i think i'm losing at the mommy wars. Last night i met for dinner with the other women from Char's school who have volunteered to help design and build the playground at the new school. It's a Montessori school, so the families tend to be a little on the crunchy side. Two women had their toddlers (14-16 months) with them, and of coure i had Char. And those two women are still nursing, which i totally support. That's one of the very few things i feel like i'm missing out on by growing our family through adoption versus biology.
Anyway, at one poing Char was in my lap and pulled my shirt up. i joked that she shouldn't flash everyone. Then one of the nursing moms asked if we nurse. i said, "No, she was adopted." Please! What is wrong with me that i felt like i had to justify why i am not still nursing her? Of course there wasn't the slightest bit of judgment in what she asked or how she asked it. She just thought Char might be asking to nurse by pulling my shirt up. But there's something totally wrong with me feeling the need to justify why i don't nurse.
i'd like to say it's because 2 women said something negative about me bottle-feeding in public when she was very young (until they found out i was her foster mom and suddenly i was their hero), but really i think it's all part of apologitis. i have chronic and severe case of it. i've been known to apologize when someone else came late to a meeting.
i'm so going to lose the mommy wars lol.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Some very cute Charlotte-isms
1. (Mommy points to a picture of a cow) "What is this?" "Cat." "No, it's a cow. Here's a picture of a cat." (Mommy points to a picture of a cat). "What does a cat say?" "Moo." Hmmm...
2. Char has started singing the Alphabet Song (in tune), mostly just humming or babbling, but putting the correct letters in the correct places in a few spots. Today she said, "H-I-J-K-yesterday." She's a genius! Yesterday rhymes with K where L-M-N-O-P certainly does not ;). Who knew she even knows the word yesterday, but it seemed clear as a bell!
3. And this may be the funniest of them all. i got a picture message from Alan yesterday. Apparently i left the baby lock off my bathroom cabinet and she got in it on the way to the potty and grabbed something. Alan didn't notice what it was until she was seated and doing her business. He sent me the picture with the caption, "Sure, it's funny NOW."
P.S. i always swore i'd never post a picture of my kid on the toilet on the internet, but i mean, really, how could i not?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Let's Talk Poop!
It's been a while since i've AW'd Char and her EC'ing. Mostly because there hasn't been much to brag about. Charlotte started signing for "potty" about 8 months, but that only lasted about a month. From 9-12 months or so it felt like we were just coasting along, same-old-same-old, you know? She would grunt when she had to poop, and i would take her to the potty. Off times i would take her to pee, and she would often go, but there was no signal at all that she would go before she actually did. And we had more poop misses, too, as she sometimes wouldn't grunt at all, or only after she'd started pooping and then it's just easier to change a poopy diaper. Also, the more fully solid foods she was eating, the more often she would go. From 1-2 times a day it became more like 5. Eek!
Then around a year old, she figured out that if she grunted, i stopped what i was doing. And yes, i took her to the potty, but she figured out that if there was something she didn't want to do, she could get out of it by grunting. Nice. Like, meal times. Fingernail trimming times. When mommy isn't giving me all her attention and is, say, making my lunch for tomorrow.
So, we took a little bit of a potty vacation for a while. If she had the poop look in addition to grunting, we still went, but we didn't go every time. And eventually i found that she was usually wet right after "fake" grunting. And a few times i noticed it after i'd recently done i dipe check and she wasn't wet. And sometimes the diaper would feel warm, as if the pee had JUST come out of her warm bladder. So we ended the potty vacation.
And now it seems like she's "telling" me again that she needs to go. Primitive, yes, but still cute. She will go up to the baby gate and shake it and grunt. Or grunt then run to the baby gate and shake it. So i say, "Do you want to potty?" and she runs right to the potty (if she doesn't get distracted by her love of the stairs).
And lately, more and more, she's making it to the potty before she's either peed or pooped, and going on the potty. Now, if i had it to do all over again, i never would have allowed/encouraged the grunt to be her "cue". Sigh. But, live and learn and keep repeating the word "potty" lol.
