i was at dinner with an internet friend and missed Alan's call. He texted me "Call McFurfle". It's a dumb nickname i made up. He's Alan McFallon, which became other variations including McFurfle.
The lady from the state called and told him we were approved! He was busy at work so he didn't get a lot of details about *what* exactly we're approved for (ages, number of kids, etc). We were told about 6 months ago during our interviews that we would be submitted for foster age 4-7 or adoption age 2-7, but sometimes things get changed when they get written up, so who knows. i'm also curious how many kids we would be approved for, since we can take 2, maybe (in a pinch) 3, if they're the same gender.
We are supposed to be loaded into the system tomorrow (meaning next month), and should get our letter of approval soon (meaning midsummer), and could have a placement any day (meaning Christmas). But it's still great news and i'll take it!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Long time no write
i'm so sorry it's been so long since i've updated. i've been feeling really low lately, from the endo pain which seems to be getting longer and longer in spells and from the feelings of depression that creep up on me. Even when the physical pain isn't in full force, there's that knowledge that i only have a few "free" days without it before it comes back. Honestly sometimes i think the dreading of it is worse than the actual pain, though it's not exactly a picnic in the park either. It's almost comforting to know there's some physical pain to compliment the hidden emotional pain i've been feeling.
But enough of that. i'm trying to be more positive. On Thursday i have my annual exam with my OB/GYN in which i will be able to discuss in more detail the upcoming IVF. She won't be performing it, of course, but she's had been through 2 IVF cycles personally (and has 2 beautiful kids!), and i think she knows the doctors pretty well and can hopefully recommend one who will work well with us. i don't want a repeat of the first meeting with an RE at that office, for sure! i also have some thoughts about some of the fertility clinic's "prerequisites" for IVF, namely the SPA (aka the "hamster egg test") and the anti-sperm antibody tests for both of us. These tests would normally be done as part of the initial infertility workup on patients, and we already know our fertiliy issues break down to 2 things: 1) my endometriosis and tubal issues, and 2) somewhat poor sperm on Alan's side. The first one = IVF and the second one = ICSI.
ICSI is "inter-cytoplasmic sperm injection", where they use a very very tiny pipette and suck one single good-looking sperm into it, and then inject it straight into the egg to fertilize the egg. They do this with all the eggs that are mature, or sometimes they do it with half the eggs if there are plenty, and then watch the embryos to see which turn out the best, and use those for the Embryo Transfer.
As it appears to me, if someone has a bad hamster egg test, or if they have anti-sperm antibodies, it could mean that couple needs to do ICSI. Okay, fine, but we already know we need ICSI. i don't want to pay another $1000-2000 in tests to tell us we need a $1500 procedure we already know we need (on top of the $12-15k procedure we are doing as well). KWIM? So i definitely want to ask the doctor about that.
OK, so one thing i've worked on during my pathetic blogging absence is things NOT to say to a woman. There are of course tons (like, "Yes, honey, that dress does make you look a little fat", as every man knows), but these are things i've learned through infertility. i hope you enjoy:
Infertility or fertility treatments:
When are you going to have kids?
You’re not getting any younger. You’d better get started?
Why don’t you “just adopt”? (As if the adoption process is like snapping your fingers.)
OMG are you crazy!?! You’re going to end up like that octomom!
I think the government ought to outlaw infertility treatments.
Be thankful! Kids are a lot of work!
Pregnancy:
When are you due? (Don’t ask unless you’re 100% sure she’s pregnant, and even then
I’m sure it gets old fast!)
Are you having twins?
It’s going to be a BIG baby!
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? (There’s no right answer here other than “All we want is
a healthy baby”, and it’s another one that gets old).
Miscarriage:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
That probably means there was a problem with the baby anyway.
Adoption:
It’s a shame you can’t have your own kids. (Any child someone adopts IS their own child!)
I don’t think I could raise someone else’s child. (See above).
What if her real mom wants her back in a few years?
How much did/will he cost?
Don’t you have to be rich to adopt?
Oh? You’re adopting? When do you go to China? (NOT everyone adopts from China, or
internationally for that matter!)
Why do you want to deal with someone else’s messes? (A child is NOT a mess!)
(horror) How could she just give up her own baby?!? Oh, I guess that's good for people like
you.
Transracial Adoption
Can I touch her hair?
What country is your husband from?
Are you the babysitter?
Did you HAVE him?
Foster/Adoption
(whisper) Was she a crack baby?
