Courage

This weekend was a relatively good one, all things considered. We spent a lot of the weekend working on D’s scrapbook. Scrapbooking is definitively NOT my new favorite hobby! I’m just not quite creative enough, and my gosh it takes a full hour to do one stinking sheet most of the time! At least it does for me. I’m definitely more of the instant gratification type. We did get a few pages that I think are pretty nice. The goal is twofold: 1) Lots of pics of D throughout the various growth stages so that she can have a complete life story if she doesn’t live with us forever, and 2) Provide a subtle message that she’s well-loved and well-cared-for, without being too obvious about it. Hopefully we are achieving that, but I think we may have just a few too many pictures of one or the other of us gazing into her beautiful big eyes to quite pull off the “subtle” part. Ah, well, we’re trying anyway.

In other weekend news, Alan had to work Saturday morning because the jury handed down a verdict in the 30-something-year-old murder case where a little girl was raped and murdered, so he had to write a promotion showing how great the station was. When he got home, we all went out to eat, to Target to grab some supplies for ::sniff sniff:: daycare, and then to Kohl’s, where we got her a nice semi-special-occasion dress for Friday’s meeting. She’s just about outgrown the frilly white almost-christening-gown that CPS donated for her when she first came into care. It used to be SO HUGE on her, and now it’s too tight in the legs. Amazing! So this dress is very cute and will hopefully, again, send the message that she’s well-cared-for and well-loved without being too obviously trying to impress. Sigh. I suck at this.

After Kohl’s, we went for a walk on the greenway next to Kohl’s that runs by the river past the dam that makes Percy Priest Lake and reservoir. It was a gorgeous day! I don’t know what the opposite of “Indian summer” is, but that’s what we were having this weekend. Highs in the 70’s, in late July in Tennessee, without being very humid either. Crazy, but I’ll take it! We got some pretty pics of D in her “natural habitat”, and we passed this nice older couple with 2 dogs as they turned down an unpaved trail down toward the river. About 2-3 minutes later, Alan was posing with D by an overlook (with a kayak down on the river in the background; very nice), when his eyes got all big and he said, “Watch out! There are some dogs coming this way.” The 2 dogs from the older couple were barreling down the path toward us. I called “Here, puppy, puppy!” and they came to me, and we stepped on their leashes and gathered them up and went in search of the couple. The poor lady had fallen and busted her face and also hurt one of her (both artificial) knees. L We helped them walk the dogs back to the car, maybe ½ mile back down the path, as the husband helped his wife walk back. I really hope she’s doing okay today!

Sunday morning we got up and went to church. This is an occasion, people! We never go to church! I think the last time was about 18 months ago actually. It’s not that we don’t believe, or that we are lazy (though I’m sure it’s tough for Alan to wake up early). Remember that little children’s joke thing where you lace your fingers on both hands together a certain way and put your index fingers out straight on top and say, “This is the church, and this is the steeple. Open it up and see all the people”, and then you open your hands and wiggle your fingers and those are the people? Well, my problem is the fingers. We are both really shy, we don’t really like to meet new people, especially in large groups. Alan is better at it than I am. I can’t explain it, but it’s very, very scary for me. (If I haven’t mentioned it before, it’s because I have very high-functioning autism...)

Well, I bucked up my courage and went. We went to a smallish but not tiny Methodist church in our neighborhood. The last time we went to church, we tried a really tiny church, and they looked at us like we were lunch. I guess attendance is so low they get excited to see new faces. I thought a small church would be better than a large one, but it turns out not to be because the people practically swarmed around us and that was no bueno. So we were hoping a small but not tiny church would be better, and I think it was to a degree. People said hi, but weren’t too intrusive. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t really stand and say hi because I was holding the baby, but something was better. Unfortunately, the sermon was pretty uninspiring. The minister at the tiny church was great, but the people were overwhelming; this was the opposite. Sigh. Anyway, I did pull a few things from the sermon, specifically to “go with courage”. Which I really, really hope to do this week, but I’m also really, really scared.

Please keep thinking of us and sending us courage through prayers and good thoughts; we need it!