So, i'm still in the position of really not having a clue what to do now, potty-learning-wise. At this point, she can apparently tell me she needs to go (at least some of the time, not all of the time for sure). And she can go to the potty even. But she cannot manage to pull her pants down or her diaper off by herself. And we're still using the donut insert in the regular potty instead of a little portable potty. If i have to place a wild guess, i'd say she'll be using panties or at least training diapers (we're going to use cloth instead of Pull-Ups if i have my way) within maybe 4 more months. But i'm not sure. Language-wise i think she's on target in expressive language but not ahead, and i do wonder if she's a little behind in receptive language (but she could just be a little... well, whatever the euphemism for stubborn is this week). i'm not worried about it, but if that is the case then i'm not sure she'll be ready language-wise at that point. Anyway, tips from BTDT EC'ers much appreciated.
Then around a year old, she figured out that if she grunted, i stopped what i was doing. And yes, i took her to the potty, but she figured out that if there was something she didn't want to do, she could get out of it by grunting. Nice. Like, meal times. Fingernail trimming times. When mommy isn't giving me all her attention and is, say, making my lunch for tomorrow.
So, we took a little bit of a potty vacation for a while. If she had the poop look in addition to grunting, we still went, but we didn't go every time. And eventually i found that she was usually wet right after "fake" grunting. And a few times i noticed it after i'd recently done i dipe check and she wasn't wet. And sometimes the diaper would feel warm, as if the pee had JUST come out of her warm bladder. So we ended the potty vacation.
And now it seems like she's "telling" me again that she needs to go. Primitive, yes, but still cute. She will go up to the baby gate and shake it and grunt. Or grunt then run to the baby gate and shake it. So i say, "Do you want to potty?" and she runs right to the potty (if she doesn't get distracted by her love of the stairs).
And lately, more and more, she's making it to the potty before she's either peed or pooped, and going on the potty. Now, if i had it to do all over again, i never would have allowed/encouraged the grunt to be her "cue". Sigh. But, live and learn and keep repeating the word "potty" lol.
So, i'm still in the position of really not having a clue what to do now, potty-learning-wise. At this point, she can apparently tell me she needs to go (at least some of the time, not all of the time for sure). And she can go to the potty even. But she cannot manage to pull her pants down or her diaper off by herself. And we're still using the donut insert in the regular potty instead of a little portable potty. If i have to place a wild guess, i'd say she'll be using panties or at least training diapers (we're going to use cloth instead of Pull-Ups if i have my way) within maybe 4 more months. But i'm not sure. Language-wise i think she's on target in expressive language but not ahead, and i do wonder if she's a little behind in receptive language (but she could just be a little... well, whatever the euphemism for stubborn is this week). i'm not worried about it, but if that is the case then i'm not sure she'll be ready language-wise at that point. Anyway, tips from BTDT EC'ers much appreciated.
Friday, July 30, 2010
2 things
First of all: I GOT A NEW JOB!!! It's with the same company and a lateral move, but it's at a different location which has a WAY better culture and environment. It should provide me with a bit more exposure to other groups so when the time comes to move on again, i'll be in a better position to do so. And most importantly, i LOVE LOVE LOVE my new boss and also my new coworker. i mean, so far anyway :). Who knows how i'll feel in a few months, but if he's anything like i think he is... i did see him criticize (sort of) my new coworker and i actually really liked how he did it. It was lighthearted and not even out of place in the environment.
It's crazy because Wednesday i woke feeling pretty down, because it was exactly 1 month since i applied for this latest job and it was apparent that they weren't going to interview me. This was the fourth position i'd applied for since April 1, so that should tell you something lol. Then late morning, i got an email from the HR recruiter that said they were going to set up an interview, and within 48 hours i knew i had the job. Crazy! Obviously i ran out and bought a suit at lunch, and Thursday i interviewed, and this morning i got the offer. No pay increase, but considering i have a shot at a REAL performance review, i think it's still a financial boost. i'm sure i'll discuss later.
