Dear D,
Yesterday i caught you standing on the thin edge on the side of your walker wagon. It's MAYBE 3/4" wide. And slanted. And you were standing on it on one foot, holding on to the handle (backwards) with one hand, trying to decide what to do with your other foot.
i am no longer buying your story about not having sufficient balance or nerve to stand unassisted. Or walk for that matter. We all know it's just a cover and you have a secret life as a walking baby.
Mommee
P.S. i am really proud of you. This morning you woke up with a fully dry diaper after about 10.5 hours overnight, and you even oke up several times last night. And then you pee pee'd on the potty for about 20 minutes straight. Way to go!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
T minus 7 days
i can't believe how excited i am to have surgery. i guess when you're as old hat at it as i am (this is my 5th surgery in 34 years), you know better what to expect. Oh my gosh i am so ready for this!
The cleaning frenzy began this weekend before MIL comes to stay with us during that first week of recovery. i've also been in a frenzy to stock up baby food, because as D increases her solids appetite, i'm having a hard enough time just keeping up much less staying ahead. Right now my biggest problem is not having enough ice cube trays so i can only make a couple of batches most days. i'm able to reuse some jars from commercial baby food i've used a couple of times, and i got some little 4 oz gladware things, so that helps.
This weekend we deep cleaned the office and the nursery (including cleaning the walls, baseboards, etc, and polishing the furniture), and the upstairs bathroom. i went and got baskets for organization and it looks pretty good. No more potty time books stacked on the back of the toilet (instead they're in a nice basket lol). That was Saturday. Sunday we deep cleaned the living room and hallway (other than the carpets; that's this weekend), and most of the kitchen. i finished that up this morning.
We also had to go recliner shopping yesterday again. We'd purchased one from American Signature Furniture a week ago that we hoped would be part of a new living room set we might buy in a few months. They assured us they could deliver it before my surgery in the morning, but they called to tell us they would drop it off between noon and 6 pm on Friday. Sorry, guys. They were super inflexible and i'm not taking 1/2 day vacation off from work and also paying $100 for delivery, so we had them refund it. So we went shopping again and Alan is going to pick up our new Laz E Boy on Wednesday. This is even better because the back comes off.
So what's left? We need to deep clean the master bedroom and the master bathroom, and we need to steam clean the downstairs carpets. We should probably steam clean everything, but that's not going to happen. And of course we need to dust and vacuum and such.
Meanwhile, i'm pooped!
The cleaning frenzy began this weekend before MIL comes to stay with us during that first week of recovery. i've also been in a frenzy to stock up baby food, because as D increases her solids appetite, i'm having a hard enough time just keeping up much less staying ahead. Right now my biggest problem is not having enough ice cube trays so i can only make a couple of batches most days. i'm able to reuse some jars from commercial baby food i've used a couple of times, and i got some little 4 oz gladware things, so that helps.
This weekend we deep cleaned the office and the nursery (including cleaning the walls, baseboards, etc, and polishing the furniture), and the upstairs bathroom. i went and got baskets for organization and it looks pretty good. No more potty time books stacked on the back of the toilet (instead they're in a nice basket lol). That was Saturday. Sunday we deep cleaned the living room and hallway (other than the carpets; that's this weekend), and most of the kitchen. i finished that up this morning.
We also had to go recliner shopping yesterday again. We'd purchased one from American Signature Furniture a week ago that we hoped would be part of a new living room set we might buy in a few months. They assured us they could deliver it before my surgery in the morning, but they called to tell us they would drop it off between noon and 6 pm on Friday. Sorry, guys. They were super inflexible and i'm not taking 1/2 day vacation off from work and also paying $100 for delivery, so we had them refund it. So we went shopping again and Alan is going to pick up our new Laz E Boy on Wednesday. This is even better because the back comes off.
So what's left? We need to deep clean the master bedroom and the master bathroom, and we need to steam clean the downstairs carpets. We should probably steam clean everything, but that's not going to happen. And of course we need to dust and vacuum and such.