I couldn’t foster; I’d get to attached. (As if those who do are some kind of unfeeling
monsters!)
How can you give him back?
And on closing, i started a new book about the IF journey called "Having a Baby" by Cindy Margolis, who apparently is famous (i'm clueless about such things) and came out about her own fertility journey, eventually becoming spokesperson for RESOLVE (the national infertility support group). It's pretty good so far, it's more about her journey but it has a lot of info in it as well. i'm finding it to be very empowering, but maybe a little aggressive (i.e. she suggests that people who've been off birth control for "several months" to seek a fertility specialist, when most RE's won't see patients until they've been ttc unsuccessfully for a full year). But the empowerment and humor are things i can definitely use right now!
But enough of that. i'm trying to be more positive. On Thursday i have my annual exam with my OB/GYN in which i will be able to discuss in more detail the upcoming IVF. She won't be performing it, of course, but she's had been through 2 IVF cycles personally (and has 2 beautiful kids!), and i think she knows the doctors pretty well and can hopefully recommend one who will work well with us. i don't want a repeat of the first meeting with an RE at that office, for sure! i also have some thoughts about some of the fertility clinic's "prerequisites" for IVF, namely the SPA (aka the "hamster egg test") and the anti-sperm antibody tests for both of us. These tests would normally be done as part of the initial infertility workup on patients, and we already know our fertiliy issues break down to 2 things: 1) my endometriosis and tubal issues, and 2) somewhat poor sperm on Alan's side. The first one = IVF and the second one = ICSI.
ICSI is "inter-cytoplasmic sperm injection", where they use a very very tiny pipette and suck one single good-looking sperm into it, and then inject it straight into the egg to fertilize the egg. They do this with all the eggs that are mature, or sometimes they do it with half the eggs if there are plenty, and then watch the embryos to see which turn out the best, and use those for the Embryo Transfer.
As it appears to me, if someone has a bad hamster egg test, or if they have anti-sperm antibodies, it could mean that couple needs to do ICSI. Okay, fine, but we already know we need ICSI. i don't want to pay another $1000-2000 in tests to tell us we need a $1500 procedure we already know we need (on top of the $12-15k procedure we are doing as well). KWIM? So i definitely want to ask the doctor about that.
OK, so one thing i've worked on during my pathetic blogging absence is things NOT to say to a woman. There are of course tons (like, "Yes, honey, that dress does make you look a little fat", as every man knows), but these are things i've learned through infertility. i hope you enjoy:
Infertility or fertility treatments:
When are you going to have kids?
You’re not getting any younger. You’d better get started?
Why don’t you “just adopt”? (As if the adoption process is like snapping your fingers.)
OMG are you crazy!?! You’re going to end up like that octomom!
I think the government ought to outlaw infertility treatments.
Be thankful! Kids are a lot of work!
Pregnancy:
When are you due? (Don’t ask unless you’re 100% sure she’s pregnant, and even then
I’m sure it gets old fast!)
Are you having twins?
It’s going to be a BIG baby!
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl? (There’s no right answer here other than “All we want is
a healthy baby”, and it’s another one that gets old).
Miscarriage:
At least you know you can get pregnant.
That probably means there was a problem with the baby anyway.
Adoption:
It’s a shame you can’t have your own kids. (Any child someone adopts IS their own child!)
I don’t think I could raise someone else’s child. (See above).
What if her real mom wants her back in a few years?
How much did/will he cost?
Don’t you have to be rich to adopt?
Oh? You’re adopting? When do you go to China? (NOT everyone adopts from China, or
internationally for that matter!)
Why do you want to deal with someone else’s messes? (A child is NOT a mess!)
(horror) How could she just give up her own baby?!? Oh, I guess that's good for people like
you.
Transracial Adoption
Can I touch her hair?
What country is your husband from?
Are you the babysitter?
Did you HAVE him?
Foster/Adoption
(whisper) Was she a crack baby?
I couldn’t foster; I’d get to attached. (As if those who do are some kind of unfeeling
monsters!)
How can you give him back?
And on closing, i started a new book about the IF journey called "Having a Baby" by Cindy Margolis, who apparently is famous (i'm clueless about such things) and came out about her own fertility journey, eventually becoming spokesperson for RESOLVE (the national infertility support group). It's pretty good so far, it's more about her journey but it has a lot of info in it as well. i'm finding it to be very empowering, but maybe a little aggressive (i.e. she suggests that people who've been off birth control for "several months" to seek a fertility specialist, when most RE's won't see patients until they've been ttc unsuccessfully for a full year). But the empowerment and humor are things i can definitely use right now!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Blood tests are back!
i'm normal! This is very hard for some to believe, but i have the blood tests to prove it!