Now for the story. It's been a while since i've told a story about a stupid or insensitive infertility or adoption story. i had hoped it would be able to be put behind us by now, but alas.
i have this "friend" who i'm not really close with but she's been a good friend in a lot of ways. She's the kind of person you can go months without talking to and if you need help, she'll pitch in. And vice versa. She's kind of crass (she texts during movies; we don't do movies together anymore lol) and obnoxious, but also loyal to the core.
i hadn't talked to her much in a while and she texted me on Sunday inviting Alan and me to meet for brunch at a restaurant near our house. We were able to do so, and conversation turned to the adoption. She asked if people say Charlotte looks like us, and i said, "All the time. Seriously!" (Just the previous day our waitress at a restaurant said, "She looks exactly like both of you." We just smiled and said, "Thank you." But it seriously happens constantly.)
At this point, my friend says, "Yeah, you did it the easy way." i say, somewhat shocked, "The easy way?" "Yeah, you didn't have to deal with morning sickness or anything." Now, to be fair, my friend had a really hard pregnancy with her daughter, developed dangerous blood clots in her legs, was on bedrest a long time, and was warned never to get pregnant again. She was considering adoption but in the "Yeah, someday maybe we'll adopt" way and not in the *really* considering adoption way. But what i wanted to say was, "Yes, you're right, it was so easy to deal with 3 1/2 years of infertility -- so far -- a debilitating chronic illness, 3 surgeries, excrutiating pain, a 2 year adoption process including a time when we thought we were going to lose her and a year of never knowing for sure if it would be official, caseworkers, and continuing education. It would be awful to vomit for 3 or 4 months and gain a few pounds." But i didn't. i just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, nothing hard about this process."
It's crazy because Wednesday i woke feeling pretty down, because it was exactly 1 month since i applied for this latest job and it was apparent that they weren't going to interview me. This was the fourth position i'd applied for since April 1, so that should tell you something lol. Then late morning, i got an email from the HR recruiter that said they were going to set up an interview, and within 48 hours i knew i had the job. Crazy! Obviously i ran out and bought a suit at lunch, and Thursday i interviewed, and this morning i got the offer. No pay increase, but considering i have a shot at a REAL performance review, i think it's still a financial boost. i'm sure i'll discuss later.
Now for the story. It's been a while since i've told a story about a stupid or insensitive infertility or adoption story. i had hoped it would be able to be put behind us by now, but alas.
i have this "friend" who i'm not really close with but she's been a good friend in a lot of ways. She's the kind of person you can go months without talking to and if you need help, she'll pitch in. And vice versa. She's kind of crass (she texts during movies; we don't do movies together anymore lol) and obnoxious, but also loyal to the core.
i hadn't talked to her much in a while and she texted me on Sunday inviting Alan and me to meet for brunch at a restaurant near our house. We were able to do so, and conversation turned to the adoption. She asked if people say Charlotte looks like us, and i said, "All the time. Seriously!" (Just the previous day our waitress at a restaurant said, "She looks exactly like both of you." We just smiled and said, "Thank you." But it seriously happens constantly.)
At this point, my friend says, "Yeah, you did it the easy way." i say, somewhat shocked, "The easy way?" "Yeah, you didn't have to deal with morning sickness or anything." Now, to be fair, my friend had a really hard pregnancy with her daughter, developed dangerous blood clots in her legs, was on bedrest a long time, and was warned never to get pregnant again. She was considering adoption but in the "Yeah, someday maybe we'll adopt" way and not in the *really* considering adoption way. But what i wanted to say was, "Yes, you're right, it was so easy to deal with 3 1/2 years of infertility -- so far -- a debilitating chronic illness, 3 surgeries, excrutiating pain, a 2 year adoption process including a time when we thought we were going to lose her and a year of never knowing for sure if it would be official, caseworkers, and continuing education. It would be awful to vomit for 3 or 4 months and gain a few pounds." But i didn't. i just rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, nothing hard about this process."