Meanwhile, i'm pooped!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Do Not Read (if you're squeamish)
i'm going to share a photo, and i apologize that it's pretty icky. It's a close-up of part of my stomach where i've been using a heating pad for a week solid due to the intense endo pain. i've been using it all day at work and most of the night (it's auto shut-off but i usually wake 2-3 times a night and start it up again because the pain wakes me). i've obviously gotten a pretty nasty heat rash, and while i knew i had a heat rash, i never noticed that i actually had scabs and have apparently been bleeding.
So, again, close this now if you don't want to see it.
i mean it.
Really...
(i'm stretching this out because i figure hopefully if you came straight to the blog that it'll be long enough that you'll have to page down to see the photo).
Okay, i warned you. Sigh. The saddest part is even when i realized how bad the rash was getting (not the bleeding but the black and blue-ness of it all), i didn't care. The pain was that bad.
Thankfully today things are getting a little better. Hooray! Hopefully it will stay bad until after surgery. Just... 10 days left.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
i just reviewed my followers
and edited out what i wrote.
My thoughts are with you, Maggie and Chris. i'm so sorry for the loss of Aiden. ((Hugs)) and tons of prayers as always.
My thoughts are with you, Maggie and Chris. i'm so sorry for the loss of Aiden. ((Hugs)) and tons of prayers as always.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A Post About D and also babywearing
This kid is seriously amazing. i guess they all are, but this one is MINE :). Today she learned how to clap for the first time. She may even have waved; that one's not 100% for sure. It could have been a fluke. But clapping; she's got that mastered. And does it often. i swear i'm going to hear it on the baby monitor all night long :).
Yesterday we went to a babywearer's meeting and had a lot of fun. She let me wear her pretty much the whole time, including through a nap. She was pretty fascinated by the other babies being worn. i don't think she'd ever actually seen that before really, at least not since about 4 months old when we went to the pumpkin patch and there were other babies being worn, but even then none of them were really very close.
Someone helped me do a superman toss with a didymos wrap for a back carry. i still don't know if i could ever make that happen by myself. i tried a santa toss but freaked out when she was on my back pretty crooked. Still, it made me covet a good woven. Sigh. Maybe i'll buy that bamboo woven fabric and do some hand-dying. That would rock.
Yesterday we went to a babywearer's meeting and had a lot of fun. She let me wear her pretty much the whole time, including through a nap. She was pretty fascinated by the other babies being worn. i don't think she'd ever actually seen that before really, at least not since about 4 months old when we went to the pumpkin patch and there were other babies being worn, but even then none of them were really very close.
Someone helped me do a superman toss with a didymos wrap for a back carry. i still don't know if i could ever make that happen by myself. i tried a santa toss but freaked out when she was on my back pretty crooked. Still, it made me covet a good woven. Sigh. Maybe i'll buy that bamboo woven fabric and do some hand-dying. That would rock.
A Post About Endometriosis
Seriously. i mean it. That's what this post is about. If you don't want to read about endometriosis and all that goes with it (pretty much none of it positive), you can stop now. There is absolutely no reason to comment and tell me i should be happy for the good things going on in my life. i am thankful, but perhaps a blog that tells the whole truth, even the ugly, could help someone. If not, it's still MY blog, my little niche in the world where i can post about how i feel, even when it's not all roses and sunshine. You've been warned :). (And yes, i know such comments are only well-intentioned, but they don't always come across as intended).
With that aside, let me just tell you that i am in a seriously tremendous amount of pain. It's virtually impossible to function. i can barely walk. Holding the sweet baby in my lap is wonderful and torturous. And the worst part is i know tomorrow will be worse, because i know the endo on my bowels will give me painful diarrhea all day tomorrow.
i am SO grateful that surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day, rather than further out. But this last year has been the most painful year of my life. i am so ready for it to end.
i also really hate that i have virtually no control over my future, which is endo related. A decade ago, i was newly married to the wrong man but relatively happy thinking i would be able to start a family soon. i knew i wanted a big family, and i thought i wanted to be DONE having kids by 30-35 years old, not just getting started. i thought i would have the normal amount of control over my family.