Holy crap! i think we're going to do IVF! This is so weird, because 2 weeks ago i was completely over the possibility of having biological kids and just wanted to adopt, the sooner the better. Now that's all been turned upside down.
i'm completely stunned!
Holy crap! i think we're going to do IVF! This is so weird, because 2 weeks ago i was completely over the possibility of having biological kids and just wanted to adopt, the sooner the better. Now that's all been turned upside down.
i'm completely stunned!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
At a loss for a title
Alan and i went to see "Taken" this afternoon. It was... well, if you can suspend disbelief, it didn't totally suck.
Anyway, about 2/3 of the way through the movie, Alan's phone vibrated and he ran out to check the call. i figured it was his work or he would have ignored it and called back. Sometimes his work (tv station) will call and want to know where he left a tape or something. After about 5 minutes, i went to check on him in case it was something more serious.
It was the "director" Alan's been dealing with at DCS. i put "director" in quotes because at this point i strongly suggest she's nothing higher up than the case worker's supervisor. She said there was some more paperwork needed (minor stuff, like they'd given us an old W-9 form and needed it updated, i'd missed a date on a signature, that kind of stuff). Why they didn't notice the other 1700 times that something has been missing (previously mostly due to an overzealous shredder), i cannot say.
So we went to DCS after the movie and filled out that stuff, and listened to non-apologies about how we happened to catch them at a bad time (not today but the last several months, i guess), etc etc. And were told the only person who might hold it up is her supervisor. Huh? i thought she was the supervisor? Hence the comment from the previous paragraph.
Sigh. It doesn't feel like we're any closer than we were in October when our former case worker brought some paperwork by for me to sign, promising to turn our home study in that afternoon. Double sigh.
Anyway, about 2/3 of the way through the movie, Alan's phone vibrated and he ran out to check the call. i figured it was his work or he would have ignored it and called back. Sometimes his work (tv station) will call and want to know where he left a tape or something. After about 5 minutes, i went to check on him in case it was something more serious.
It was the "director" Alan's been dealing with at DCS. i put "director" in quotes because at this point i strongly suggest she's nothing higher up than the case worker's supervisor. She said there was some more paperwork needed (minor stuff, like they'd given us an old W-9 form and needed it updated, i'd missed a date on a signature, that kind of stuff). Why they didn't notice the other 1700 times that something has been missing (previously mostly due to an overzealous shredder), i cannot say.
So we went to DCS after the movie and filled out that stuff, and listened to non-apologies about how we happened to catch them at a bad time (not today but the last several months, i guess), etc etc. And were told the only person who might hold it up is her supervisor. Huh? i thought she was the supervisor? Hence the comment from the previous paragraph.
Sigh. It doesn't feel like we're any closer than we were in October when our former case worker brought some paperwork by for me to sign, promising to turn our home study in that afternoon. Double sigh.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Nothing much
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dear Kiddo,
When I first wrote you eleven (!) months ago, I had no idea that nearly a year would go by and I wouldn’t be noticeably any closer than I was back then. It’s a good thing, or I’m sure my first letters would have been filled with anger instead of so much hope and love. Because love you, I do! And hope for you, I do that, too!
Oh, sweet little one, when will you come home? How will you come home? Will you be a baby in our arms or a gangly pre-teen ready to swear at us? It doesn’t matter; we will still love you. Always and forever we will love you, and always and forever we will hope for you.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
SHYAM,
Mommy
Okay, folks, i'm having a bad day. This was the closest i could come to positive and upbeat. i'm in a lot of pain; it looks like the doctor's prediction of pain lasting about a week twice a month is proving to be true :(. i've had about 5 days of painlessness, and now i'm near ovulation and in pain again. i'm sitting at work with my heating pad in my lap trying to pretend like i'm just really cold to ward off the stares from coworkers, and reality is really sucking at the moment.
i think i didn't post about my freaky dream the other night, but you might get a laugh out of this. Honestly i have no idea how to interpret this. Please don't have me committed!
i dreamt that Alan and i decided to do IVF, and i went to the hospital for the embryo transfer, and we left the hospital with twin girls. Only one was about 3-4 months old, and the other was more like i'd only been pregnant 3 or 4 months. You know, very small (certainly bigger than actually 12-16 weeks gestation but probably only a pound or two still) and looked kind of like an alien dinosaur.