Monday, July 26, 2010
Musing About Music
One thing adoption has done for me is to give me yet another opportunity to overanalyze EVERYTHING. Today we will focus our neuroses on musical ability.
i realize that musical ability is not necessarily hereditary, but i know it can be, like a lot of natural talents. Since neither Alan nor i has any musical ability, if she were our biological daughter we would probably not think anything of it. But having been adopted, we don't know where her natural abilities lie, and i can wonder...
Yesterday in the car, we listened to the radio, and it was that old Edie Brickell song ("what i am is what i am..."). She certainly never heard it before, but after a little bit she started humming the tune. i don't know if this is "normal" or not, especially for a song that she's never heard before. She also babbles to the tune of "Old MacDonald", but as we sing that eleventy-billion times a day, it's not as impressive.
And then today i got a note home from school. A good note this time :). Today they had someone from "Mommy and Me Music" come out, and Char played a drum and kept the beat for a whole song. She also sat and listened really well. She always enjoys music time, but even the teacher noticed that she has an interest and maybe even a talent. i'm so proud! i told Alan we're keeping that note for when she's famous lol.
Here's a video taken about a month ago when Alan was goofing around with the guitar and Char played her little xylophone/glochenspiel or however the heck you spell that.
i realize that musical ability is not necessarily hereditary, but i know it can be, like a lot of natural talents. Since neither Alan nor i has any musical ability, if she were our biological daughter we would probably not think anything of it. But having been adopted, we don't know where her natural abilities lie, and i can wonder...
Yesterday in the car, we listened to the radio, and it was that old Edie Brickell song ("what i am is what i am..."). She certainly never heard it before, but after a little bit she started humming the tune. i don't know if this is "normal" or not, especially for a song that she's never heard before. She also babbles to the tune of "Old MacDonald", but as we sing that eleventy-billion times a day, it's not as impressive.
And then today i got a note home from school. A good note this time :). Today they had someone from "Mommy and Me Music" come out, and Char played a drum and kept the beat for a whole song. She also sat and listened really well. She always enjoys music time, but even the teacher noticed that she has an interest and maybe even a talent. i'm so proud! i told Alan we're keeping that note for when she's famous lol.
Here's a video taken about a month ago when Alan was goofing around with the guitar and Char played her little xylophone/glochenspiel or however the heck you spell that.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
And with that, Pictures!!!
Sorry, just sort of random pics, not much formatting. In a rush as it's after 10 and i haven't made her lunch for tomorrow. Eek!
Kind of Excited - and a vent
i think i've posted a couple of times that Charlotte has started at a little Montessori school in our area. Right now they are ages 12 months through 6 years (the last year is Kindergarten and is state-licensed, etc). Montessori uses typically 3-year cycles. There are currently 2 age groups: 12-36 months and 3 years through Kindergarten. This year they have purchased a new building (which is actually RIGHT by our house, probably less than a mile walking distance although there's a very steep, curvy hill and it's probably not the safest walk for a young one) and will be expanding. The current building will open an infants classroom, and the new building will open a transitional classroom for kids between 2-3 years or so who need a little more stimulation than they're getting in the toddlers class but aren't quite ready for the preschool/Kindergarten class, and also the preschool/kindergarten class. NEXT fall 2011 they are starting a grades 1-3 classroom also.
The new building is an old daycare facility that's changed hands at least twice since we've lived here (4 years). It needs a lot of work, and they've asked for parent volunteers. We've been so busy the last 2 weekends that we couldn't really help out, but we will this weekend. But more importantly (to me lol), the director has asked for volunteers to help design the playground equipment at both buildings. Something you probably don't know about me: What i REALLY want to be when i grow up is a playground designer! In college i did my senior engineering project on playground design. It was so much fun! So i certainly volunteered, and i spoke with the director this evening when picking Char up, and she was excited, too. Her vision is as natural a play setting as possible, and i think i'm up for the challenge. i've already jotted down 2 pages of typed, bullet-point notes of elements of playgrounds and thoughts on how to achieve this in a natural setting. i'm pretty excited about it!