Then of course my ex was the wrong man, and while he said he wanted kids, he really either didn't want them or didn't want them anytime soon (he didn't like change). And then endometriosis let itself be known, with a bang, so to speak. TONS of pain. Gripping, horrible pain. Surgery within 6 months. Another surgery 3 years later, and now a third 18 months later. Pretty much total infertility.
At this point i really am over the infertility part. i have D and nothing in the world could be better than that. i know i couldn't love a bio child any more than i love D. Half the time i forget she's adopted. But the loss of control over my life is taking its toll.
Will D's bio parents have another child? When will this happen? How old will the baby be when we find out about him/her? Will we have the option to adopt this one? Will we be faced with a dilemma of removing the baby from a would-be family? How will we decide? Will this upcoming surgery restore any fertility options for me? Will we pursue them? To what degree? How long will we wait before we pursue other options like domestic adoption?
And the other questions, like will they get everything with the surgery? How long will this surgery "last" before the pain returns? When will i have to get a hysterectomy? And will the pain return after that as it does in far too many cases?
And then there's the logistics of the surgery. Alan has off until 6pm on surgery day. 6pm. Surgery is at 12:30. Seems like last time it was about a 4 hour surgery plus recovery time, and this one is probably more involved. So i don't even know if he'll be there to take me home. My MIL is going to come and care for me and the baby for the week or so after the surgery. *Hopefully* she will leave her husband behind. But what happens if she is in recovery with me? i don't want the surgeon to tell her anything about my fertility options. Which means i'll have to wait probably until my 2 week post-op appointment to hear anything. And if i do hear anything, i'll have to deal with the results without Alan's support for the most part. Hopefully it will turn out and not destroy me. i don't really expect to hear great news so there shouldn't be much to disappoint me, but you never know about these things until they happen. My emotions have surprised me before.
The surgery itself? Doesn't scare me. Honestly i think i'm in worse pain on days like today than in the days immediately following surgery. Even without painkillers. i wish i were kidding. Maybe this surgery will be worse, but nothing can be worse than the knee surgery pain. Oh, ho ho. Perhaps i've just issued a challenge to the pain gods. Bitter lol.
With that aside, let me just tell you that i am in a seriously tremendous amount of pain. It's virtually impossible to function. i can barely walk. Holding the sweet baby in my lap is wonderful and torturous. And the worst part is i know tomorrow will be worse, because i know the endo on my bowels will give me painful diarrhea all day tomorrow.
i am SO grateful that surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day, rather than further out. But this last year has been the most painful year of my life. i am so ready for it to end.
i also really hate that i have virtually no control over my future, which is endo related. A decade ago, i was newly married to the wrong man but relatively happy thinking i would be able to start a family soon. i knew i wanted a big family, and i thought i wanted to be DONE having kids by 30-35 years old, not just getting started. i thought i would have the normal amount of control over my family.
Then of course my ex was the wrong man, and while he said he wanted kids, he really either didn't want them or didn't want them anytime soon (he didn't like change). And then endometriosis let itself be known, with a bang, so to speak. TONS of pain. Gripping, horrible pain. Surgery within 6 months. Another surgery 3 years later, and now a third 18 months later. Pretty much total infertility.
At this point i really am over the infertility part. i have D and nothing in the world could be better than that. i know i couldn't love a bio child any more than i love D. Half the time i forget she's adopted. But the loss of control over my life is taking its toll.
Will D's bio parents have another child? When will this happen? How old will the baby be when we find out about him/her? Will we have the option to adopt this one? Will we be faced with a dilemma of removing the baby from a would-be family? How will we decide? Will this upcoming surgery restore any fertility options for me? Will we pursue them? To what degree? How long will we wait before we pursue other options like domestic adoption?
And the other questions, like will they get everything with the surgery? How long will this surgery "last" before the pain returns? When will i have to get a hysterectomy? And will the pain return after that as it does in far too many cases?
