did not enjoy the process one bit. The drugs make you nuts. And I have been told I have an increased risk of miscarriage because of my autoimmune issues (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis as well as a lupus-like illness called Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, which is currently in remission – yay). So, to spend our life savings to put all our eggs in one basket, and then have a higher risk of dropping the basket, well…
So, here’s what we decided at the moment. I know there are some blood tests and titers that can determine if I carry the particular autoimmune antibodies that increase risk of miscarriage, so I had the doctor pull literally 12 vials of blood on me today to run those. If that comes back normal, meaning I have an average chance of conception through IVF and an average chance of carrying to term, we will open the door back up for DISCUSSING in vitro as a viable option. Which kind of sucks because I was *all* excited about adoption and this would put that on hold, at least for now. But, man, to have less pain and less risk of open surgery and reliving my mom’s best friend’s nightmare, and of course a child or maybe twins to boot…
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