Positive Discipline/Unconditional Parenting

Friday night and Saturday morning i took a "Positive Discipline" seminar at Abintra Montessori in Nashville. This was a seminar based on the series of PD books by Jane Nelson; i've read "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years". i liked that book well enough, but once again it was mostly "distract and redirect", which just isn't effective for all kids, namely Char (or i'm ineffectual at it).

i liked the seminar a lot, because it helped really bridge the gap between the principles of Positive Discipline and the very thorough research in the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. UP writes like a very long research paper, full of footnotes to support his hypotheses, but is really thought-provoking if nothing else. But it's more than that; it really lays the groundwork for PD.

Here's the basic idea: Traditional parenting styles consisting of punishments and rewards (which Kohn dubs as "love withdrawal" and "conditional parenting") -- even gentler punishments like time outs vs. spanking, and all types of rewards from sticker charts to everyday praise -- are "doing to" techniques. Unconditional Parenting (and Positive Discipline fits in here nicely) is "working with" techniques. To put it another way, if you punish kids for misbehavior or reward them for "good" behavior, they learn to behave how you want them to out of fear, or out of a desire to please the parent/teacher/etc. Positive Discipline techniques teach the kids about the effects of their actions on other people, and thus kids learn to "behave" from a moral pull to treat people well rather than fear of or desire to please the parents. i've always thought i'd rather my child say "thank you" 9 out of 10 times on their own than to say it 10 out of 10 times when i'm present only because i was right there ready to remind them if they forget ("What do you say?").

i think this philosophy dovetails beautifully with PD. What the seminar really did for me is to bring the two books/philosophies together, and to put perspective on some of the parts of "Unconditional Parenting" that i really struggled with. For example, the praise thing. The PD guide said to think of encouragement as the protein, carbs, and nutrients, and praise as like the sugar. You don't have to completely withhold all praise, but use it sparingly so they don't become addicted.

Praise vs. Encouragement: Praise:

• Good job!


• Pretty drawing!


• Good girl!


• You're so smart!


• I'm proud of you!

Encouragement:

• You did it by yourself! (best to specify what the child accomplished more specifically)


• How did you decide to use blue for the hair?


• When you set the table, it makes it easier for me to get dinner ready.


• See how far you've come? Keep trying! I know you can do it!


• You should be proud of yourself!

The big difference is that praise usually includes a value judgment of what the parent expects the child to do. Kohn suggests that if the child is used to a steady diet of praise, they may become discouraged if they don't live up to the parent's praise standards. Also, studies have shown that children who are praised for something lose interest in that activity (i.e. kids who are frequently told that they are good at art tend to lose interest in art faster than those whose parents show interest without judgment), which is one of the bases of Montessori education.

And thus, it all comes full circle for me :).