Knock wood, it seems like Char is starting to sleep better and longer. Still about an hour short of her previous norm, but she's not so cranky/overtired the last few days and that helps a LOT.
If i didn't mention it before, i'm now reading a book called "Unconditional Parenting", which is just blowing my mind. It's about rewards AND punishment, praise AND shame being equally bad, and not "withdrawing" love when a child misbehaves (i.e. withholding regular bedtime routine if a child misbehaves and calling it a "privilege" or even time outs being "love withdrawal"). i'm about halfway through and so far the book is about research proving why those things are bad, but he hasn't put any alternatives in yet. i can't wait until i get there! i'm sure i will be blogging about it a bit because it's seriously exciting.
At the same time, it's scary. It's scary because i was raised with love withdrawals (i.e. silent treatments and lectures) and punishments (i.e. groundings, shame, and spankings), and most of the parenting books i've read and what i've been trying to put into practice involve positive discipline, natural/logical consequences, and rewards. In other words, the book so far attacks not just what i've known is the type of parenting i DON'T want to do, but also the type of parenting i've been striving toward.
Of course, i may not agree with the book, and i may not change my parenting style or try to comingle to two styles. But it sure is making me think. And that, alone, is pretty scary!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Toddler Bed Hell
Well, i spoke too soon when i said that things were going okay with the toddler bed. Char is having a pretty sizable regression when it comes to sleep. She cries and gets out of bed (if we don't lock the door, she comes downstairs) if i don't sing "You Are My Sunshine" to her over and over (and over and over) until she's asleep, and that's all that will (sometimes) get her back to sleep. She's gotten up between 4:30-5 am for the last 3 or 4 mornings, also, and not going to sleep again at all. Naps are also not so great, 30-45 minutes if she takes one.
This is also coming in conjunction with (obviously) the toddler bed transition, which is a big one, the last 2 canine teeth coming in, and she's getting a cold as well. So, while i am not 100% opposed to sleep training at this age, i wouldn't do it with a sick, scared child who's also in pain. So, deep breath, this too shall pass.
The good news is that she's not in a super terrible mood, considering. DH and i are, LOL, but thank goodness she's in an average to good mood.
This is also coming in conjunction with (obviously) the toddler bed transition, which is a big one, the last 2 canine teeth coming in, and she's getting a cold as well. So, while i am not 100% opposed to sleep training at this age, i wouldn't do it with a sick, scared child who's also in pain. So, deep breath, this too shall pass.
The good news is that she's not in a super terrible mood, considering. DH and i are, LOL, but thank goodness she's in an average to good mood.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Letter to my Best Buddy
Dear Charlotte,
i've never wanted anything more than to be your mommy. Thank you for being you. You astound me every day!
Love, Mommy
i've never wanted anything more than to be your mommy. Thank you for being you. You astound me every day!
Love, Mommy
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Purpose of Discipline
The other day I did something stupid. I misled my boss. Some would argue that I lied to him. I asked him for advice, and I knew better than to ask him for parenting advice. He’s not the kind of parent I want to be.
My boss has 5 kids, ranging from 16 to mid-30’s, all girls. And they’re all good girls, too; he’s never had any real discipline problems from them. They’ve all gotten good grades in school, gone to private Christian colleges (well, the older 4 so far), and the older three have married good Christian men. They volunteer their time and money, and they are truly wonderful people. So why would I not want to parent like him? Mostly because he parents like my parents did. He is a strong advocate for spanking.
Now, before anyone reads too much into my words, let me say that I am not 100% anti-spanking. Honestly, I’m not. I don’t consider spanking to be abuse (certainly it CAN be abuse, but so can tickling or even kissing if you do it excessively and beyond the point of pleasure for the recipient. I can see the headline now “’Turkish Kissing Torture’ to be discontinued, per Pentagon”). I don’t even necessarily consider it bad parenting. It’s just not *my* parenting.
I ask myself some questions, starting with “What is the purpose of disciplining my child?” The answer is not “to control her behavior to make the next 16 ½ years easier for myself”, but “to help her grow up to be a kind, respectful, empathetic, self-assured, and independent young woman”. Spanking her for normal toddler (or whatever age) behaviors does not seem like it would teach her self-confidence, independence, or kindness, or even true respect (fear =/= respect). My primary purpose is not to curb annoying behaviors (though the urge is strong at times, certainly, and I’ve given in to it more than a few times), but rather to help her to just grow up and be a good person. And I don’t see spanking as a requirement to that.