So i've had time to digest my little meltdown last week. i try not to blog much about work, but the truth is that's where the majority of my angst is coming from at the moment. Don't get me wrong; in this economy i am THRILLED to have a job and a steady paycheck. And the money is pretty good, so no complaints there. The problems, though, are pretty numerous:
1) i don't utilize my brain or my talents - most days i don't have enough to do, and even when i do it's not much of a challenge.
2) There's no opportunity for growth - don't misunderstand number 1. There's a TON i could learn and grow and improve, and the experience could really benefit the company i work for. Unfortunately, i'm not included in any potential for growth or experience. i'm not invited (despite asking numerous times) to meetings where i could learn about different elements of the company. i've asked to cross-train and repeatedly been denied. My title is "Analyst" but i am not asked, or even allowed, to analyze anything. i just collect data and hand it to my boss, who "analyzes" it (or more often does nothing with it).
3) i'm not appreciated - my boss has said "good job" or the equivalent twice in 2 and a half years. i get the distinct impression from his boss that no one has any idea what i'm capable of, or for one reason or another they don't care. (i hate to call sexism but from what i'm seeing, it fits). i got what i consider a crappy performance review after my first year there, and i was told the reason was that i didn't have the experience to really do better. Okay, i can live with that. But this year, i got the same exact performance review. i was told it was because they didn't expect to give raises this year and "management" in my department had decided to keep everyone's review from the previous year. i'm sorry, but i REALLY have a problem with that. i think it's wrong on a number of levels, not the least of which is that they are holding me back from a promotion potentially by making me look like a crappy employee when i'm really not. Or, i shouldn't be, but try as i might, i can't get ahead.
i've applied out four times since April 1. Three of the four i should have a pretty good shot at (of course there's always a chance they have someone in mind for it and posting it is just a formality in their minds, but surely not 3/4 of them). The fourth is an engineering job but frankly i don't have the right kind of experience for that job. i have not even gotten an interview for any of these jobs! i don't know what's wrong with me, my resume, whatever, but it's really starting to hurt my confidence, especially when coupled with the rest of my work woes. Two of the jobs are essentially what i do now, just for other departments. Why the heck can't i even get an interview for the equivalent of the job i have now??? Aaaaah!
4) And last but not least, there's the fact that, at least on some level, i've received 2 demotions this year. First there was the "employee stratification" or some BS term. Different departments had different tier structures (some paygrades were letters, some numbers, some a combination, etc, with different titles to go with it). They decided to level out the different groups and make them all equal. In doing so, they "flattened" the titles, and i have been lumped into a category lower. Then one of my two coworkers in my little department was moved out (which was a blessing in many ways because she's absolutely nuts and impossible to work with), but in doing so, i was given her job. Which is much more menial. In many people's eyes, i've lost credibility by taking on lesser tasks and i HATE IT!
And on a related note, because i have only one other coworker in my basic department, it's a race as far as she and i are concerned to get out of the department. Her job is a step up from mine, but i don't want her job. It's not really any more challenging than mine, and i know i would be "stuck" doing my menial job and hers as well. And while i have a job i applied for a few weeks ago out there (and since i haven't been called for an interview, i've just about lost hope), she's applying for one today (her second since April; the first she got but our boss "blocked" her; this one she cannot be blocked because it's a promotion, though i guess she has less chance of actually getting it). i want her to succeed, but i am really scared what happens if she leaves.