The bad news came

This week has been a really, really bad one, topped off on Friday with the bad news that the family who adopted D's older brother T (19 months) has been found and has "shown interest" in D. i'll let you know how my guts feel once i'm able to travel to 18 states and gather them up, because surely that's how far they were strewn when i was torn to shreds on the inside.

i realize this isn't the end, but it definitely doesn't feel good. The caseworker reminded us that she may decide not to take D, and that legally T isn't D's brother anymore (since T's rights were terminated and he isn't legally D's parents' child anymore) so it doesn't always come down to a case of one parent having the sibling so they automatically get the baby, but that's what it usually boils down to :(.

Here's the interesting back story. T's mom (we're not really sure of her marital status so it could be mom and dad) has 2 daughters, not sure if bio or adopted, and she was wanting to adopt a baby. She knew D/T's mom during a sober patch, and their mom (A) said, "You can adopt my baby and we won't even have to go through DCS." The adopter agreed, got A's address, and turned around and gave it to DCS lol. Probably a wise move. This is how DCS was able to serve her papers. The adopter has had T since birth (was present at the hospital, apparently), and made the comment that she understands how she'd feel if someone tried to take her baby (the word choice was hers), so perhaps she will have empathy. We're just holding on to this and praying that maybe she'd be willing to allow an open relationship between D and T but not move D, but we don't have a whole lot of hope really.

They are going to try to set up a meeting at DCS for next Friday, and we'll get to meet and talk to this lady/family. OMG i am so completely nervous, i just can't even begin to tell you! So this weekend (if poor Alan doesn't have to go to work) will be spent working on D's scrapbook, trying to make it really nice. i think it would be nice for her to see pictures of D over the last almost 7 (!!!) weeks, and maybe she can also see how loved and cared for this little baby really is. God must be sick to death of me and all of my prayers by now.

So obviously none of the rest of the crappy week matters at all except as related to D. Monday, despite the formula switch back to the original Similac RTF, D had a terrible day at the babysitter's, just fussing and fighting her bottle, etc. We also found out that the daycare D was supposed to start at on Monday flaked and gave our spot away. So we spent the rest of the week trying to 1) get D a doctor's appointment, and 2) find another daycare (the babysitter can't take care of her next week because her 16 year old daughter has band camp all week and she doesn't have enough seats in her van for another carseat).

Thankfully we were able to do both. D had her appointment yesterday right after the caseworker visit (bet that waiting room was terrific for Alan, huh?). She weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces, woohoo! Looks like she's growing straight up the growth chart. All along the bottom of the curve, but going up it at least, so that's good. They didn't get her length. The doctor first said, "Sir, all babies spit up." Thank you, Captain Obvious. So Alan gave him the paper i'd typed up listing all her symptoms, the timeline of formula changes, and the things we do to try to make it better, like elevating half her mattress, keeping her upright during and after feeding, etc etc, and how much pain she seems to be in. He also said that the babysitter agrees that she's in pain and very uncomfortable. The doctor said, "Let me look this over and think about it and I'll be back." When he came back, he had a prescription for Zantac (ranatadine or whatever) and a couple of bottles and a can of Similac Sensitive RS formula that already has cereal in it to thicken it. He also didn't get upset that we'd added cereal to her food (yes, i did that horrible thing without a prescription, but i couldn't stand her waiting even a week or two in such pain!), and said he was glad it helped.

On the daycare front, there's an amazing daycare that i'd called originally when looking for daycare that did not have any spots open. Well, as it turns out, they have 2 older babies ready to transition to the toddler room, and they were (and i quote, though i laugh while doing so) "so impressed with D" that they're going to start the transition and take D in. It doesn't hurt that the therapist who sees one of the babysitter's foster kids in home knows the director though lol. Not that D isn't impressive, but it just cracks me up.

OK, i'm off to make some "watch me grow" collages of D next to stuffed animals for the last 6 weeks or so for her scrapbook. Please, if you're the praying type, please say a prayer (or 100) that D is raised in a happy, loving, healthy, nurturing, and most of all SAFE home and family. If that family can be ours, that would be great, but really we just want her to be safe. And if that home isn't with us, please pray that we make it through this. i know we kind of signed up for this as foster parents, but really we had NO IDEA how hard this would be. With the other foster kids, i loved them and wanted the best for them, but they were more like little siblings or niece/nephews and i felt okay about them going home. D is 100% our daughter, maybe not legally and maybe not for long, but our hearts know no different. i honestly don't know how we'll get through this.

i am that woman

So D's eating problems continue, despite changing back to the original formula she seemed to do so well on. i'm 99% sure it's reflux, but at the 1 month appointment, the doctor wasn't concerned despite her meeting *all* the symptoms. Presumably because she wasn't having major issues with crying at that time, but now she is... The only thing is that i thought babies with reflux usually cry when they spit up, not when they eat, but apparently it goes both ways.