I am, in my opinion, a prime example of why “I was spanked and I turned out fine” is not a good answer. I was spanked, and quite honestly I do not think I turned out fine. Sure, I never really misbehaved. Even through teen years, my rebellions were minimal. As an adult I am still afraid of letting my deceased mother down and feel guilt when I do things I know she wouldn’t approve of. I work, I contribute more to society through my paid and unpaid acts than I take from it, but I do not have confidence. I do not feel useful, or appreciated outside of my wonderful husband. I don’t have much to be proud of, and I do not feel pride. Instead I feel embarrassed that I have so few friends, that I don’t have any hobbies or talents that I am really good at, or passionate about. I feel worthless at work.
I do not, ever, want my daughter to feel these things. And yet I know that I cannot prevent most of those feelings at some point. I just hope that I can help her build a foundation of self-confidence now and throughout her childhood so she can deal with them better than I have.
My boss has 5 kids, ranging from 16 to mid-30’s, all girls. And they’re all good girls, too; he’s never had any real discipline problems from them. They’ve all gotten good grades in school, gone to private Christian colleges (well, the older 4 so far), and the older three have married good Christian men. They volunteer their time and money, and they are truly wonderful people. So why would I not want to parent like him? Mostly because he parents like my parents did. He is a strong advocate for spanking.
Now, before anyone reads too much into my words, let me say that I am not 100% anti-spanking. Honestly, I’m not. I don’t consider spanking to be abuse (certainly it CAN be abuse, but so can tickling or even kissing if you do it excessively and beyond the point of pleasure for the recipient. I can see the headline now “’Turkish Kissing Torture’ to be discontinued, per Pentagon”). I don’t even necessarily consider it bad parenting. It’s just not *my* parenting.
I ask myself some questions, starting with “What is the purpose of disciplining my child?” The answer is not “to control her behavior to make the next 16 ½ years easier for myself”, but “to help her grow up to be a kind, respectful, empathetic, self-assured, and independent young woman”. Spanking her for normal toddler (or whatever age) behaviors does not seem like it would teach her self-confidence, independence, or kindness, or even true respect (fear =/= respect). My primary purpose is not to curb annoying behaviors (though the urge is strong at times, certainly, and I’ve given in to it more than a few times), but rather to help her to just grow up and be a good person. And I don’t see spanking as a requirement to that.
I am, in my opinion, a prime example of why “I was spanked and I turned out fine” is not a good answer. I was spanked, and quite honestly I do not think I turned out fine. Sure, I never really misbehaved. Even through teen years, my rebellions were minimal. As an adult I am still afraid of letting my deceased mother down and feel guilt when I do things I know she wouldn’t approve of. I work, I contribute more to society through my paid and unpaid acts than I take from it, but I do not have confidence. I do not feel useful, or appreciated outside of my wonderful husband. I don’t have much to be proud of, and I do not feel pride. Instead I feel embarrassed that I have so few friends, that I don’t have any hobbies or talents that I am really good at, or passionate about. I feel worthless at work.
I do not, ever, want my daughter to feel these things. And yet I know that I cannot prevent most of those feelings at some point. I just hope that I can help her build a foundation of self-confidence now and throughout her childhood so she can deal with them better than I have.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Toddler bed
It had to happen sometime. Charlotte, my little spider-girl, finally climbed out of her crib.
It started 2 weekends ago when i took her to Knoxville and had her sleep in the PnP and she climbed right out. It took 90 minutes to get her to sleep the first night because she made it a game. If she sat up and i did nothing, she would climb out. If she sat up and i said, "Lie down" or whatever, or if i put my hand on her to guide her back to a lying down position, she would giggle and flop down, and a few seconds later she'd sit back up again. In a hotel, i didn't really have much choice. i just put her back down 40,000 times until she finally fell asleep. The second night wasn't as bad; she fell asleep after 30 minutes, but it was still a game.
Then last Thursday, the nanny put her in the crib so she could go to the restroom, and Char climbed right out. Uh-oh, danger Will Robinson! So we put the toddler bed together on Saturday and tried to get her used to the idea, but had no luck getting her to nap on it during the weekend or so far this week. i was still using the crib at night, until last night.
Last night she wanted an owl spreader (like a dull knife; butter spreader type thing with an owl on the handle) that somehow made its way into her room. That's not such a safe thing to have in a crib, even if it is blunt, so i didn't let her have it. Commence tantrum. This child doesn't forget things! So... when i put her to bed, she climbed out and came downstairs. Nice. (Or not). Three times she got out of bed, and i tried rocking her, i tried sitting nearby and essentially repeating the pack and play shenanigans, and when it was obviously becoming a game, i put her in her crib, sternly told her to stay there, and went downstairs. (Part of the reason is by then it was 8:45 and i hadn't eaten since an early lunch at 11 so i was starving). As far as i know, she didn't get out of bed, though when Alan went to her this morning, she was sitting up in her rocking chair.