One possibility is i would be offered (or encouraged to apply for) her job, which would technically be a promotion but because i'm near the top of my pay grade, would not result in more money most likely and i would be "stuck" in the job for at least 12 months, but more likely 2 years as most people wait 2 years before applying for other positions. So i would be faced with taking the job i don't want and getting stuck, or explaining why i don't want it and being faced with the question of who would take her job, and would i really have her job elements without her title/pay grade? OR another possibility is they never encourage me to apply for her job (or i apply and they give it to someone else) and dealing with the fallout of knowing for sure that my boss/his boss/HIS boss truly don't have any confidence in me, as i suspect. And in my gneeral area i don't know anyone who can actually do the job. i know someone who WANTS her job, but i am positive he couldn't do it, at least not out of the gate. So likely even if i didn't accept the job or if it weren't offered to me, i would end up doing the job at least in the interim and actually probably training someone else to do it. Sounds like fun to me!
i could leave the company and look for a job with another company. And i give it a cursory look every so often. But i don't know if i really want to leave the company, and its relative job security, in the current economy. And i would feel at least a little guilty taking a job from someone who doesn't have one right now.
And here's how i will tie the above vent into the Montessori conversation in the beginning of this enormous blog post: i freely admit that i am a "praise junkie". It really bothers me, way more than it should, that my boss doesn't give me any praise or positive feedback. i KNOW i'm smart, and i KNOW that (at least when given the opportunity) i work hard, and i do a good job. i KNOW this. But when it isn't acknowledged by others, it hurts. Especially after years of it. And THIS is why i love Montessori. Montessori is all about instilling intrinsic value of learning and of work, rather than kids relying on extrinsic rewards like praise, treats, grades, etc. i don't want to raise a child whose self-worth, whose happiness even, boils down to whether her boss (or her mommy) approves of her actions. i want her to do things she loves because she loves them, not because someone said, "Good job, Charlotte!" i want her to look at her own opinions of herself and her work as being at least as important, preferably more important, than what authority figures, even i, think of her.
i can only hope that i succeed at least a little bit.
The new building is an old daycare facility that's changed hands at least twice since we've lived here (4 years). It needs a lot of work, and they've asked for parent volunteers. We've been so busy the last 2 weekends that we couldn't really help out, but we will this weekend. But more importantly (to me lol), the director has asked for volunteers to help design the playground equipment at both buildings. Something you probably don't know about me: What i REALLY want to be when i grow up is a playground designer! In college i did my senior engineering project on playground design. It was so much fun! So i certainly volunteered, and i spoke with the director this evening when picking Char up, and she was excited, too. Her vision is as natural a play setting as possible, and i think i'm up for the challenge. i've already jotted down 2 pages of typed, bullet-point notes of elements of playgrounds and thoughts on how to achieve this in a natural setting. i'm pretty excited about it!
So i've had time to digest my little meltdown last week. i try not to blog much about work, but the truth is that's where the majority of my angst is coming from at the moment. Don't get me wrong; in this economy i am THRILLED to have a job and a steady paycheck. And the money is pretty good, so no complaints there. The problems, though, are pretty numerous:
1) i don't utilize my brain or my talents - most days i don't have enough to do, and even when i do it's not much of a challenge.
2) There's no opportunity for growth - don't misunderstand number 1. There's a TON i could learn and grow and improve, and the experience could really benefit the company i work for. Unfortunately, i'm not included in any potential for growth or experience. i'm not invited (despite asking numerous times) to meetings where i could learn about different elements of the company. i've asked to cross-train and repeatedly been denied. My title is "Analyst" but i am not asked, or even allowed, to analyze anything. i just collect data and hand it to my boss, who "analyzes" it (or more often does nothing with it).
3) i'm not appreciated - my boss has said "good job" or the equivalent twice in 2 and a half years. i get the distinct impression from his boss that no one has any idea what i'm capable of, or for one reason or another they don't care. (i hate to call sexism but from what i'm seeing, it fits). i got what i consider a crappy performance review after my first year there, and i was told the reason was that i didn't have the experience to really do better. Okay, i can live with that. But this year, i got the same exact performance review. i was told it was because they didn't expect to give raises this year and "management" in my department had decided to keep everyone's review from the previous year. i'm sorry, but i REALLY have a problem with that. i think it's wrong on a number of levels, not the least of which is that they are holding me back from a promotion potentially by making me look like a crappy employee when i'm really not. Or, i shouldn't be, but try as i might, i can't get ahead.
