i hate today

Yeah, yeah, it's the day before Thanksgiving and, as a "friend" said, i should just STFU and be grateful for what i have. But this day sucks sucks sucks.

First (and minorly) they told us on Monday that we would be leaving around 1 or 2 today. We left at 3:45 (our usual end time is 4:15). i thought i'd have time to do the grocery shopping so i didn't make Alan go, so i was really rushed leaving work to pick D up.

She didn't eat too well at daycare today. So... added pressure. Yippee. And of course, as always, she wouldn't eat for me. i don't know what the deal is, but it's so beyond discouraging. To the point where i was reduced to a sobbing mess by 6:30. Vented to the above "friend" and that just made me feel so good.

Got home from work to find one of my dogs had peed on the corner of his elevated dog bed. For the second time in 2 weeks. He was a rescue and was super hard to house train, but he has been reliable for probably 2 solid years. i don't know what's doing it now. He's getting as much, if not more, attention now than he was pre-D.

So, after i got D to bed, but before i made tomorrow's bottles or the pumpkin pie or homemade rolls for tomorrow that i should really be making tonight (AT LEAST one of them), i set about cleaning said dog piss. It didn't seem to be coming up, and i discovered that the f*ing steam cleaner isn't working right. The brushes aren't spinning.

i am seriously beyond despondent right now. i just want to cry myself to sleep, but there's too much to do still and instead i'm here venting on this blog because at least i know the blog won't tell me to shut up. (And if you feel like leaving an ugly comment, i don't blame you, but just don't, okay? Not today.)

And for the record, i appreciate the hell out of what i have. It brings me to tears every single day. i am so incredibly lucky to have Alan and D and even the full-of-piss dogs. But i really wish i were better for them, especially D. She deserves the best and gets stuck with me. i can't even feed her. Everyone else can feed her but me. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i seem to be doing what they're doing, but she fights me. And babywearing worked for a few days but no longer. Now instead of fighting after 3 ounces and eating 1-2 more when worn, she fights after 1 ounce and eats 1-2 more when worn. And i'm scared about what happens on Friday. i mean, most days i only feed 2 bottles, and i know she gets enough to eat in her other bottles that it isn't the end of the world (even if it feels like it sometimes). But Friday i'll be feeding her all of her bottles except maybe 1. It will probably be okay, but it feels really scary and frustrating.

And i hate myself for showing my frustration in front of D. (No, i don't yell at her or anything, but i do cry, and i know she's starting to notice.) And i don't know how not to. And i wish i did because i could be such a better mom than i am. And yeah, i go through this every day. It sucks.

The moments

And then there are the moments where you're holding your overtired fussy girl in your lap and you squeeze her a little too tightly and she laughs out loud, and you kiss her cheeks a bunch and she laughs like crazy and you know you're not doing too badly and you've got the sweetest baby in the world right there in your arms. And she LIKES it when you squeeze too hard and kiss too much. i mean, how lucky can one mom get?

Both amazed and discouraged

Amazed: D has decided that now is a good time to start pulling up. Actually, she decided that last night in the bathtub. Um... not so mcuh. So tonight i decided to encourage her with an overturned laundry basket. i don't think she gets the concept, or maybe she can't grip well, so i helped her the first time. And then she was leaning on it so much that it moved a couple of inches. AND THEN she took a step toward it! i've spent the last few minutes working with her on repeating it. She is something else! (But is now more apprehensive about the step and does more of a shuffle). Once she figures out how to pull herself up on furniture, this girl will definitely be cruising soon!

Discouraged: Feeding. i still suck at it. Tonight she fought after 1.5 oz. So i popped her in the Beco and went for a walk, which the last few nights has worked like a charm. Nope, not so much tonight. Sigh. i could only get her to eat 3.5 oz total. Hopefully that's because of the solids she ate plenty of and not because i suck, but i fear that i do suck. Feeling very "bad mommy" tonight.

