i just reviewed my followers

and edited out what i wrote.

My thoughts are with you, Maggie and Chris. i'm so sorry for the loss of Aiden. ((Hugs)) and tons of prayers as always.

A Post About D and also babywearing

This kid is seriously amazing. i guess they all are, but this one is MINE :). Today she learned how to clap for the first time. She may even have waved; that one's not 100% for sure. It could have been a fluke. But clapping; she's got that mastered. And does it often. i swear i'm going to hear it on the baby monitor all night long :).

Yesterday we went to a babywearer's meeting and had a lot of fun. She let me wear her pretty much the whole time, including through a nap. She was pretty fascinated by the other babies being worn. i don't think she'd ever actually seen that before really, at least not since about 4 months old when we went to the pumpkin patch and there were other babies being worn, but even then none of them were really very close.

Someone helped me do a superman toss with a didymos wrap for a back carry. i still don't know if i could ever make that happen by myself. i tried a santa toss but freaked out when she was on my back pretty crooked. Still, it made me covet a good woven. Sigh. Maybe i'll buy that bamboo woven fabric and do some hand-dying. That would rock.

A Post About Endometriosis

Seriously. i mean it. That's what this post is about. If you don't want to read about endometriosis and all that goes with it (pretty much none of it positive), you can stop now. There is absolutely no reason to comment and tell me i should be happy for the good things going on in my life. i am thankful, but perhaps a blog that tells the whole truth, even the ugly, could help someone. If not, it's still MY blog, my little niche in the world where i can post about how i feel, even when it's not all roses and sunshine. You've been warned :). (And yes, i know such comments are only well-intentioned, but they don't always come across as intended).

With that aside, let me just tell you that i am in a seriously tremendous amount of pain. It's virtually impossible to function. i can barely walk. Holding the sweet baby in my lap is wonderful and torturous. And the worst part is i know tomorrow will be worse, because i know the endo on my bowels will give me painful diarrhea all day tomorrow.

i am SO grateful that surgery is in 2 weeks and 1 day, rather than further out. But this last year has been the most painful year of my life. i am so ready for it to end.

i also really hate that i have virtually no control over my future, which is endo related. A decade ago, i was newly married to the wrong man but relatively happy thinking i would be able to start a family soon. i knew i wanted a big family, and i thought i wanted to be DONE having kids by 30-35 years old, not just getting started. i thought i would have the normal amount of control over my family.

Then of course my ex was the wrong man, and while he said he wanted kids, he really either didn't want them or didn't want them anytime soon (he didn't like change). And then endometriosis let itself be known, with a bang, so to speak. TONS of pain. Gripping, horrible pain. Surgery within 6 months. Another surgery 3 years later, and now a third 18 months later. Pretty much total infertility.

At this point i really am over the infertility part. i have D and nothing in the world could be better than that. i know i couldn't love a bio child any more than i love D. Half the time i forget she's adopted. But the loss of control over my life is taking its toll.

Will D's bio parents have another child? When will this happen? How old will the baby be when we find out about him/her? Will we have the option to adopt this one? Will we be faced with a dilemma of removing the baby from a would-be family? How will we decide? Will this upcoming surgery restore any fertility options for me? Will we pursue them? To what degree? How long will we wait before we pursue other options like domestic adoption?

And the other questions, like will they get everything with the surgery? How long will this surgery "last" before the pain returns? When will i have to get a hysterectomy? And will the pain return after that as it does in far too many cases?

And then there's the logistics of the surgery. Alan has off until 6pm on surgery day. 6pm. Surgery is at 12:30. Seems like last time it was about a 4 hour surgery plus recovery time, and this one is probably more involved. So i don't even know if he'll be there to take me home. My MIL is going to come and care for me and the baby for the week or so after the surgery. *Hopefully* she will leave her husband behind. But what happens if she is in recovery with me? i don't want the surgeon to tell her anything about my fertility options. Which means i'll have to wait probably until my 2 week post-op appointment to hear anything. And if i do hear anything, i'll have to deal with the results without Alan's support for the most part. Hopefully it will turn out and not destroy me. i don't really expect to hear great news so there shouldn't be much to disappoint me, but you never know about these things until they happen. My emotions have surprised me before.

The surgery itself? Doesn't scare me. Honestly i think i'm in worse pain on days like today than in the days immediately following surgery. Even without painkillers. i wish i were kidding. Maybe this surgery will be worse, but nothing can be worse than the knee surgery pain. Oh, ho ho. Perhaps i've just issued a challenge to the pain gods. Bitter lol.

Surgery is scheduled

February 22. Which is not quite 3 weeks away. Which is a mixed bag because i want it soooon, so this is good, but it's ratings in tv so Alan won't be able to get any time off. Maybe not even the day of the surgery.

They say that recovery is 2 weeks. i've had 2 laparoscopies for endo and 2 arthroscopic surgeries on my knee (yeah, surgery is sort of my hobby), one of which was pretty intense as it was an ACL reconstruction and involved drilling through 2 bones, and i've never been out of work for 2 weeks. Even the ACL was just a week and a day (since surgery was on Friday) and i was back to work on crutches the Monday next. The laparoscopies have both resulted in me feeling nearly better after a few days. i know this one is a bit more extensive, but i'm still surprised they think 2 weeks. i guess worst case i can work from home that second week or something.

But the main problem remains: How to take care of myself and take care of D while Alan is at work during those 2 weeks? i know i'll be able to take care of myself within probably 48 hours (i just might not want to), but i doubt i can lift her for a couple of weeks. Which is a problem since daycare closes at 6 and he gets home at 10:30. We may have to hire a nanny or get my mother-in-law to come visit but hopefully not bring her husband who drives me apeshit. i just don't think i could handle him.

