A Post About Endometriosis

Seriously. i mean it. That's what this post is about. If you don't want to read about endometriosis and all that goes with it (pretty much none of it positive), you can stop now. There is absolutely no reason to comment and tell me i should be happy for the good things going on in my life. i am thankful, but perhaps a blog that tells the whole truth, even the ugly, could help someone. If not, it's still MY blog, my little niche in the world where i can post about how i feel, even when it's not all roses and sunshine. You've been warned :). (And yes, i know such comments are only well-intentioned, but they don't always come across as intended).

With that aside, let me just tell you that i am in a seriously tremendous amount of pain. It's virtually impossible to function. i can barely walk. Holding the sweet baby in my lap is wonderful and torturous. And the worst part is i know tomorrow will be worse, because i know the endo on my bowels will give me painful diarrhea all day tomorrow.

i am SO grateful that surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day, rather than further out. But this last year has been the most painful year of my life. i am so ready for it to end.

i also really hate that i have virtually no control over my future, which is endo related. A decade ago, i was newly married to the wrong man but relatively happy thinking i would be able to start a family soon. i knew i wanted a big family, and i thought i wanted to be DONE having kids by 30-35 years old, not just getting started. i thought i would have the normal amount of control over my family.

Then of course my ex was the wrong man, and while he said he wanted kids, he really either didn't want them or didn't want them anytime soon (he didn't like change). And then endometriosis let itself be known, with a bang, so to speak. TONS of pain. Gripping, horrible pain. Surgery within 6 months. Another surgery 3 years later, and now a third 18 months later. Pretty much total infertility.

At this point i really am over the infertility part. i have D and nothing in the world could be better than that. i know i couldn't love a bio child any more than i love D. Half the time i forget she's adopted. But the loss of control over my life is taking its toll.

Will D's bio parents have another child? When will this happen? How old will the baby be when we find out about him/her? Will we have the option to adopt this one? Will we be faced with a dilemma of removing the baby from a would-be family? How will we decide? Will this upcoming surgery restore any fertility options for me? Will we pursue them? To what degree? How long will we wait before we pursue other options like domestic adoption?

And the other questions, like will they get everything with the surgery? How long will this surgery "last" before the pain returns? When will i have to get a hysterectomy? And will the pain return after that as it does in far too many cases?

And then there's the logistics of the surgery. Alan has off until 6pm on surgery day. 6pm. Surgery is at 12:30. Seems like last time it was about a 4 hour surgery plus recovery time, and this one is probably more involved. So i don't even know if he'll be there to take me home. My MIL is going to come and care for me and the baby for the week or so after the surgery. *Hopefully* she will leave her husband behind. But what happens if she is in recovery with me? i don't want the surgeon to tell her anything about my fertility options. Which means i'll have to wait probably until my 2 week post-op appointment to hear anything. And if i do hear anything, i'll have to deal with the results without Alan's support for the most part. Hopefully it will turn out and not destroy me. i don't really expect to hear great news so there shouldn't be much to disappoint me, but you never know about these things until they happen. My emotions have surprised me before.

The surgery itself? Doesn't scare me. Honestly i think i'm in worse pain on days like today than in the days immediately following surgery. Even without painkillers. i wish i were kidding. Maybe this surgery will be worse, but nothing can be worse than the knee surgery pain. Oh, ho ho. Perhaps i've just issued a challenge to the pain gods. Bitter lol.