The feeding therapist called yesterday and talked to Alan, who told her it was going moderately well but she needed to talk to me. i told her i can't get her to eat. That i feed her 2 bottles a day every day, but on weekends it's mornings instead of evenings so it's not just time of day, and she basically said she had no help for me. The only thing she said is maybe she's looking for comfort when i hold her. i told her that i hold D all the time. When i'm not holding her, i spend a lot of time on the floor with her playing with her, rubbing her back, encouraging her, etc. Right now she's in my lap while i type this. Well, okay, RIGHT NOW she's on my shoulders lol. But the point is i don't think she's starved for comfort. Basically she just said, "i'm sorry you're having problems. i'm going to send this paperwork off to your doctor now. Goodbye."

i feel like a total failure as a mom sometimes, and tonight is definitely one of those times. But at least she's gaining weight and thriving, even if every feeding is a challenge. It's all worth it if she gets better over time. Hopefully soon, right?

Weekend Update

i SUCK at this feeding stuff. D doesn't want to take more than 3-3.5 oz per bottle for me before she starts fighting, and i don't know how much to fight back or just give up. The good news is i've discovered that she will take more after fussing (and stop fussing) if i wear her in front and feed her walking around the neighborhood. i wish it wouldn't get cold and dark so early though!

In other news, D and i were both sick this weekend. Just a cold, but it makes for a fussy baby and a fussy mommy lol. Thank goodness for sweet DH and all his patience.

Also, on Saturday morning, i was getting D some clothes from her closet and jammed a 1.5" spike (carpet spike maybe?) into my foot about 3/4". Somehow i managed not to drop the baby, hobbled to a chair to see it was sizeable, and carried D downstairs. Woke Alan up and made him get it out, which i think took 3 tries it was in so far!

So, yeah, could have been a better weekend, but we did take D to the ICE! exhibit at Opryland. It was fun. Overpriced, but fun. Got a few good pics, too. (Not necessarily these here lol).


And today's bad news is Alan's car got a hole in the exhaust (LOUD!!!), but it was fixed today for $108; definitely could have been worse.

The exciting and scary news from today is D chose tonight in the infant tub as the perfect place to try to pull herself up for the first time ever! And the redirection begins!

Day 4 Update

Yesterday D ate about 28 oz during the day and very little solids. She went to bed about 8:30, and woke at 10:45 pm wanting 4 more ounces. Then she slept until 6:00 am! Another STTN! She did wake around 2-something i think, but by the time i got upstairs with a bottle, she was sound asleep again.

i asked daycare to change her 12:30 feeding (which she usually doesn't eat all of, it seems) to more like 1:00. That way if her 3:30 feeding is not so great, she'll be hungrier in the evening and maybe fuller at bedtime. Maybe; we'll see.

This morning she ate 7 1/2 oz in the morning! That is a record! (But then she only ate 12 1/2 oz of her 16 1/2 oz at daycare). She ate 3 1/2 oz for dinner, and we'll see how that bedtime bottle goes in a few minutes. Right now she's trying to crawl. And eat the coffee table.

Day 3 Update

Yesterday D ate around 28 ounces before bed, and woke once at 3:45, but i think she woke because she was cold rather than hungry. Her hands were freezing! This is despite a long-sleeved onesie, a cotton footed PJ, and a fleece sleep sack. The weather took a turn and it got COLD upstairs. i feel bad about that :(. She ate about 3 ounces at that time though.

Aside from the 3 oz at 3:45, she's eaten just short of 28 today. She ate a little less for Alan this morning (just maybe 1/2 oz less), and an ounce less at daycare, and only slightly more for me. We'll see how tonight works out, but i have somewhat more confidence and will make sure it's nice and toasty upstairs.

Day 2 Update

You may have guessed that yesterday i was pretty... flustered would be a good word. i was so afraid of being awakened 4 or 5 times overnight for D to eat about 2 ounces each time and then fall asleep.

Well, i'm happy to say that she slept through the night! She woke once around 8:45 and just needed me to rub her back to fall back asleep. Then she didn't wake again (at least not when she didn't fall right back asleep on her own) until 5:15. She ate a 6 oz bottle (maybe could have had more...?), then slept again until 7:45. Dude! That has never, ever happened!

So now i'm left with the conclusion that A) i'm a douchebag for trying to put more food down her gullet than she actually needs, and B) she actually does better without it (eats more and sleeps more!). So yeah, i'm not feeling really confident as a mommy at this point.

So far today, she's eaten more than she used to with the old strategy, so that's a good sign. She has, however, slept a grand total of 35 minutes during naps since the 7:45 waking. 15 minutes at daycare and 20 at home.

Yay for Pre-Toddler D and getting back into her regular rhythms!