i've applied out four times since April 1. Three of the four i should have a pretty good shot at (of course there's always a chance they have someone in mind for it and posting it is just a formality in their minds, but surely not 3/4 of them). The fourth is an engineering job but frankly i don't have the right kind of experience for that job. i have not even gotten an interview for any of these jobs! i don't know what's wrong with me, my resume, whatever, but it's really starting to hurt my confidence, especially when coupled with the rest of my work woes. Two of the jobs are essentially what i do now, just for other departments. Why the heck can't i even get an interview for the equivalent of the job i have now??? Aaaaah!
4) And last but not least, there's the fact that, at least on some level, i've received 2 demotions this year. First there was the "employee stratification" or some BS term. Different departments had different tier structures (some paygrades were letters, some numbers, some a combination, etc, with different titles to go with it). They decided to level out the different groups and make them all equal. In doing so, they "flattened" the titles, and i have been lumped into a category lower. Then one of my two coworkers in my little department was moved out (which was a blessing in many ways because she's absolutely nuts and impossible to work with), but in doing so, i was given her job. Which is much more menial. In many people's eyes, i've lost credibility by taking on lesser tasks and i HATE IT!
And on a related note, because i have only one other coworker in my basic department, it's a race as far as she and i are concerned to get out of the department. Her job is a step up from mine, but i don't want her job. It's not really any more challenging than mine, and i know i would be "stuck" doing my menial job and hers as well. And while i have a job i applied for a few weeks ago out there (and since i haven't been called for an interview, i've just about lost hope), she's applying for one today (her second since April; the first she got but our boss "blocked" her; this one she cannot be blocked because it's a promotion, though i guess she has less chance of actually getting it). i want her to succeed, but i am really scared what happens if she leaves.
One possibility is i would be offered (or encouraged to apply for) her job, which would technically be a promotion but because i'm near the top of my pay grade, would not result in more money most likely and i would be "stuck" in the job for at least 12 months, but more likely 2 years as most people wait 2 years before applying for other positions. So i would be faced with taking the job i don't want and getting stuck, or explaining why i don't want it and being faced with the question of who would take her job, and would i really have her job elements without her title/pay grade? OR another possibility is they never encourage me to apply for her job (or i apply and they give it to someone else) and dealing with the fallout of knowing for sure that my boss/his boss/HIS boss truly don't have any confidence in me, as i suspect. And in my gneeral area i don't know anyone who can actually do the job. i know someone who WANTS her job, but i am positive he couldn't do it, at least not out of the gate. So likely even if i didn't accept the job or if it weren't offered to me, i would end up doing the job at least in the interim and actually probably training someone else to do it. Sounds like fun to me!
i could leave the company and look for a job with another company. And i give it a cursory look every so often. But i don't know if i really want to leave the company, and its relative job security, in the current economy. And i would feel at least a little guilty taking a job from someone who doesn't have one right now.
And here's how i will tie the above vent into the Montessori conversation in the beginning of this enormous blog post: i freely admit that i am a "praise junkie". It really bothers me, way more than it should, that my boss doesn't give me any praise or positive feedback. i KNOW i'm smart, and i KNOW that (at least when given the opportunity) i work hard, and i do a good job. i KNOW this. But when it isn't acknowledged by others, it hurts. Especially after years of it. And THIS is why i love Montessori. Montessori is all about instilling intrinsic value of learning and of work, rather than kids relying on extrinsic rewards like praise, treats, grades, etc. i don't want to raise a child whose self-worth, whose happiness even, boils down to whether her boss (or her mommy) approves of her actions. i want her to do things she loves because she loves them, not because someone said, "Good job, Charlotte!" i want her to look at her own opinions of herself and her work as being at least as important, preferably more important, than what authority figures, even i, think of her.
i can only hope that i succeed at least a little bit.
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