Since it takes 2 weeks to get an appointment when not an emergency, and her next appointment is in 2 1/2 weeks, it sucks. i'm not sure that this qualifies as an emergency; i think not since she DOES still eat. It would be an emergency if she's not gaining weight though.

So, i decided to see if she's still gaining weight. How, without an appointment, you say? Well, i did what the WIC nutritionist suggested at her first appointment; i took her to the grocery store and they weighed her. Which was awful to ask about, and awful when they said no, and then they finally said yes. The good news is that, in a onesie and a wet diaper (normally she's just in a dry diaper), she weighed 8.1 pounds. To be on-track for weight gain she needed to weigh at least 7.25 pounds, preferably 7.5 pounds, so she's totally there! In fact, to be sure, i weighed a onesie and a diaper and a bottle worth of water and it weighed 0.35 oz, so her total weight is almost 7 pounds 12 ounces or 7.75 pounds. So she *is* gaining, better than an ounce a day still, so that sets my mind at ease a wee bit.

But the moral of the story is that yes, i am that woman who would nearly break down in hysterics at Kroger in order to have them weigh my baby. True and horribly embarrassing story.

D does tricks

Oh how i wish i could show you the video we took yesterday of D during playtime. First we did floor time with her on a play gym on her back. She has been swatting at toys since seriously about 2 weeks old, but man she was batting those things around like crazy! Sooooo cute. She even grabbed at the toy several times and stopped it, then started it swinging again. She also just smiled and smiled, and verbalized Oohs and Aahs several times. She was so funny, too, because she was using her left hand just from her position on the gym mat (so far she does more with her right hand but it's probably way too early to predicte handed-ness), but she would kick her left leg when she swatted with her right. It was like they were connected.

Then we popped her on her tummy and she scooted around (she's been scooting since pretty much day one if you put your hand underneath her feet), lifted her head and looked around (another trick she's had since way before she's supposed to), and *almost* did a mini-pushup. Honestly this little girl is really good on her milestones so far, way advanced. i think she's going to give us a run for our money when she's a toddler (or sooner as she may learn to crawl or walk early, too) as an active little one.

::crosses fingers that i'll get to post exasperated things next year about how i couldn't sit down for a minute because she was just running around like crazy. please, please let her still be here!::

So we had court today

This was by far the best court date.

The steps as i understand them:
1) A problem is discovered and investigated
2) CPS may remove child
3) DCS files short-term petition on the charges
4) Court hearing about petition to determine temp. custody until a hearing on the charges can be done
5) Permanency meeting to develop permanency plan
6) Permanency hearing (judge approves permanency plan)
7) Hearing about the initial petition (to determine if there was abuse, basically)
8) Various hearings about status of permanency plan (i.e. if plan is RU or reunification with birthparents, hearing will discuss any progress or recommended changes)
9) Petition for Termination of Parental Rights may be filed (assuming plan isn't going well)
10) TPR hearing; parents may lose rights to child and child may be placed with relative, emancipated (for older teens), or made available for adoption.

Today was supposed to be a combination of the hearing at step 4 (because it's been postponed twice before due to birthparents no-showing) and step 6. It was a new judge, or "referee", and we really like him so far. He included us much more than has ever happened before.

So as you may recall, DCS produced a concurrent permanency plan of A) reunification with birthparents and B) exit to relatives, contrary to the fact that there've been 3 previous TPR's of older siblings and no contact by the BP's or relatives, and the fact that none of the relatives can pass a background check. i had been under the impression that the person(s) who adopted D's older sibs were relatives, but now i'm not sure; i just have no idea. Anyway, with the possible exception of them, no relatives could pass background checks,, and yet this was DCS's plan.

The judge said, "So i have a permanency plan in front of me that is concurrent between RU and exit to relatives. Why the heck would i do that?" Yes, he said that. ::Hopes soar at this point::

The ultimate end result of today's "hearing" (which lasted about 10 minutes total, and half of that was someone contacting the birthfather's attorney) was postponement until July 31. July 31's court hearing will be a combination of step 4, step 6, and step 7 (basically to determine the permanency plan and to determine that there is, indeed, reason to remove the child from the parents and to confirm the allegations -- which are pretty much indisputable actually so the case should go quickly).