So, obviously tonight had to be the night to start the toddler bed transition. We started by buying a video monitor (which unfortunately keeps losing signal -- bah!!!), and some babyproofing supplies to help keep the door shut (which unfortunately don't work on our doors -- bah!!! - but luckily her door actually won't open from the inside even if locked from the inside, so i did this until she was asleep and used the skeleton key once she was out, just in case of fire or something). i put her to bed a few minutes early, after making sure she was nice and tired today but had a calm evening.
She, of course, followed me to the door, crying. So i told her i would sing to her as long as she stayed lying down and didn't get out of bed or sit up. She, of course, sat up pretty quickly, so i said, "Oh, i guess you don't want me to sing. Good night." and left, and of course she cried, but i didn't let her cry more than a couple of minutes, came back and repeated the "deal" about singing to her as long as she lies down. She did better, but after about 5 minutes she sat up. i warned her once, then left. She cried but didn't get out of bed this time, and again i went to her in about 2 minutes. She let me sing to her for at least 20 minutes this time, never sitting up. After a while i told her that i was going to sing the song 2 more times (one time is all 4 verses of "You Are My Sunshine" plus a couple of humming verses so it's not short) and then 1 more time, and then i went downstairs. She only protested with a little grunt, never got out of bed, and went to sleep.
Thank goodness!!!!! Let's hope every day goes a little bit better and she can put herself to sleep 100% again in a week.
It started 2 weekends ago when i took her to Knoxville and had her sleep in the PnP and she climbed right out. It took 90 minutes to get her to sleep the first night because she made it a game. If she sat up and i did nothing, she would climb out. If she sat up and i said, "Lie down" or whatever, or if i put my hand on her to guide her back to a lying down position, she would giggle and flop down, and a few seconds later she'd sit back up again. In a hotel, i didn't really have much choice. i just put her back down 40,000 times until she finally fell asleep. The second night wasn't as bad; she fell asleep after 30 minutes, but it was still a game.
Then last Thursday, the nanny put her in the crib so she could go to the restroom, and Char climbed right out. Uh-oh, danger Will Robinson! So we put the toddler bed together on Saturday and tried to get her used to the idea, but had no luck getting her to nap on it during the weekend or so far this week. i was still using the crib at night, until last night.
Last night she wanted an owl spreader (like a dull knife; butter spreader type thing with an owl on the handle) that somehow made its way into her room. That's not such a safe thing to have in a crib, even if it is blunt, so i didn't let her have it. Commence tantrum. This child doesn't forget things! So... when i put her to bed, she climbed out and came downstairs. Nice. (Or not). Three times she got out of bed, and i tried rocking her, i tried sitting nearby and essentially repeating the pack and play shenanigans, and when it was obviously becoming a game, i put her in her crib, sternly told her to stay there, and went downstairs. (Part of the reason is by then it was 8:45 and i hadn't eaten since an early lunch at 11 so i was starving). As far as i know, she didn't get out of bed, though when Alan went to her this morning, she was sitting up in her rocking chair.
So, obviously tonight had to be the night to start the toddler bed transition. We started by buying a video monitor (which unfortunately keeps losing signal -- bah!!!), and some babyproofing supplies to help keep the door shut (which unfortunately don't work on our doors -- bah!!! - but luckily her door actually won't open from the inside even if locked from the inside, so i did this until she was asleep and used the skeleton key once she was out, just in case of fire or something). i put her to bed a few minutes early, after making sure she was nice and tired today but had a calm evening.
She, of course, followed me to the door, crying. So i told her i would sing to her as long as she stayed lying down and didn't get out of bed or sit up. She, of course, sat up pretty quickly, so i said, "Oh, i guess you don't want me to sing. Good night." and left, and of course she cried, but i didn't let her cry more than a couple of minutes, came back and repeated the "deal" about singing to her as long as she lies down. She did better, but after about 5 minutes she sat up. i warned her once, then left. She cried but didn't get out of bed this time, and again i went to her in about 2 minutes. She let me sing to her for at least 20 minutes this time, never sitting up. After a while i told her that i was going to sing the song 2 more times (one time is all 4 verses of "You Are My Sunshine" plus a couple of humming verses so it's not short) and then 1 more time, and then i went downstairs. She only protested with a little grunt, never got out of bed, and went to sleep.
Thank goodness!!!!! Let's hope every day goes a little bit better and she can put herself to sleep 100% again in a week.
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