The night before the appointment

The night before the appointment finds me anxious. On the one hand, what if my sweet, precious, precocious girl has SPD? i know it doesn't actually change anything. She'll be the same girl no matter what, we'll just know more about her. Still... it changes things. It puts a name to something. It invites judgment from those who don't "believe in" this particular condition. i've heard of it referred to as "the new ADHD" and "autism light". Some people will say she just needs a good spanking. Others will criticize when i push her to her limits and maybe they feel like i'm being too hard on her. (And sometimes i will be, because i WILL screw up, but i'll be doing the best i can and what i think she needs at the time.)

And on the other hand, what if she doesn't have SPD? What if there's no "explanation" (have you noticed i'm quotation mark heavy tonight. Sorry...) and she's just a difficult child, maybe even a bully. Now, i don't think for a second that even if she IS a bully at 16 months, it doesn't mean she will be in a month or a year or ten years. Still, it's a blow to my parenting confidence, you know. And it brings up again the very real possibility that we'll be asked to pull Char from her school, and i can't tell you how much we love her school. She is doing SO well there, and i adore the Montessori principles, and they do a good job with them there. Plus what will it really accomplish? i mean, sure, it helps the school some and protects the other kids from her, but it doesn't help Char or the underlying problems at all. i fear it would turn into playing musical daycares, staying somewhere until they can't deal with the biting and she gets kicked out again. There were seriously only 2 daycares/preschools that we really liked that were within reasonable driving distance of our home/work. And while the other is nice, i don't think Charlotte would THRIVE there the way she does at her current school.

And on the third hand (i must be some sort of space-alien creature here), what if she is misdiagnosed with it, or the opposite and she's not diagnosed when she really has it? And because of this third hand and the niggling doubt, will we/i ever really feel confident in the diagnosis or lack thereof?

And lastly, how does my husband feel about all this? Sometimes i feel like i'm driving the train and he's along for the ride. Don't misunderstand; he's the BEST daddy in the world! But he usually sits back and lets me lead on the parenting, and (being the overanalytical space alien i am) i worry what he's really thinking about it. i hope he's okay and that tomorrow is satsfying for both of us. Well, all 3 really.