We left really liking the judge and really liking the Guardian Ad Litem (D's attorney, basically), who spent a few minutes after the hearing explaining the steps to us. He was very complimentary about how well we were caring for D, asked some questions about whether we have other kids, etc, and was just a nice guy.

The judge we liked because he included us in the procedings, asked if we understood what was going on, and made sure we were available on the 31st. He also had a funny exchange (apparently only Alan's name was on the paperwork in front of him, thank you DCS). He asked Alan, "Are you Mr. Lastname?" "Yes, Your Honor." "Then who are you?" (to me). "i'm Mrs. Lastname." He laughed and said, "Oh, good, there's a Mrs. Lastname. Do you have a first name?" LOL

Since it was all over by 11:30 and Alan didn't have to be at work until 1, we went out to lunch at my favorite sub shop, and then went to the tv station to introduce D to Alan's coworkers. She met some minor local celebrities! (lol here) But it was fun, and we headed home, and here i am :).

Have i mentioned lately how amazing this little girl is? She's 5 1/2 weeks, and last night she rolled over from front to back. She smiles a lot now, and she has been swatting toys for weeks and even reaches for them at times. She's hitting all the milestones and beating most of them by miles. i may be a wee bit proud!

i can't believe it's been over a month!

D came a month ago Friday, and what a month it's been! She's just the sweetest little baby. She's changed so much. When she first arrived, she was so very tiny, and looked like a new red potato. Now she's gained 20% of her starting weight and looks like an actual baby (though she's still only at the weight normal babies are born at, poor girl). She's using her head/neck like a champ. During tummy time she can hold her head up for quite a few seconds and look around, and if she's vertical or at a 45 degree angle, she holds her head up all by herself pretty much all the time when awake. She's started smiling, and i really think she may start rolling over from front to back any time. She gets up on her side and then falls back on her tummy lol. Just another inch and she'll have it!

She breaks her swaddle every night. Strong little thing! i ordered some Swaddle Me's from Amazon; i hope they arrive soon.

We've had some problems the last few days with feeding. i think i mentioned before, but because she's in foster care, D is eligible for WIC, and they give free formula at this age. They give out the orange can of Good Start powder. She started out on Similac Advance ready-to-feed, and did well enough on it that i didn't want to switch too soon or too suddenly, so we first transitioned to Similac Advance powder (no problems to note) and then started slowly mixing the powders (they have the same size scoops so *that's* not a problem). We started with 3 parts Similac to 1 part Good Start, but it's not going well. We've had 2 incidents now where she has been in so much discomfort while feeding that she just screams at her bottle. This has never happened before. It's hard to tell if it's A) the formula transition and perhaps gas or some other problem from that, B) constipation -- she's still going but not as often, and she likes to poop while she eats, so it could be straining while eating, C) reflux from the formula transition or it's starting to be painful. She's always been a spitter upper after about every other meal, but she was a happy spitter-upper. Still is actually, but hates to actually eat. And once she screams at the food, she's pretty much a screamer for the rest of the day. Poor baby! She just seems like she's in so much pain, and it just makes me cry for her. Even when she was withdrawing from the drugs she didn't seem like she was physically hurting as much as this (of course there were other symptoms...). It just tears my heart up inside.

Why am i up at 5 am, you may ask? Because the endo pain is just absolutely unbearable. So i figured i'd give you an update on everyone's favorite invisible baby, which i'm sure you all appreciate ;).

Today SHOULD have been eventful

D's caseworker was supposed to come by at 9 am, but no showed. 10 was D's 1 month appointment at the doctor, and i'm proud to say she is gaining a lot! She's up to 6 pounds, 14 ounces, so well over a pound more than 2 weeks ago! That's more than an ounce a day, yay! Her height stayed the same, but i think they did it wrong last week. So that's great! The only thing she's keeping an eye on is her eyes. If they don't improve by 2 months, she'll go to the opthalmalogist, so keep her eyes in your prayers.

Then at 1 we had portraits taken at Olan Mills. i'm really disappointed that it's the stupid "baby in a bucket" style of photos, but at least we will have some. i sprung for the CD so we can print our own.

That's the major news. Laying low for the long weekend.