But, altogether, yay! i can't wait to feel okay again. Maybe even better than okay. i don't remember the last day i didn't hurt. i think maybe around Christmastime for a couple of days? Not sure. Lately it's just bad to worse every day. So this should be good.

Fertility prospects? Well, i'm certainly not holding my breath there. And that's fine because the little girl in the crib upstairs is just the most delightful creature ever to "walk" the earth. Or cruise the earth's furniture anyway.

This is where i grumble about my family

First off, let me shout out to my one sister, and to my MIL and her husband. They have been very supportive of us and of D. i really appreciate that, especially considering.

So, let's see. My dad told me very early after D came that i was going to kill her, and has said as much 3 more times. Now my brother has told me that she's going to go to "juvie" in 12 or 13 years because of my parenting.

(The long story is that i was saying how i am a little disappointed that we won't be finalizing until May or June most likely -- definitely not before then -- because i want to be the mom, i want to be able to make decisions, etc. Brother said, "Yeah, you need to be able to spank her soon!" Now, i'm not a spanker by nature. i have grandiose ideas about "gentle discipline" and not even using time outs if we can be effective that way. Obviously not let her do whatever she wants and get away with everything, but a different kind of effective discipline. But i don't judge those who do spank, because i don't think spanking as an institution equals abuse. Sure, there are some who take it there, but there are some who make tickling abuse. i digress...

So because i'm a non-confrontational type person and i don't want to get into a whole big discipline debate, i just say (which is true) that we'll have to sign a piece of paper saying that we won't spank her before they'll let us adopt. Now, i'm not really sure how legally binding that document will actually be because the adoption will be finalized and we'll be the legal parents, and things like visitation agreements signed before adoption aren't enforceable, but it doesn't matter because we don't plan to spank. So i telll him this, and he says it's a bunch of crap and i can just ignore it, etc. i say, "No, it's fine because we don't have plans to spank anyway." "Oh, well be prepared for her to end up in juvie in 12 or 13 years." Crickets. Seriously, how do you respond to that? That's MY KID he's talking about being a criminal here. That's MY PARENTING he's dogging to my face before i even get a chance to use it! Grrrr... mama tiger's claws come out, so silence is my best way to keep from attacking.

A few seconds pass, and he says, "You gotta admit that was a good one, huh huh huh." i say (stone cold), "No, brother, it wasn't. i have never been anything but supportive about your parenting, i never said anything about people who spank, and i don't appreciate you saying that about my daughter or my parenting." So then he goes on to say, "Well, i haven't spanked the older boys in a while, and i don't think i've ever given the young one (age 6) a spanking." i couldn't resist: "Well, they've each got one foot in the prison yard then, don't they?")

So, yeah, i think that telling me i'm going to kill her or at least put her in prison equals a lack of support. i mean, my in-laws have made some small comments like we shouldn't use a fan in the baby's room (which we do because it reduces risk of SIDS) or we shouldn't swaddle because it looks cruel. Normal in-law annoying comments. But dead or in prison? Ugh!

My other sister (the one not mentioned in the top paragraph) has shown ZERO interest in D whatsoever. She's never called, never asked for pictures, never asked how the baby is, nothing. No Christmas present (or even card or even a call to thank me for the gifts i sent her kids). Nothing. My brother didn't send a gift either (he just claimed he didn't have my address and would send it later, but over a month later and clearly that's not happening), but at least he thanked me for it. My brother-in-law is not a baby person, i have to say, so it's not surprising, but at least his wife wants pictures and things.

Okay, vent over. i wonder how many of these people will actually come celebrate her adoption and birthday party...

Biopsy Results

The polyp was an adenoma, which is benign and common, but in 10-15 years they have a tendency to turn malignant so i have to have colonoscopies every 5 years now. Bah that.

Now my surgery can be scheduled. The GI doc said he spoke with the GYN who said they would schedule my surgery for a Monday so the GI doc can be available. Even though there's no endo in the bowels, it still could be protruding pretty deeply into the wall of the colon and possibly (not likely) require a section of the colon to be removed. i really hope this can be scheduled sooooon! i hurt so much on a daily basis now.

Colonoscopy

i was supposed to have a flexible sigmoidoscopy today, which is like a colonoscopy but only 1/3 of the way up the tuckas. Supposedly the bowel prep isn't as bad with the flex sig, but i can tell you it was horrible. It involved a liquid diet all day yesterday, then drinking 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate (which tasted like chewing an Airborne - ick!), and then 2 enemas this morning. Fun times i hope to never repeat.

At any rate, the doctor was a full hour late, so here i am doing my oh-so-favorite thing, making small talk with a nurse, a tech, and a resident. Effing teaching hospitals. i was sedated, drifted off to sleep, and was awakened with the worst imaginable pain in my lower left side as someone was pushing and pulling all over my abdomen and the endo is SO PAINFUL right now anyway, so it was awful. i remember trying so hard not to scream, biting my hand (i still had a mark hours later), groaning, and saying, "That really really hurts!" They were apparently trying to turn a corner. Then i watched the rest of it, drifting in and out.

Apparently they found one polyp and decided to extend to a full colonoscopy. They only found the one polyp and no endo, so that's good. Hopefully the polyp will be benign and not pre-cancerous and i won't have to have another for another 10-15 years. i hope.

The point of sedation was that i shouldn't have been awake during any of it, and if i did wake up, i shouldn't have remembered it. The same thing happened when i had sedation dentistry; i woke up in pain and was told i wouldn't remember it. i still remember it over a year later. i must be defective.

Anyway, results from the polyp biopsy will be ready in a few days. i'm thrilled not to have to have a bowel resection when i have the next surgery, though. So, all things considered, i'll begrudgingly call it a success.