From optimist to pessimist

i've noticed a change in me over the last few months. i used to be distinctly a half-glass-full type. Now i've turned into more of a "something bad will happen" type :(. i know what it is; it's being a mommy. Which is a WONDERFUL thing overall, but it has made me a worrier. Someone said that having a child is choosing to let your heart walk around outside your skin for the next 18 years. Yup. Truer words never spoken.

So it's not surprising that i was worried sick about today's tests. Not just what they may find, but also how she would handle it. First we thought it was going to be a scope procedure, which meant sedation, which scared me to death. Then we found out it's not a scope procedure but an upper GI, which is much better, but it meant she had to fast for 4 hours and then drink barium. i've had to drink barium twice and it is NASTY! So that made me nervous.

Well, she handled it like a trooper. She really is the world's best baby. i was so afraid we'd have 2 hours or more of straight crying from hunger because she normally eats every 2 hours (and of course they never run on time with tests so i figured another half hour at least in the waiting room). To make matters worse, she wouldn't even eat much this morning (from being sleepy and having to get up early).

Don't get me wrong, she had her fussy moments. But really that's all it was. Just fuss, not a lot of tears and crying. Which is unusual when she's hungry; it's really the only time she's fussy or cry-y. i really think God sent some of His mojo juice into her tummy to calm her (as requested).

As for the test results, well it was pretty much what we expected. The official report won't be out until next week, but we were in the room and could watch the monitor, and they did tell us what they saw (i love it when they do that instead of the old "We're not allowed to say anything" line). First they took X-ray videos of her breathing and didn't see any sign of her trachea collapsing, so that's really good news. Then they did a barium study (which shockingly she did not complain about eating, which makes me think formula must really taste terrible!) and watched the white barium in the bottle go down her esophagus and into her stomach, and then into her small intesting in a big black streak. We didn't see anything that looked odd, and neither did the doctors.

Then they had us feed her the rest of the barium (2 oz) and did some more X-rays to look for reflux. And boy did she oblige! Poor girl apparently has some pretty wicked reflux. And every time her breathing got bad, the reflux episode was really strong, so it could well be related :(. i sure wish i knew how to help this girl. We knew she had reflux but didn't know it was quite this severe. Not sure what they'll say next week, but for now we're going to switch her over to soy formula which several people have said is good for reflux.

The littlest one has been eating and sleeping pretty much the rest of today so far. Poor thing must be exhausted! i'm just trying to cuddle my girl as much as possible.