Parenting is the Opposite of Pet Ownership!

The more i read about being the kind of parent i want to be, the more i realize i have SO much to learn! And the more i realize that pet ownership, in particular dog training, is actually counterproductive to that goal.

First, what kind of parent do i want to be? Well, i would prefer to focus on what gifts i hope to give my children. What i want for my kids is for them to be individuals who are confident, creative, and empathetic and sensitive as adults. i tend to worry far too much about what others think of me, whether i am liked, and in particular about what authority figures think of me. The idea of disappointing my parents kept me from a lot of things that could have been good and could have been bad, but could have been MINE. For example, i didn't live in the kind of home in college and after college because i didn't want to disappoint them. i never did get that nose ring i've wanted since i was 13. i didn't go to the kind of college i wanted to go to because my parents told me i couldn't leave the state. i married the wrong man (my first husband) too early because i felt some internal pressure to do so (all my brothers and sisters were married and had kids already by this point; of course they're all 5+ years older than i!), and i stayed in that marriage far too long because i feared what my family thought of me "giving up" (despite the fact that 2 of my sisters were divorced and remarried!). i worry about praise at work, and when i don't get it, i burn out quickly. My parents were wonderful in so many ways, but i think this is a direct result of both my personality and my parents' parenting of me. Needless to say, i don't desire this for my kids.

A lot of what i've been reading, from authors like Alfie Kohn and Lawrence Cohen and Adele Faber/Elaine Mazlish, propose that this is too often a result of parents, perhaps innocently, using value judgments around their kids. Instead of saying, "i'm proud of you" (which puts the emphasis on what the parent feels -- pride over the child's actions -- instead of what the child feels -- pride over accomplishing something difficult or doing the "right" thing), one is encouraged to say, "i bet you're proud of yourself" (which puts the emphasis on what the child feels while giving it a name so the child can recognize it, and encourages the child to seek out actions that cause similar feelings of pride rather than simply seeking out praise from the parents and teachers). Instead of saying, "Good job!" (which is a value judgment, perhaps it's positive but it's still a value judgment as much as saying "Bad job" is), one is encouraged to ask questions, like "How did you figure out how to make the tree look so real?"

Now, some may disagree with this style of parenting (here i go again trying not to piss anyone off), or may think it goes too far (and probably it can), but it makes a lot of sense to me, probably because i DON'T have the traits i want for my kids. But as a long-time pet owner and sometimes dog trainer, i CAN tell you that positive praise is pretty much the staple of dog training. As a praise and approval junkie (both giving and receiving), i can tell you that this is not going to be an easy transition for me!