The Purpose of Discipline

The other day I did something stupid. I misled my boss. Some would argue that I lied to him. I asked him for advice, and I knew better than to ask him for parenting advice. He’s not the kind of parent I want to be.

My boss has 5 kids, ranging from 16 to mid-30’s, all girls. And they’re all good girls, too; he’s never had any real discipline problems from them. They’ve all gotten good grades in school, gone to private Christian colleges (well, the older 4 so far), and the older three have married good Christian men. They volunteer their time and money, and they are truly wonderful people. So why would I not want to parent like him? Mostly because he parents like my parents did. He is a strong advocate for spanking.

Now, before anyone reads too much into my words, let me say that I am not 100% anti-spanking. Honestly, I’m not. I don’t consider spanking to be abuse (certainly it CAN be abuse, but so can tickling or even kissing if you do it excessively and beyond the point of pleasure for the recipient. I can see the headline now “’Turkish Kissing Torture’ to be discontinued, per Pentagon”). I don’t even necessarily consider it bad parenting. It’s just not *my* parenting.

I ask myself some questions, starting with “What is the purpose of disciplining my child?” The answer is not “to control her behavior to make the next 16 ½ years easier for myself”, but “to help her grow up to be a kind, respectful, empathetic, self-assured, and independent young woman”. Spanking her for normal toddler (or whatever age) behaviors does not seem like it would teach her self-confidence, independence, or kindness, or even true respect (fear =/= respect). My primary purpose is not to curb annoying behaviors (though the urge is strong at times, certainly, and I’ve given in to it more than a few times), but rather to help her to just grow up and be a good person. And I don’t see spanking as a requirement to that.

I am, in my opinion, a prime example of why “I was spanked and I turned out fine” is not a good answer. I was spanked, and quite honestly I do not think I turned out fine. Sure, I never really misbehaved. Even through teen years, my rebellions were minimal. As an adult I am still afraid of letting my deceased mother down and feel guilt when I do things I know she wouldn’t approve of. I work, I contribute more to society through my paid and unpaid acts than I take from it, but I do not have confidence. I do not feel useful, or appreciated outside of my wonderful husband. I don’t have much to be proud of, and I do not feel pride. Instead I feel embarrassed that I have so few friends, that I don’t have any hobbies or talents that I am really good at, or passionate about. I feel worthless at work.

I do not, ever, want my daughter to feel these things. And yet I know that I cannot prevent most of those feelings at some point. I just hope that I can help her build a foundation of self-confidence now and throughout her childhood so she can deal with them better than I have.