And then there's the logistics of the surgery. Alan has off until 6pm on surgery day. 6pm. Surgery is at 12:30. Seems like last time it was about a 4 hour surgery plus recovery time, and this one is probably more involved. So i don't even know if he'll be there to take me home. My MIL is going to come and care for me and the baby for the week or so after the surgery. *Hopefully* she will leave her husband behind. But what happens if she is in recovery with me? i don't want the surgeon to tell her anything about my fertility options. Which means i'll have to wait probably until my 2 week post-op appointment to hear anything. And if i do hear anything, i'll have to deal with the results without Alan's support for the most part. Hopefully it will turn out and not destroy me. i don't really expect to hear great news so there shouldn't be much to disappoint me, but you never know about these things until they happen. My emotions have surprised me before.
The surgery itself? Doesn't scare me. Honestly i think i'm in worse pain on days like today than in the days immediately following surgery. Even without painkillers. i wish i were kidding. Maybe this surgery will be worse, but nothing can be worse than the knee surgery pain. Oh, ho ho. Perhaps i've just issued a challenge to the pain gods. Bitter lol.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Surgery is scheduled
February 22. Which is not quite 3 weeks away. Which is a mixed bag because i want it soooon, so this is good, but it's ratings in tv so Alan won't be able to get any time off. Maybe not even the day of the surgery.
They say that recovery is 2 weeks. i've had 2 laparoscopies for endo and 2 arthroscopic surgeries on my knee (yeah, surgery is sort of my hobby), one of which was pretty intense as it was an ACL reconstruction and involved drilling through 2 bones, and i've never been out of work for 2 weeks. Even the ACL was just a week and a day (since surgery was on Friday) and i was back to work on crutches the Monday next. The laparoscopies have both resulted in me feeling nearly better after a few days. i know this one is a bit more extensive, but i'm still surprised they think 2 weeks. i guess worst case i can work from home that second week or something.
But the main problem remains: How to take care of myself and take care of D while Alan is at work during those 2 weeks? i know i'll be able to take care of myself within probably 48 hours (i just might not want to), but i doubt i can lift her for a couple of weeks. Which is a problem since daycare closes at 6 and he gets home at 10:30. We may have to hire a nanny or get my mother-in-law to come visit but hopefully not bring her husband who drives me apeshit. i just don't think i could handle him.
But, altogether, yay! i can't wait to feel okay again. Maybe even better than okay. i don't remember the last day i didn't hurt. i think maybe around Christmastime for a couple of days? Not sure. Lately it's just bad to worse every day. So this should be good.
Fertility prospects? Well, i'm certainly not holding my breath there. And that's fine because the little girl in the crib upstairs is just the most delightful creature ever to "walk" the earth. Or cruise the earth's furniture anyway.
They say that recovery is 2 weeks. i've had 2 laparoscopies for endo and 2 arthroscopic surgeries on my knee (yeah, surgery is sort of my hobby), one of which was pretty intense as it was an ACL reconstruction and involved drilling through 2 bones, and i've never been out of work for 2 weeks. Even the ACL was just a week and a day (since surgery was on Friday) and i was back to work on crutches the Monday next. The laparoscopies have both resulted in me feeling nearly better after a few days. i know this one is a bit more extensive, but i'm still surprised they think 2 weeks. i guess worst case i can work from home that second week or something.
But the main problem remains: How to take care of myself and take care of D while Alan is at work during those 2 weeks? i know i'll be able to take care of myself within probably 48 hours (i just might not want to), but i doubt i can lift her for a couple of weeks. Which is a problem since daycare closes at 6 and he gets home at 10:30. We may have to hire a nanny or get my mother-in-law to come visit but hopefully not bring her husband who drives me apeshit. i just don't think i could handle him.
But, altogether, yay! i can't wait to feel okay again. Maybe even better than okay. i don't remember the last day i didn't hurt. i think maybe around Christmastime for a couple of days? Not sure. Lately it's just bad to worse every day. So this should be good.
Fertility prospects? Well, i'm certainly not holding my breath there. And that's fine because the little girl in the crib upstairs is just the most delightful creature ever to "walk" the earth. Or cruise the earth's furniture anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)