When we left the hospital, the twins were hungry so we had to stop at a restaurant on the way home to feed them. Yeah, i know. And the nurses had told us that since the tiny twin needed more nutrition, i was supposed to breastfeed her, and Alan was supposed to breastfeed the bigger girl who didn't need as much nutrition. i remember asking him to take off his jacket and put it over my HEAD while i breastfed. Yeah, i know.
So i kept trying to breastfeed "my" baby, and her head was impossible to support and lolled around. i kept having to check that she was still alive because she surely had broken her neck. Thankfully she was okay. When she did latch on, she could barely fit the very very end of my nipple in her mouth, and left a bloody circle around it. She would drink one drop and fall asleep and i'd keep having to wake her up, and struggle with supporting her head again.
Meanwhile Alan's twin finished her meal, sat up and said, "Yummy, Daddy! Thanks!"
Yeah, i'm sane.
Dear Kiddo,
When I first wrote you eleven (!) months ago, I had no idea that nearly a year would go by and I wouldn’t be noticeably any closer than I was back then. It’s a good thing, or I’m sure my first letters would have been filled with anger instead of so much hope and love. Because love you, I do! And hope for you, I do that, too!
Oh, sweet little one, when will you come home? How will you come home? Will you be a baby in our arms or a gangly pre-teen ready to swear at us? It doesn’t matter; we will still love you. Always and forever we will love you, and always and forever we will hope for you.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
SHYAM,
Mommy
Okay, folks, i'm having a bad day. This was the closest i could come to positive and upbeat. i'm in a lot of pain; it looks like the doctor's prediction of pain lasting about a week twice a month is proving to be true :(. i've had about 5 days of painlessness, and now i'm near ovulation and in pain again. i'm sitting at work with my heating pad in my lap trying to pretend like i'm just really cold to ward off the stares from coworkers, and reality is really sucking at the moment.
i think i didn't post about my freaky dream the other night, but you might get a laugh out of this. Honestly i have no idea how to interpret this. Please don't have me committed!
i dreamt that Alan and i decided to do IVF, and i went to the hospital for the embryo transfer, and we left the hospital with twin girls. Only one was about 3-4 months old, and the other was more like i'd only been pregnant 3 or 4 months. You know, very small (certainly bigger than actually 12-16 weeks gestation but probably only a pound or two still) and looked kind of like an alien dinosaur.
When we left the hospital, the twins were hungry so we had to stop at a restaurant on the way home to feed them. Yeah, i know. And the nurses had told us that since the tiny twin needed more nutrition, i was supposed to breastfeed her, and Alan was supposed to breastfeed the bigger girl who didn't need as much nutrition. i remember asking him to take off his jacket and put it over my HEAD while i breastfed. Yeah, i know.
So i kept trying to breastfeed "my" baby, and her head was impossible to support and lolled around. i kept having to check that she was still alive because she surely had broken her neck. Thankfully she was okay. When she did latch on, she could barely fit the very very end of my nipple in her mouth, and left a bloody circle around it. She would drink one drop and fall asleep and i'd keep having to wake her up, and struggle with supporting her head again.
Meanwhile Alan's twin finished her meal, sat up and said, "Yummy, Daddy! Thanks!"
Yeah, i'm sane.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Nothing new today
But i spent some time today admiring the kids at www.adoptuskids.org. There's one little boy i've been admiring for a few weeks who is still listed, and a new one popped up who looks just like a young Obama :). These kids are amazing and i hope we can bring one into our lives sooooon!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
If you can call this an update
County director (whom DH has been talking to) left a message last night with some updates.
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
First, our caseworker is resigning. Not sure what to think about that. She's incompetent, but it could be a while before another CW picks up her cases, you know?
Second, she has a minor question about our fencing. We have a creek (dry except after heavy rain) that runs through our backyard. We have a fence for the dogs that is between the house and the creek, so for all intents and purposes, the creek is fenced off. But the way the homestudy was written, it wasn't clear if the creek was inside or outside the fence.
Third, the background check that was not done correctly that was supposedly resubmitted in December and came back in January fine, was endorsed and everything, wasn't done and must be redone. More lies, or just incompetence? Not sure yet.
Fourth, the second set of documents that was shredded that we resubmitted in December was lost... again.
Right, and these are the people keeping children safe in the state of Tennessee. Or is it the state of denial?
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